The ‘relationship web’ that we weave around ourselves is predicated on five “T” triggers: tribe, talk, time, trust and taste.

The first set of relationships that we inherit at birth is our immediate family and relatives. Let us name them TRIBE relationships. “Family comes first” is an old adage that is still followed by many Indians. However in this fast-paced digital era, it is becoming more and more difficult to keep this ‘tribal web’ intact. There are too many troubled father-son, brother-brother/sister, father-mother, uncle-nephew, cousin-cousin, father-son-in-law etc relationships that are either suffocating us or no longer useful or healthy.

Some relationships are maintained because they are necessary for us to hold on to other more important relationships, while others are maintained for mutually selfish and ulterior motives. And there are still others that exist because tolerating them is little less harmful than leaving them. In these times when phone rates are almost equal to zero, the rate at which we call up family and say “kya haal hai” is also alarmingly close to zero.

I can also give you many examples of people in relationships who have not spoken a civil or sincere word to each other in years, even as they continue sharing their bathrooms, bedrooms and drawing rooms.

This brings me to the other trigger called TALK. Ideally speaking, your relationship with someone should reach such a stage where the communication happens without a word being spoken or there’s no need to overtalk as you develop a tacitly mutual understanding about each other’s habits and needs. Just look at a new born baby and the mother. To me that’s the ultimate relationship because the only communication that they have is the baby’s cry and they are both comfortable only when there’s absolute silence. If ever you want to test your relationship, test it on this parameter, I promise you will never be disappointed. But let me re-emphasize, talking has a role to play in any relationship, but your eventual aim should be develop a comfortable silence.

TIME and TRUST are the two axes of relationship graph. You might need time to develop trust, but once the trust is there, the relationship becomes timeless. There are people with whom you spent just a few moments (on a journey or at a function) and you trust them for a lifetime. And then there are people you have spent a life with but don’t trust them even for a moment. Who understands the dynamics that drive relationships – are they karmic or are they simply based on basic needs, hormones or shallow impulses?

And lastly, relationships are also made out of your personal choices, like personal interests say — TASTE. Most relationship problems occur because because partners are concentrating on what’s missing in the other person according to their taste. They fail to realize that however good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the “right” person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are on the inside and the person you really need to look at is….yourself.

And, this will remain true as long as human beings exist. Let’s ponder on why we need to play sports.

Humans are nothing but an assembly of different kinds of energies. This includes positive and negative energies. The positive energies are enthusiasm, hope, compassion, joy and any emotion or thought that is constructive in terms of bringing people together for a good purpose. And we cannot live without them even for a moment. The negative energies are the leftovers of our evolution from animal to human. These raw energies include hate, envy, anger, fear or any emotion or thought that divides humans or creates conflict. War is one of the results of this animal instinct or negative energy.

When we fight, attack, defend, run, jump, deceive, catch, hit, throw or anything that is considered aggressive or unacceptable in the civilized world, our negative energies are at work. These characteristics are not needed in the modern world because they are against the grain of civilization. But a channel is needed to divert or convert these negative energies to our advantage. Hence the need for sports.

Let me put across the logic behind this. Where would we find these words appearing as perfectly acceptable? In sports! These are precisely the characteristics needed to be a winner in sports. All these comprise a sports skill set. You do not see this skill set set being appreciated often in your work life, do you? In everyday life, you get punished or ostracized for attacking, hitting, throwing, catching or deceiving. But, you are applauded when this skill set is used in sports.

Now that we have dealt with the origins, let us focus on the merits of sports, The main thing is that any game does is give a level playing field to all — that is, it offers the same playing conditions to all competitors and they have to act on their skills, right there on the field to prove their worth. There are no secret support systems. In this progressively chaotic and corrupt world, sports remain the only tiny islands of equality.

Another thing that it does is to inspire many to great achievements. The legendary cricketer, Kapil Dev who hailed from a small village in Haryana was inspired to aim for excellence by just listening to the radio commentary of the cricket games. And not many know that the first test match that Kapil played was also the first ever international test match he actually saw. Think about the stories of other great sports achievers like Sir Vivian Richards, Tiger Woods or Roberto Baggio and you’ll understand the aspirational power exerted by the lure of sports.

