The up-close managers tend to see roadblocks like this as a major problem. They see a hitch in the smooth running of their department. They see things no longer running to time or cost or output. And they see the effect on today’s, tomorrow’s or this week’s bottom-line.

That’s why the knee-jerk reaction of the up-close manager is to step in as soon as a problem is detected and fix it quick.

The let-go managers see it quite differently. When they see their employees hitting a block, they don’t see a “problem”, they see an opportunity. They see the chance for people to learn and grow. And they see the effect of such an opportunity not on the short-term bottom-line but on the long-term development of the employee and the organisation.

That’s why the quiet approach of the let-go manager is to be supportive, to be there and to lead.

On our Leadership Skills courses at ManageTrainLearn, we like to relate the story of The Butterfly’s Wings that perfectly encapsulates this difference.

It goes like this.

A man found a butterfly cocoon. One day a small opening appeared. The man sat and watched the butterfly for hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making progress. It appeared as if it had gotten so far and could go no further.

The man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.

But something wasn’t quite right. The butterfly had a swollen body and shrivelled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly expecting that at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand to support the body.

Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with its swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste had not understood was that the struggle for the butterfly to get through the small opening in the cocoon are Nature’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

We’re all a bit like butterflies. We sometimes come to a stop in our development when the next stage is a major step in our growth. But we need to do it ourselves. Because when we do, we don’t just get to where we should be; we also learn how to cope with “problems”, how to face up to life’s difficulties, and how to learn about ourselves.

If you manage people like the man in this story, why not take a deep breath next time someone in your team has stopped and is struggling. Be there for them but learn to let go. And, you never know, they too might learn to fly.

When we did, we discovered that the unit had been reserved for someone else. We had lost the sale. And we now wanted it more than ever.

In our Negotiating Skills courses at ManageTrainLearn, we train people to use this tactic consciously. As an example of how it’s done, we show how Eskimo hunters get the best price for their hides from their traders by downplaying the value of their hides, even to the extent of pretending that their furs are not worth looking at. Fearing that they won’t get them, the traders are more desperate to buy and so increase what they are prepared to offer.

A similar trick of reverse psychology is played by Tom Sawyer in Mark Twain’s book of the same name.

The young Tom has been conscripted by Aunt Polly to whitewash a 30 foot long, 9 foot high fence and, being work not play, he is not in the least interested. Moreover, Tom hates the thought of being ridiculed by his friends.

So, he hits on a plan.

As each boy passes by on the lovely summer’s morning, Tom pretends to be doing something that no other boy gets to do. He builds up the specialness and importance of his task so much that not a single boy can resist begging to have a go at it. And they’re even willing to pay for the privilege.

Naturally, Tom leads them on so that (a) he reluctantly lets each boy have a go at the job, only, of course, on condition that they do it in the very special way that it’s supposed to be done, and (b) extracts a good swap from each boy in the process. Very soon, while Tom idles in the sun with his bounty of swaps, the long fence is painted by a procession of boys who can’t wait to accept the new challenge and the new experience.

Mark Twain adds, “And Tom discovers, without knowing it, a great law of human action, namely that in order to make a man or boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make it difficult to attain.”

I don’t suppose I’ll ever know if the Reserved Sale sign on our pine unit was a ploy for a sale. However, just a few days later, the shop rang to say that their sale had fallen through and we could now have it.

Naturally, like fur traders, and boys in the American South, we couldn’t wait to snap it up.

Speaking with good purpose means conversing with others in a way that is honest, straightforward, and with the aim of building better relationships.

Take for example the following phrase: “You’re so sloppy. Your work area is such a mess.”

This is likely to antagonise the person to whom it is directed who will most likely respond in the same manner (since behaviour breeds behaviour) or go on the defensive. Either way, your point will be defended or denied and the conversation, to say nothing of the relationship, will pretty quickly be over.

If, on the other hand, you worked out in advance that you really needed the other person to know how you felt and what you wanted them to do, you could phrase the same message in the following way which leaks no anger or put-down: “I find it really hard to share an office with you because we have such different ideas about organisation.”

Now, you have the basis for a much better working arrangement.

Bobby DePorter, the president of Quantum Learning Network, says that there are many ways we can learn how to speak with good purpose. Here are 3…

1. a “No Tolerance to Gossip” policy, since gossip is exactly the opposite of speaking with good intent.
2. letting people know your intent when you speak. So, instead of the slightly sinister-sounding “Have you got a minute?”, use visible communication and let them know what’s on your mind, as in “Have you got a minute to talk about the Jones’ contract…?”
3. avoiding shut-downs by turning the conversation from them to you. So, if someone is telling you about a problem they’ve got, don’t “me-too” them (“Yeah, I know what you mean. The same thing happened to me…”) and don’t give them your solutions (“If I were you…”).

Marshall Thurber, the real estate mogul, has a rule in his office: “If it doesn’t serve, don’t say it.” When he finds anyone breaking this rule, with gossip, negativity, or not thinking before opening their mouth, the culprit has to put a $20 in the charity box.

The result is not only that people stop saying things that are hurtful, malicious, or just plain unnecessary. They stop thinking them too.