Apart from this, sports are the biggest uniting factor among diverse people in every corner of the world. From soccer to cricket and basketball to golf, there is nothing like a competitive game to draw supporters from every background together with one purpose in mind — to cheer on their team to victory!

And off course, we cannot forget participating in sports is the best way to remain physically fit. The flow of adrenalin also helps to relieve depression and anyone who particiaptes in sports will confirm that is an enormous stress reliever as long as one is not playing in a seriously competitive arena. Sports occupy a very important place in world priorities and for a very good reason. It is definitely a “win-win” situation any way you look at it — as a spectator or a participant.

When my father thought that I should go to a boarding school (9th birthday), I had already made the best of friends at the neighborhood school. When Papa gifted me with a bicycle (14th birthday), I already had a learning license for the Hero Honda. When he suggested that, I should stop experimenting with my hairstyle every fortnight (18th birthday), I had already started shaving. When he wanted me to be a chartered accountant (21st birthday), I had already submitted the form for my advertising course. When he asked me to settle down (24th birthday), I was already bored with my advertising job. When Papa wanted me to get married (26th birthday), I had already had my second break-up.

There is one very popular phrase to describe this dynamic — Generation Gap. It has existed since the times of Lord Krishna and his father Nanda; Shehanshah Akbar and his son-turned-Romeo, Shehajada Saleem and even Gurubhai (Dhirubhai) and his schoolteacher father.

What creates this situation of conflict between a father and his son? This invariably happens because both parties are stuck in time. Sometimes in the present, at other times in their past and at some other times in a hazy future as envisioned by both. I mean, when the father is looking at his son’s future, the son is talking of his father’s past. Moreover, when the son talks about his present, the father tells him of his own past. Then, when they both talk about their present, the son is not impressed by his father’s past and the father is worried about his son’s future. Strangely, there is no talk of either the son’s past or the father’s future.

We need to understand the high price we end up paying for these generation gap conflicts. The first loss is that of mutual respect. When the silence between two individuals is uncomfortable, the relationship is in danger. The two pairs of eyes cannot meet even for the time it takes to say, “Papa” or “Beta”. Many dreams are withheld or allowed to wither away just because their experiences and expectations are different. Many emotions are repressed and concealed because of swollen egos (father) or irrational exuberance (son). What remains are many unexpressed feelings and unending arguments.

Let’s take a mango tree to represent the father. Firstly, it bears a mango (his son) only when it has grown strong and high enough to be able to nourish and sustain the mango. The mango tree makes itself dense and strong to protect the mango from the weather, animals and even greedy humans. It sheds all its leaves during autumn to retain the fruit. The tree initially gives the mango its own green colour. The first flavor of the young mango is also like the leaves. So, for an onlooker the young mango is not visibly distinct from the mango tree. Thus, the identity of the mango is the mango tree.

With time and the process of natural growth, the mango matures and it acquires its own sweet taste and a distinct vibrant yellow, saffron or red colour. Now the identity of the mango tree is the mango. The world knows the tree by the variety (identity) of the mango. Either the mango is plucked or the tree lets it fall because it has grown in weight and individuality. When they part ways there are no more expectations and promises. Just a simple and strong bonding of the soul called the “seed” (the mother). And of course of the name “mango”. The mango (son) gives back all he has received from his tree (father) by becoming the tree for another yet another mango.

And so the cycle of life continues continues along for another generation. Sons are born, fathers brim with pride and expectations abound. But with the years they grow apart and there are bruising conflicts along the way. But usually the relationship survives in one form or another. It’s been happening for thousands of years. Nothing much changes except the faces and places…..

Trustworking!

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” -Friedrich Nietzsche

It was that time of my life when i was still struggling to show that i am no more a teenager, by the virtue of my micro mustache. I had the “first best friend” of my life. We used to play cricket together, and that’s all we used to do then. Studies were a mere ‘night watchman’ to score the runs…urghhh, the marks, to be able to be the part of the cricket team of our class, the following year. So after all the regular processes of winning the confidence of my parents, i was allowed to gift myself a cricket bat, my first ever. I scored 32 not out runs with it the very next day. And then i gave it to my “first best friend” to keep it at his place for the night as his home was nearby the ground. The next morning, when we met at the school, he was without my beloved. When asked, he said what could only suit a pro politician. He lied. Plain vanilla lie, that he knows nothing about the bat. That he never had it. This was the first time in my life that i was cheated upon, the trust was broken. I knew i had a lovely bat, but never thought it to be so good that someone could actually steal it.