In truth, this isn’t a problem just for new trainers. Us old ones also experience it from time to time.

My answer is that, if you are going to spend a day or more with people who perhaps don’t know you too well, you need to become a skilled rapport-builder.

On the ManageTrainLearn Customer Care courses, we put rapport-building at the top of the customer communication skills. It’s one of those skills that have lots of sub-skills, all of which can be practised on their own. These include:

1. finding something in common with your trainees
2. displaying empathy with their problems
3. using small talk to break down the barriers
4. dropping people’s names into the conversation in understated ways
5. using humour to bond with them
6. showing them you’re just like them through mirroring, resonance and pacing
7. respecting them.

My favourite story about building rapport comes from self-development guru, Anthony Robbins, and is called “Oops!”

It might serve as a reminder of how to click with your trainees, even if they start off in mischievous mood.

“A class of schoolchildren decided one morning to play a prank on their new teacher who was late in arriving. At a pre-arranged moment when she eventually came in and reached her desk, all the children dropped their books on the floor.

Noticing at once what was going on, and determined not to play the part assigned to her, the teacher put down her chalk, picked up her own book, and, as the children all waited to see what she would do, accidentally dropped it too.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said, picking up the book. “Let’s start at page 23.” And she continued as if nothing had happened.

From that moment on, she had the children eating out of her hand.

If research is anything to go by, the answer will be, not as much as you should have done.

We’re told that people are so overwhelmed by the gloom they read and hear on the TV and newspapers that we’re forgetting to laugh.

I say “forgetting” because, as kids, we were masters at laughing. Research, again, suggests that, while adults laugh on average 15 times a day, small children manage up to 400 laughs a day.

On our Creativity courses at ManageTrainLearn, we produce evidence that suggests that the more you laugh at work the more creative you are.

Goran Ekvall, professor of organisational psychology at Lund University in Sweden, says that laughter is an essential ingredient for workplace innovation. When comparing the creativity of various departments of a Swedish newspaper, Ekvall found that the most creative teams were those that had a high level of laughter and humour.

This is why Tom Peters says that you can measure an organisation’s creativity from its laughometer.

There are many other reasons why laughter is good for you.

* laughter releases serotonin, the “feel-good” hormone, into your brain
* laughter helps you connect to others. It’s one of the best rapport-building tools around.
* laughter massages your inner organs
* laughter can help you lose weight by burning off fat
* laughter helps your immune system work better.

Madhuri Kataria, who created the idea of World Laughter Day, says, “There is an epidemic of seriousness that is raging all over the world. People seem to think that being grim-faced and serious is the only way to show commitment at work.”

It reminds me of that Red Indian proverb, “When you get to heaven, most people ask themselves, “Why was I so serious?”.”

So, here, to raise your serotonin, build your team, and increase your organisation’s creativity, is one of my favourite jokes of the moment. Read it and laugh. Or read it 400 times today and laugh.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a college graduate.” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how.”

Editor’s Note: Here are some of the cutest things our reader’s kids have said. They will provide ample smiles and laughs we reckon. Enjoy!

What is God?
Eric: Wow! What a place to start! They don’t come much bigger than this. This must be the one question that has teased philosophers for thousands of years, from Aristotle to Einstein to Richard Dawkins. And, since it is still being asked today, we obviously don’t have an answer we’re all agreed upon. It’s probably easier to start by saying what God isn’t.

By now, I think it’s pretty universally acknowledged that God isn’t an old man with a long flowing beard sitting on a cloud somewhere up in the sky. He is not even a “He.” What God is, is at once simple but incredibly profound.

God is the name we give to the Life Force of the Universe, a force that is not accessible through our ordinary five senses but accessible as an energy made up of pure consciousness. It is the reason why things exist in the sense that we experience them and have life. And it is the reason why we, as humans, can use our own consciousness to manifest anything in our lives. In short, God is the source energy that allows us to create our own individual lives in all their wonder, diversity and glory.

God or the Big Bang (or both)?
Eric: The Big Bang is our current most up-to-date explanation of how the Universe began. According to this theory, the Big Bang happened some 13.7 billion years ago, when in a split second the universe became so hot that it literally exploded outwards like a rising loaf of bread in a hot oven. As a scientific explanation, some people see the Big Bang as a more plausible alternative to stories of how life started, such as those in religious accounts of the Creation.

However, the Big Bang does not make any claims about how the Universe came to be in existence before this explosion.

If we accept our earlier proposition that God is the Life Force of the Universe, then not even an event like the Big Bang could have happened without the Life Force already being present in some form. In reality, there is no start point or end point in life. Life, as pure consciousness, is infinite and eternal. And it is eternal because, despite our desire to explain things in the past and predict things in the future, all of life happens in the infinite and eternal moment of Now.

God or Darwin (or both)?
Eric: The question of where human beings come from is one of the most controversial around. Did God create Man as part of His Creation blueprint, as religious tradition has it, or did human beings evolve along with all other species as part of a process of natural selection?

This argument was fiercely debated some 150 years ago when Charles Darwin published his ‘Origin of Species’ based on his scientific research into the development of life forms. Just like the Big Bang theory of the physical Universe, Darwin argued that humans could not have been created ready-made at the start of Creation but evolved in a gradual process thereafter possibly from other life forms such as primates.

So which is right, holy texts or scientific theory? Well, perhaps there is no conflict and they are both right. After all, holy texts are often simply metaphors for ideas that are hard to understand in any other way. Even if God did not create Man in one day six days after the start of Creation, the act of creation was not a random chance happening but the result of source energy manifesting itself in life form. Darwin simply fills in the more interesting details in the timeline thereafter.

In short, we are both creatures of God as well as an evolving species.

God or Darfur? (How can a Darfur happen if there is a God?)
Eric: This question arises every time we hear of a natural or man-made disaster happening in the world: why does God allow “bad” things to happen to people? This question is the sort that arises when people see God as the old man with the flowing beard sitting on His cloud in the sky and having the power to determine what happens to people on Earth.

The reality is, that everything that happens in our experiences happens because of the power of individual and mass consciousness, the consciousness which in its pure form is the gift of God. In other words, we create our experiences from our thoughts and feelings and what follows is the result of law of attraction. We get what we think about and what we expect.

The problem is that, instead of simply accepting the experience and moving on, we analyse the experience and choose to label it “good” or “bad”. Thus, situations that we, as onlookers, believe to be bad, such as those in Darfur, are considered unacceptable. We immediately look for someone to blame, be it Man or God, and we do everything in our power to prevent it happening again.

In doing this, we fail to understand that all situations in life are created by people through their individual and mass consciousness, some actively wishing them to happen, others passively wishing them to happen to them. Either way, the experience is a manifestation of life force and not something that God chooses to have any say over.

Who is God’s God?
Eric: There is no division between God and ourselves, just as there is no division between all manifested forms of life, be they animals, plants, microbes, cells, or indeed, the space between them. What makes us One is the Pure Consciousness or Life Force that (a) breathes life into everything; and (b) allows us to become creators of our own experiences. Because we use life force and pure consciousness to create our own lives, we have the same power as God.

Some thinkers have explained our relationship with God as that between the individual droplets of water in the ocean and the ocean itself. We are one and the same. God is made up of all of us and our individual consciousnesses; while we are the stuff that God is made up of.
So, in a very real sense, we are God’s God and God is ours.

Will the real God please stand up? (or why do we have so many religions?)
Eric: There are countless religions in the world. One estimate suggests that there are 10,000 distinct faiths in the Christian church alone. The reason why there are so many is very similar to the reason why there are so many languages in the world. They are the result of culture, history, and the manifesting consciousness of different groups of people sharing similar beliefs.

The problem, of course, arises when a religion claims to be the one true faith. Then we have the potential for conflict with others who make the same claim. The history of the world is littered with such bitter conflicts. The answer, again, is very simple and very profound. If a group of people choose to believe they have found the answer to who or what God is, then to them on a personal and collective level it is real. There is no reason why this should be of concern to the rest of us, unless we are so unsure of ourselves and our relationship with what we perceive to be God that we need to destroy all other claims.

There are many routes to connecting with the life force that is God. And all are equally valid.

Is this just a big lab and are we just guinea pigs and God just a researcher?
Eric: Yes, it sometimes feels that we are like guinea pigs in a vast laboratory being tested by God in some cosmic experiment. This may be especially so when we lose connection with our true selves (ie joyously connected to the life force of God) and give way to our feelings of fear and insignificance.

Spiritual teachers, Esther and Jerry Hicks, compare our earthly experiences not to a big lab but to a huge kitchen, stocked with all the most wonderful ingredients imaginable. In this kitchen, we get to choose whatever recipes we want. Some turn out to be favourites, others we’re not so sure about, and others are yuk and we won’t try again. But each time, we get to choose what we want. Either way, it’s great fun. And that’s what life is: an endlessly enjoyable choosing of life experiences, made possible by the creative energy of the Life Force.

God is not a watching researcher in all of this, but, as part of ourselves, an entity who gets as much thrill out of the experimenting, creative, and playful process as we do.

Unexplained phenomena = God
Eric: The reason why people fail to see the presence of God, or the universal life energy, is because our sense-based thinking gets in the way. In other words, we only believe what we can see, hear, feel or know.
That’s why we want to know the meaning of unexplained phenomena, from UFO’s to ghosts, Near-Death Experiences to the mysteries of outer space. The answer again is simple and profound.
Life is supposed to thrill and surprise us. There is supposed to be a succession of unexplained phenomena that we can marvel at. After all, how else should we appreciate the breathtaking beauty of a glorious sunset? Not by analysing it, but by just having our breath taken away.

Our job is not to take each unexplained phenomenon apart and find out if it hides God but to fully accept it as a wonderful part of the fabric of life that can only exist when we and God come together as One.

The dictionary tells us that gratitude is “the expression of gratefulness and thanks” but this doesn’t begin to convey its real effect. Here are an alternative set of definitions.

Gratitude stops you taking your life for granted and helps you realize how many good things you have in your life.

Gratitude makes others feel better.