“You can’t even trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.” W.C.Fields

What comes naturally to humans, trust or distrust? Should we trust everything and everyone until proven otherwise? Or vice versa? Or is it like ‘whats the big deal’ ? Trust: confident expectation of something. This is how oxford dictionary defines it. I feel, trust is like the oxygen concealed in the air. So, you just don’t inhale oxygen, but air and you exhale all that is not oxygen. Trust to me is exactly like this. Ideally you should trust in totality and then leave out all that’s not trustworthy. Let me explain. I can trust my bank to keep my money safe (even after Lehman Brothers) but i cannot trust them to not charge me exorbitantly. So what do i do? I negotiate. I keep a check. I exhale. Let’s take another example. When i drive i trust the road, my vehicle and the other vehicles. But then i cannot trust them so much that i drive with my eyes closed. And yet i trust them so much that i speed up, over take and follow their indicators(signals). I remain safe and keep moving. I exhale.

Another argument is that these examples are of a system driven trust and not instinct based trust. There’s a difference when you trust a bank/road vis-a-vis  a friend, family or a stranger. I agree. But, I feel we as a society are obsessed with ‘time’. We generally trust everyone and anyone whom we have known for a long time. It starts with the family, the very first people we meet on this earth. For the same reason childhood friends are trusted more than college friends. The old clients, employees, partners, brands etc. are blindly trusted. ‘Old is Gold’ works. Always? What ails the ‘new’ is the fear of unknown. Lack of knowledge/consciousness.

“I am fine when i don’t know what i don’t know. I am restless when i know what i don’t know.” – Anonymous Scientist.

Actually when we distrust someone/something we are distrusting our knowledge/consciousness of the person/subject and when we trust someone/something we trust our knowledge/consciousness of it. So when its broken or upheld, its that awareness/consciousness that’s at work and not the subjects credentials. Just come to think of all those people who have arrived in their lives, they reached that far not by distrusting but by trust. Trust in themselves. So when they happen to meet new opportunity/people their natural and first instinct is to trust, have faith, and nothing else exists. No question of distrust. Such is their conviction in their instinct of trust. Trust is not an emotion. Its an instinctive mental ability, something that enables you to reach the potty seat despite of complete darkness in the bedroom and a sleepwalking body and mind. You trust every step and hence every step trusts you. Its all about you and the consciousness about your self.

“There isn’t much difference between ‘distrust’ and ‘destruct’, is there?” -Anonymous Terrorist.

Sadly, in the times that we are living, every mother’s first lesson to a teenager is of distrust. DO NOT TRUST anything until proven. She doesn’t trust her upbringing and teachings. She doesn’t trust her trust in her ability to create of a good human being out of a kid. She doesn’t trust her very own DNA. And hence so much circumspection around with everything and everyone. I dearly feel, that the do-not-trust epidemic germinates here. The teenager starts feeling so insecure that his first and natural instinct becomes distrust. Which means: Not having confident expectation of something.
So we have a world where we spend big on networking but low on trustworking i.e. the people whom you can trust with your life. I hope to see a world where we grow in life not just because we know and we are known, but because we trust and we are trusted. Reading into the future and sticking my neck out, TRUSTWORKING will work more than NET WORTH and NETWORK both put together. The only way to make the world trustworthy is to trust it. No matter what. I do.

I still trust my ‘first best friend’, that the bat indeed was too lovely to part away with.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. –Timothy Leary.

Mr/Mrs God created the universe in opposites. Presence and absence. So we have day and night. So what is absent in the day is present in the night and vice versa. The day offers you lots of energy and enterprise. This is what helps man make a good living. On the other hand, the night offers calmness and creativity. So this duality of day-night results is a complete, holistic life, that is, time to make a living and time to process the joy of living. Now who on the planet can tell me which is more important or less necessary and why?