Gratitude makes you feel better. In the words of an Arabian proverb, “The hand that gives the roses always keeps some of the scent.”

Gratitude raises your awareness of things around you.

Gratitude is easy, quick, and free.

Gratitude is an instant blues-breaker and stress-reliever.

Gratitude changes your view of so-called “bad” things.

Gratitude frees you from petty annoyances.

Gratitude inspires you.

Gratitude puts your thoughts and feelings on a high vibration level that in turn attracts back to you more things to be grateful for.

Gratitude nourishes the soul.

Gratitude is like compound interest on money in the bank: the more you put in, the more you get out.

Gratitude is a spiritual act because it acknowledges that the origin of all good things is a source outside ourselves.

Gratitude puts you on a direct line to God.

That’s the “what” of gratitude. To show you the “how”, here are three things you can do to make the gratitude attitude a firm fixture in your life.

1. Create a thank bank.

A thank bank is simply a place where you can jot down all the things that you are grateful for in your life. You can split the bank into different accounts such as family, surroundings and work, and then simply start writing out your thanks until you stop. Put your list somewhere safe and pull it out when you’re feeling down and you’ll instantly change your mood.

2. Show gratitude quietly.

Don’t turn gratitude into a promotional or motivational tool. Too much thanks is as ineffective as too little. Instead, express your thanks in quiet ways: a thought, a prayer, a one-on-one word, a note of appreciation. Give people gifts of thanks that aren’t bought at shops: a bit of your time, a sacrifice, something valuable to you. Remember the story in the Bible of the widow, who gave a small money gift in thanks even though it was worth everything to her.

3. Always replace the 3 C’s with the 3 A’s.

If you work or manage others, and sometimes feel the need to use one of the 3 C’s – complaining, condemning, and criticizing – replace them with the 3 A’s of accepting, acknowledging, and appreciating. Accept people for who they are; acknowledge them for what they do; and appreciate them for just being around. Remember that when you appreciate others, your reputation and respect appreciates too.

There’s nothing complicated about gratitude. It’s something we can all do. We so often don’t do it because we forget, because we focus on the few so-called bad things in our lives, and because we take the wonderful things for granted. So change your life. Put gratitude just below your level of consciousness, and every day will become one of joy and delight.

1. See the glass as already broken.

Change is a natural and inevitable part of life. Just as change is essential for the formation of a business in the first place, so it is essential for the continuation of the business in its later stages. The Buddhists teach that, to understand and accept the inevitability of change, we need to see “the glass as already broken”. In other words, we need to accept that, in time, everything that is made will be unmade and everything that works now will stop working. In time, a simple product like a glass will disintegrate and fall to dust. Nothing stays the same and we must accept it.

2. Open up your thinking.

Being able to see the way ahead is one of the hardest things to detect and get right. Napoleon Bonaparte was reputed to have dismissed the invention of steam ships with the words, “What, sir! Would you make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? I pray you excuse me. I have no time to listen to such nonsense.” Gary Hamel says that those who run enterprises must guard against such closed thinking by listening to three types of employee: newcomers because they’re not yet into the corporate way of thinking; young people because they have more creativity; and those on the periphery because they’re closer to change.

3. Ride the horse in the direction it’s going.

Even though seeing the way of the future can be tricky, it’s not difficult…if you look closely and without attachment to the way you want it to be. Charles Handy tells the story of how former American President Dwight D.Eisenhower, when President of Columbia University, received a deputation of students asking for a pathway across the grass.

“Why do they walk there?” he asked.
“It’s the easiest way to the hall,” came the reply.
“Well, if that’s the way they’re going to go, then cut a pathway there,” he said.

4. Let go of your attachments.

Seeing change and the need for change is sometimes much easier than we make it. It’s the blocks that get in the way. The main blocks to change are the attachments we hold on to from the past. The three main ones are:

• attachments which make us feel secure, such as status, possessions, routine, old skills and old know-how
• attachments which give us power, such as titles, connections with important others, and a position that is able to reward and punish
• attachments which make us feel good, such as having others need us, look up to us, and be dependent on us.

Hanging on to these attachments when the signs say “Let go” is like the mountaineer who falls down a cliff in the dark and holds on when the ground is just a few inches below his feet.

5. Share your bread. One of the solutions to managing successful change lies in learning new ways. It also means learning together. Peter Senge reminds us that the word “company” came from the word “companion” whose original meaning was “com” meaning “with” and “panis” meaning “bread”. In other words a companion was someone you shared bread with. Senge says that one of the best ways of managing change is to share ideas with others in the organization. This is what car makers Ford did when faced with massive change. Instead of hiring outside consultants to tell them what to do, Ford undertook a one-year teaching programme that involved every one of their salaried employees. And they taught and listened to one another. 200 Ford leaders taught and listened to 1200 section leaders who taught and listened to 50,000 others. As Ford CEO, Jacques Nasser, said, “There is simply no better, faster way to distribute knowledge around a company than through teaching. And the company has to do this teaching with their own people.”

The general consensus is that change is hard. The management gurus tell us so. But there is nothing inherently difficult about change. It’s part of life and at the heart of what happens throughout our lives. Follow the simple steps above and you can put it at the heart of your enterprise.

1. Put up with temporary disorganisation.

If you want to know whether you’re in a state of confused goal-building, there’s one way to tell: take a look at your desk. It’ll be an absolute mess. The confusion of this stage is always reflected in the confusion of your work space. Because you’re trying out different ideas and gathering lots of information, you’ll have odds and ends of notes, scraps of paper with ideas on, half-started plans, bullet lists of things to do. Don’t worry. This is totally normal. Just make sure you have a clear out frequently and don’t lose some of the great seedling ideas hidden in there.

2. Learn to live with frustration.

Along with confusion, the early stage of goal-building is also accompanied with frustration. Well, why are you surprised? If you want something and don’t see a quick and easy way to get it, you’re bound to feel frustrated. That’s OK. It’s just your inner child – who always got what it wanted when it wanted it – having a tantrum. The grown-up version has to be a little more restrained. Like Thomas Edison who calmly, patiently and without frustration, carried out over 1000 failed experiments before he discovered the right way to build a light bulb.

3. Grow roots.

I know you may not believe me, but the state of confusion is the most important stage of goal-building. This is the stage that determines whether you’re going to succeed or not. You may not believe that. In fact, you may long for a bit of clear daylight where everything is routine, not chaos, orderly not muddled, and plain sailing instead of hitting your head against endless brick walls. But, listen. Think of yourself as a plant that’s just been sown. How magnificent a specimen you’re going to be isn’t determined by above-ground growth, but by below-ground roots.

4. Keep asking.

“What’s The Lesson Here?”. Many people who go through the early stages of goal-building measure their progress by how much they’re advancing towards their goal. Don’t do that. After all, if you’re putting down roots, you’re probably advancing in all directions except the ones you’ll be finally moving in. Instead, measure your progress by what you’re learning. When you can learn from every day’s confusion and frustration, you’re making huge leaps forward. Not just in your knowledge and skills, but in your personal strength. That’s why writer Trevor Bentley describes the stage of confusion as “the height of wisdom”.

5. Keep your morale high.

If this all sounds too easy, take heart. Having been through many states of confusion and frustration on the route to my goals, I know exactly how it feels. Some days it feels like treading treacle. The rest of the world seems to be getting on with their lives while you’re stuck in no man’s land. All you want to do is give up and settle for something easier. Well, that’s OK… for a brief spell. But don’t give up. If you feel down – and it’s almost certain you will from time to time – give your morale a boost. Slow down. Chill out. Find some successes. And know with absolute certainty that one day soon you’ll come out of the state of confusion and be within reach of your goal.

6. Let the creative process work.

Getting through confusion is inevitable if you stick with it. Why? Because your creative brain will work it out for you. Imagine that your brain is an exact replica of the mess on your desk. Lots of bits of information all unconnected. While your desk won’t do anything about it, your brain will. It will try to find connections between all the dead ends. That’s why sooner or later, and often in an unguarded moment when you’re not expecting it, things will suddenly fall into place. That’s when you’ll get a eureka moment, an “ah-ah” insight, and a shaft of clear light that means you’re coming out of confusion.

Someone once said that trying to reach a big big goal – like making a million pounds (dollars, rupees…) – was no different from learning how to drive a car or play a musical instrument. It’s about learning to do something you couldn’t do before. The goal may be different in each case but the process is the same. 99 out of 100 people who start the process give up when confusion clouds their way. Why not be the 1 who doesn’t?

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Eric Garner is one of the foremost leaders in management and personal development with a personal guarantee to make you a better manager, trainer, and learner. His company, ManageTrainLearn, runs corporate training programmes in the UK and since 2002 has published a website at www.managetrainlearn.com that provides a wide range of exclusive digital learning products.

This idea is known as “the self-fulfilling prophecy”. When you believe the team will perform well, in some strange, magical way they do. And similarly, when you believe they won’t perform well, they don’t.

There is enough experimental data to suggest that the self-fulfilling prophecy is true. One unusual experiment in 1911 concerned a very clever horse called Hans. This horse had the reputation for being able to add, multiply, subtract, and divide by tapping out the answer with its hooves. The extraordinary thing was that it could do this without its trainer being present. It only needed someone to put the questions.

On investigation, it was found that when the questioner knew the answer, he or she transmitted various very subtle body language clues to Hans such as the raising of an eyebrow or the dilation of the nostrils. Hans simply picked up on these clues and continued tapping until he arrived at the required answer. The questioner expected a response and Hans obliged.

In similar vein, an experiment was carried out at a British school into the performance of a new intake of pupils. At the start of the year, the pupils were each given a rating, ranging from “excellent prospect” to “unlikely to do well”. These were totally arbitrary ratings and did not reflect how well the pupils had previously performed. Nevertheless, these ratings were given to the teachers. At the end of the year, the experimenters compared the pupils’ performance with the ratings. Despite their real abilities, there was an astonishingly high correlation between performance and ratings. It seems that people perform as well as we expect them to.