Let us understand this in the light of the times and factors that contributed to building this pattern of behaviour among humans. When in the primitive shelters like caves, man because of his physical strength and ability had to fight it out with the weather and wild animals, while the woman was the one who had to be protected and to be supplied the food.

Also every time she had to carry their child for long nine months (without even the most basic medical facilities, she would become entirely dependent on her man). This was the norm even when she reared the child and he ventured out to do all that was needed for his family’s survival. He could not bear, feed and breed the child because of his anatomy and she could not run, hunt and fight the brutal wild animals because of her specialized anatomy. He brought the food and she prepared some semblance of a meal. Till this point, none of them thought of the other as being superior or more important. There was no comparison, just an appreciation for the mutually supportive roles of the man and the woman.

This was before man became a social animal. As soon as he became socialized and tribal living ended, things began to change as the roles of males and females were questioned by each other. The spectre of comparison began to rear its head with the thought that  between the ‘day’ (man) and ‘night’ (woman), man was better and more important, hence he became dominant and oppressive. And woman felt she was  less important so she felt dominated and oppressed.

In the times that we are living in, there’s no need for useless comparisons. How can you compare day and night? Can day exist without night and night without the day? One cannot exist without the other. Day and night, like man and woman, are nothing but two different software programmes that run on the same hardware and operating system. So you can compare them for example, only if you can compare Microsoft Office and Microsoft Media Player. We are at fault when we say, “Woman can do everything that man can do and more”. Why waste yourself in doing what man can already do for you? Why and how is earning a meal better than cooking a meal?

My message to all the differently talented, skilled, programmed but restless female half of the human race is: It’s about time you stop comparing yourself to and liberating yourself from men. Enjoy your power as a woman and your role as a nurturer as you complement and balance the human equation to make it whole.

I think a foolish person (fool) is the one who knows, does and views things differently from wise men, as well as other fools. And that’s why neither the wise men nor the other fools comprehend, contemplate or communicate with him. And for the sake of convenience and respect the name given to this living being is “fool.” We always tend to relate foolishness to absence of common sense and knowledge. Fools are unwanted everywhere, because we feel they are just not worth our time and effort to be courteous and tolerant. But if you keep an open mind you may well realise that foolishness is not stupidity. It is thinking way beyond the logical, rational and unimaginative minds of wise people. I say this primarily for the following reasons.

Foolishness is not about a person, but a phase of life or a reaction to a situation.

You will agree that we all have been foolish in some instance, phase or stage of our lives. And we have seen the wisest of the wise men being foolish at times. For instance, scientists and researchers at NASA, had spent years and millions of dollars trying to find the right tool to be able to write in the space, since pens don’t work because of the lack of gravity. They then discovered that their counterpart in the then USSR (Russia), used pencils to solve the same problem. Now would you dare call NASA, foolish?

Even in our daily lives we make a mess sometimes due to our silly logic. But we call them ‘mistakes’, because these slip ups are not frequent or important enough to push us into calling ourselves ‘fools’. So the only matter of difference between the so-called ‘wise’ and ‘fools’ is of the frequency and magnitude of mistakes. Once you have crossed that line between predictable thinking and unpredictable thinking you are likely to be called a ‘fool’ by your contemporaries. To me it only means that you have gone beyond the thinking and imagination of your time and it’s time to move on.

To think fools are useless is foolish. All the real creativity that the world has ever seen came from those perceived as ‘fools’ or men thought to be ‘mad.’ It took some real madness to prove gravity with a falling apple. It took a real fool to assert than the earth was spherical when everyone else claimed it was flat. If Orkut or Facebook were to form a group of fools or mad people, it will surely have the following names registered: Copernicus, Isaac Newton, Archimedes, Aristotle, Galileo, Saint Kabeer, Mirza Ghalib etc. All of them, for most of their lives had been called ‘fools’ or ‘mad’ by contemporary society. It happened because they arrived in the world before their contemporaries were ready for them. So before we judge the ‘fools’ of our times, we need to wait for at least a century to confirm that they didn’t evolve into the geniuses of our era while we were stuck in the status quo wearing blinders.