The self-fulfilling prophecy is also known as the Pygmalion Effect. This comes from a story by Ovid about Pygmalion, a sculptor and prince of Cyprus, who created an ivory statue of his ideal woman. The result which he called Galatea was so beautiful that he immediately fell in love with it. He begged the goddess Aphrodite to breathe life into the statue and make her his own. Aphrodite granted Pygmalion his wish, the statue came to life and the couple married and lived happily ever after.

The story was also the basis of George Bernard Shaw’s play “Pygmalion”, later turned into the musical “My Fair Lady”. In Shaw’s play, Professor Henry Higgins claims he can take a Cockney flower girl, Eliza Doolittle, and turn her into a duchess. But, as Eliza herself points out to Higgins’ friend Pickering, it isn’t what she learns or does that determines whether she will become a duchess, but how she’s treated.

“You see, really and truly, apart from the things anyone can pick up (the dressing and the proper way of speaking and so on), the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves but how she’s treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me as a flower girl, and always will, but I know I can be a lady to you because you always treat me as a lady, and always will.”

The implication of the Pygmalion effect for leaders and managers is massive. It means that the performance of your team depends less on them than it does on you. The performance you get from people is no more or less than what you expect: which means you must always expect the best. As Goethe said, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.”

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Eric Garner is Managing Director of ManageTrainLearn, the site that will change the way you learn forever. Download free samples of the biggest range of management and personal development materials anywhere and experience learning like you always dreamed it could be. Just click on http://www.managetrainlearn.com/ and explore.

1. Be kind. No matter what you say or how you say it, at bottom your communication will always reveal your true thoughts and attitudes. As such, you always have two choices. You can communicate from a standpoint of love or from one of fear. When your communication is laced with sarcasm, blame, threat, anger, anxiety, worry, and control, you are essentially communicating fear. When your communication is laced with respect, appreciation, acceptance, joy, delight, wonder, and acceptance, you are essentially communicating love. If you don’t quite understand the difference, there is an easy way to communicate love not fear: always be kind.

“Words are but pictures of our thoughts.” (John Dryden 1631 – 1700)

2. Be aware of your effect on others. We often use language to criticize and attack others. Some people are masters of doing this in disguise; others do it openly. For many, communication is a battle that they have to win and words are their chief weapons of war. Harsh words can cut people deep and leave their scars for days if not years. That’s why the mark of the true communicator is to know what effect their words have on others and to adjust them accordingly.

“Some words are like rays of sunshine, others like barbed arrows, or the bite of a serpent. And if hard words cut so deep, how much pleasure can kind ones give?” (Sir John Lubbock 1834 – 1913)

3. Emphasize the positive. Really masterful communication doesn’t just depend on getting your message across or even clarifying what someone else is trying to say to you. It goes much deeper. Great communicators leave people feeling better than they did. They said something of value to the other person. Or they appreciated what the other person was saying to them. This happens when the communication isn’t just about the words; it’s about the people.

“There is a subterranean emotional economy that passes amongst all of us. In every interaction, we can make people feel better or worse.” (Daniel Coleman)

4. Don’t assume you’ve been understood. The history of relationships is littered with the history of misunderstood communications. A word gone awry here, a meaning missed there: they all add up to distorting your message and being mis-received.

The story is told of the teacher who handed out a set of worksheets to the pupil at the front of her class with the words, “Please pass these around”. She then turned her attention to the next topic. A few minutes later, she looked up to see the pupil at the back of the room sitting with all the worksheets wondering what to do with them.

As Stephen Covey reminds us, “First, seek to be understood; then understand.”

5. Know when to shut up. If you’ve ever attended a workplace meeting, you’ll know how hard it is to say nothing. Many people attend business meetings with the sole intention of talking, even if it isn’t relevant, even if the point has already been made. Talking is a way to impress. As a result, many meetings waste time and are unproductive. The best communicators are those who are secure enough to admit when they have little to say or little to add. They know when to shut up.

“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, where X is work, Y is play and Z is keep your mouth shut.” (Albert Einstein 1879 – 1955)

6. Don’t interrupt. If you’ve ever eavesdropped on a conversation between two people, you’ll probably have noticed that, instead of there being a progression of ideas building one on top of the other, most people talk over one another. It resembles a contest more than a dialogue. It is rare to see people listening with openness and non-judgment until the other person has stopped speaking. And even rarer to hear people asking for clarification and help with understanding. But holding back while you listen to others is the mark of the real communications expert.

“There is no such thing as conversation. It is an illusion. There are intersecting monologues, that’s all.” (Rebecca West)

7. Don’t gossip. Gossip is a particularly pernicious form of communication. It is idle, often indulged in merely to pass the time, and serves no real purpose other than to make ourselves feel better at the expense of others. If you work with others who like to gossip, simply learn the trick of disengagement: don’t reply, don’t be drawn in, and never do it yourself.

“Great minds think and talk about ideas. Average minds think and talk about situations. Little minds think and talk about other people.”

Working on improving your communications is a broad-brush activity. You have to change your thoughts, your feelings, and your physical connections. That way you can break down the barriers that get in your way and start building relationships that really work. Communicate with others like rays of sunshine, not poisoned arrows.

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Eric Garner is one of the foremost leaders in management and personal development with a personal guarantee to make you a better manager, trainer, and learner. His company, ManageTrainLearn, runs corporate training programmes in the UK and since 2002 has published a website at www.managetrainlearn.com that provides a wide range of exclusive digital learning products.

Here is a model of time management that, although highly original and innovative, is based on a theory that is several thousand years old. The theory is the theory of the Four Elements. According to the ancient Greeks, all matter in the universe was comprised of just four elements: earth, fire, air and water. These four elements are not just real. They’re also symbolic. And they represent the four key elements of time management. When you hold these four elements in balance through the tasks you perform, you bring to your life a rich, varied and harmonious pattern. Let’s see exactly how.

1. Earth Tasks. The Earth element represents the source from which we obtain our nourishment. It is the basis on which everything else is built. It is the rock, the core, the groundwork. Earth tasks are those tasks in our life that have to be done if we are to survive. They include sleeping, eating, and bodily needs. In an organizational context, they are the routines, systems, and rituals around which work is organized.  As such, Earth tasks are essential, if sometimes dull.

Spend up to a quarter of your day on Earth tasks. Do them when you want a break from thinking, creating, and relating tasks.

2. Fire Tasks. The element of Fire represents the creative spark in us. When this spark is lit, it can produce something uniquely special that adds to our lives and the lives of others. Fire tasks include any inspirational, dynamic, spontaneous, and productive work, such as developing new ideas, working on projects, taking risks, trying out something new, developing ourselves and innovating. While we connect with Earth tasks through our lower bodies, we connect with Fire tasks through the heart and belly. Without Fire tasks, your life is repetitive and circular. With Fire tasks, you move ahead and fulfil the potential you were born with.

Spend up to a quarter of your day on Fire tasks. Do them when you want a break from routine, thinking, and relating tasks.

3. Air Tasks. The element of Air is associated with any activity that involves thinking. As such, it is often thought of as any non-doing activity. Air is the most elusive of all the elements. Air is everywhere and nowhere, yet it is impossible to grasp and contain. Air tasks include any pure thinking activity, such as goal-setting, planning, decision-taking, problem-solving, creative thinking, analyzing, and learning. It is also the time we need to spend in our lives for renewal and recuperation. For many people who see work as constant activity, the Air element is a reminder of the need to switch off. Without Air tasks in your life, work becomes a struggle. With them, it becomes effortless.

Spend up to a quarter of your day on Air tasks. Do them when you want a break from routine, creative, and relating tasks.

4. Water Tasks. Water is a metaphor for working with others. Like water, time with others is a connecting process. Just like our relationships, water may be still or turbulent, trickling or rushing, bubbly or calm, shallow or deep, active or passive, destructive or playful. While essential for getting things done, time with others can also be one of our biggest time robbers. We can achieve nothing without others. But if we are not careful, we can achieve nothing because of others. That’s why, like water, this aspect of time management is best when controlled and systemized.

Spend up to a quarter of your day on Water tasks. Do them when you want a break from routine, thinking, and creative tasks.

Balancing each day’s activities is not simply a sensible way to live. It is also healthy, productive and enjoyable. To follow an intense period of planning (Air work) with a physical task (Earth work), then to follow that with time on a project (Fire work), followed by time with colleagues (Water work), is to create a rich and whole texture to the day that somehow feels right. That’s why the theory of the Four Elements, as old as it is, still has so much relevance to our lives today.

1. Be an old-shoe person. By an “old-shoe person”, Johnson meant that you should be as familiar and comfortable with others as their old shoes are. This means easy-going, not easily rattled (if at all), non-judgmental and non-critical. People will then feel safe with you and want to be around you more.

2. Get rid of your scratchy features. We all have features that irritate others. For some it can be a bad habit, like always being late for meetings; for others, it can be an occasional lapse caused perhaps by tiredness and stress when we simply take it out on the nearest person or thing available – what some call “kicking the dog”. To get rid of these features, you need to do two things: first, recognize what these features are; and secondly, set up a diversion sign when you are tempted to do them until the scratchiness is permanently removed.

3. Remember People’s Names. Our names are one of the sweetest sounds to our ears. A chat with someone that slips in their name just at the right moment has a totally different feel from one that doesn’t. If you find it hard to remember people’s names, use the “silly association” trick where you simply make up a silly association between the name and an image. So, someone called Lazenby could be lazing on the beach and someone called Packenham could be packing N letters into a bag. That way, you have an instant recall technique.

4.  Cultivate the quality of being interesting. Being interesting doesn’t mean that you have to be a mine of information. Quite the opposite. When you hog the conversation, people often get bored and avoid you. But when you hold back and let go of the need to impress, they’ll want to engage you more. And, of course, most people find you interesting if your main topic of conversation is the one they always find fascinating: themselves.

5. Practise liking people until you genuinely do. At a spiritual level, we may all be saints. But at a practical everyday level, it can truly be hard to like every person we have to work, or deal, with. How do you get round this and remain sincere? The solution lies in finding what psychologists call “the jewel in the crown”, ie the one or more features that others have that redeem them in our eyes. Once you break through that barrier, you can then find more jewels until you genuinely like the person.

6. Never miss a chance to praise. Goethe, the late 17th century philosopher, said that praise was like sunshine on a rainy day: it warms up any relationship. When you praise others, the key is to use the 3 S’s: simple, straightforward, and sincere. Be simple by telling the person what you like in as few words as necessary. Be straightforward by telling them why you liked it. One trick here is to tell someone how they changed you in some way – which is always more effective than simple praise which can sometimes sound like flattery. And be sincere by meaning every word of it.

7. Give spiritual strength to people and they’ll give genuine affection back. When your relationships with others are based on what you get out of them, then sooner or later you’ll be caught out and either used in turn or dumped. Nobody likes to feel used. However, when your relationships are based on the belief that we are all one, that we are brothers and sisters in this world, that we are all angels with one wing needing each other to fly, then you create a real spiritual bond. You cannot help but like them and they in turn will like you.

You cannot make people like you if they don’t want to. You can wield all the power in the world – as Lyndon Johnson did – and it won’t matter a jot if you treat people badly. But follow the 7 principles that Johnson himself followed, and you can get along with just about anyone.

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Eric Garner is one of the foremost leaders in management and personal development with a personal guarantee to make you a better manager, trainer, and learner. His company, ManageTrainLearn, runs corporate training programmes in the UK and since 2002 has published a website at www.managetrainlearn.com that provides a wide range of exclusive digital learning products.

When we get out of people’s way, they have the space to grow. When we stop thinking for them, they start to think for themselves. And when we stop telling them what our solutions are, they come up with the best solutions of all.

1. Gentle Leadership. Like it or not, the group will turn to the group leader at critical moments in the life of a group…
• to exert authority (especially if someone challenges the agreed rules)
• to be a model of legitimate and compassionate authority
• to be the expert
• to inform
• to adjudicate
• to empower
• to reward
• to provide feedback.

The group leader does not respond to the need for leadership by wresting control back from the group, but rather uses the skills of gentle leadership to help them lead themselves.

“The true leader is always led.” (Carl Jung)

2. Gentle Interventions. Gentle leadership comes from gentle interventions: a gentle frown; a gentle look; a gentle smile; a gentle touch; a gentle nudge; a gentle few words; gentle persuasion.

Other techniques of gentle persuasion are:

• suggesting options but without forcing the group to choose
• posing questions to make people think
• pointing out possible consequences
• making a point indirectly through stories, anecdotes, myth and legends, the way gentle leaders throughout history have always conveyed their message.

“Gentle interventions, if they are clear, overcome rigid resistance. If gentleness fails, try yielding or stepping back altogether. When the leader yields, resistance fails.” (John Heider)

3. 3D Leaders. The 3-D leader is the leader who can lead a group from any of the following three positions:
• out in front of the group
• in amongst the group
• at the back of the group.

The 3-D leader is like the mountain guide who knows when to tell the group to “Follow me!”, when to mix in amongst them to gain their confidence; and when to let everyone climb a cliff first so that he can check their progress and safety from below.

The distinctive mark of the 3-D leader is care; and from caring comes the courage to try bold things.

4. Charisma. Charisma is a quality that belongs to the art of gentle leadership. It enables you to influence others simply by your presence and attentiveness.

One of the most charismatic people ever to have lived was President John F. Kennedy. It was said that when you spoke to Kennedy, you were made to feel that nothing else in the world mattered to him at that moment than you, your thoughts and feelings. That’s the effect of charisma.

The word “charisma” comes from the “Charities” or Graces of Greek mythology. These were three goddesses, Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, who were reputed to have given humour, graciousness and good manners to mankind.

5. Class. The gentle leader has no need to prove himself or herself to the group. When interventions are made, they are as a last resort; when skills are used, they are always understated.

“One thing that all of us must understand, whether it is in selling, business or in our relationships with others, is not to come on too strong. Many of us tend to do this. We get so excited that our enthusiasm outruns the content of our message. That is, the harder you try, the more doubt you imply to the listener.

There is a phrase that covers this. The object is to be so strong, so powerful, that you can afford to be gentle. As change occurs, as your growth happens from inside, you will become more powerful, more confident. So you can become gentle, at ease and real. Which is another way of saying you will have class.” (Louis Tice)

6. The Leader as Catalyst. A catalyst is a substance that merely by its presence, causes change in other substances.

The group facilitator acts as catalyst when he or she shows the group genuine understanding, offers them recognition, helps them to make sense of their problems and encourages them to be all they can be.

• at the feeling level, she is wooer, charmer, and empathizer
• at the thinking level, he is interpreter, questioner and stimulator
• at the valuing level, she is champion, enabler and nurturer.

None of these roles are played up front as if to say: “Look at me”. They are always applied with a light and gentle touch.

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Eric Garner is Managing Director of ManageTrainLearn, the site that will change the way you learn forever. Download free samples of the biggest range of management and personal development materials anywhere and experience learning like you always dreamed it could be. Just click on <a href=”http://www.managetrainlearn.com”>ManageTrainLearn</a> and explore.