The concept of a book starts within someone who is restless with a concept. So restless that he cannot keep it to himself. He feels like sharing it with anyone who’s interested. He becomes like a live volcano wanting to erupt and express itself. It takes days, months, years and sometimes a lifetime for a writer to put down all his thoughts in a book. But when it does, he feels spent and fulfilled at the same time.

Most people read books either to be entertained or to seek information. Some also read to find what someone else thinks. But the real worth of reading is when one reads a book to read his own mind.

I am referring to those unexplored, untouched and hidden sparks of wisdom that can be excavated within us only when we resonate with a like minded writer through the medium of a book. I am talking about those “Ahh! I know exactly what you mean…” moments in reading when one comes across statements which you can claim as your own because they have been nestling in your head or at the tip of your tongue, waiting to come out. Sometimes you feel jealous of the writer for having written it before you.

Swami Vivekananda in one of his very intense speeches proclaimed that there’s no knowledge that comes from the outside the mind. My interpretation of this assertion is that all knowledge and wisdom are perennially seeded in the mind. Like with dry wood, the potential of fire is always present, it just needs the spark to light it. The fire in it is “sushupta”, subdued and subconscious. But it’s there. The author through his book tries to ignite the fire in the reader’s mind. But if the wood is wet, then nothing can fire it. This wet wood represents the state of a closed mind when it is heavy and dense with preconceived notions.

There are really only two types of books. One type feeds escapism and entertainment impulses and the other opens up your mind to allows you access to long-seeded ideas that need expression. I lust after the latter because it ignites the fire of self-exploration in me. I am passionate about this kind of book because it has a transformative effect on me as I connect to the writer on a deep level. It feeds my hunger for answers and self-expression. The book becomes an intimately shared bond with the writer and allows me to expand my mind and consciousness which is one of my primary purposes in life. Book lust is a fascinating addiction….don’t you think?

Man has a basic resistance to chaos. He likes life predictable and systematic. Want evidence? Look around you. See how good a man is at creating systems that are simple, identical and replicable. The quality, dimensions and features of the computer that you are looking at right now have been identically replicated under mass production by man and man-made machines. Also, look at the bricks that were used in building the room where you are sitting in — they are all the result of similar intentions and action.

I bet you will find this intent and effort towards synchronization, system, similarity and simplicity in almost everything that is man-made or conceptualized by humans. Take for instance our schools, where we mass – produce students of similar skills, knowledge and attitudes. What about our religious institutions where we cultivate faith and belief for mass acceptance. Man is continually seeking system and order. And anything that is not well-ordered is considered ‘chaotic’ by him.

However, God (Nature or Creator) likes complexity and chaos. Look at the living things that God has created like the trees, leaves, flowers, animals, birds, insects and microscopic organisms etc. And, the non-living things like rocks (God made version of bricks), mountains, seas, rivers, clouds, soil and air etc.

Ponder over it for a while and you will realize that none of the things mentioned in this list have an identical pair. No two trees look similar. Even the most similar looking leaves of a plant are different in some way or the other. Have you ever eaten two apples (or any other fruit) that look and taste same? Invariably the answer would be an emphatic “no”.

The human desperation for synchronization is also reflected in the concept called time. When man invented time, he might not have imagined that he was creating his own master. We have a fixed time for everything. The omnipresent master of the human race, called a clock, governs all offices, schools, railways, airplanes etc. On the other hand, try giving a fixed time for rains, earthquakes or even an everyday phenomenon like sunrise and sunset, and you will be wrong each time. That is how God governs his empire. He is enigmatic. God is not punctual.

So, why is Man like that? Is he that careful a person or is he is just trying to impress God or is it that he just cannot be anything but systematic, synchronized and simple? I don’t think any of these descriptions are accurate.

And, why is God like that? Is He careless or He is just experimenting or does He just want to have some fun? Maybe God just cannot be anything but chaotic, asynchronous and complex? I think all of these descriptions are accurate.

God, one might believe is very careful but I think He is not. Have a look at the way He has made human beings. He gave us almost similar bodies with congruently designed body parts even to the microscopic level of the body cells. Each body cell is the same in all of us. However he programmed them so differently that certain cells grow to become body parts while others grow to become a deadly disease called cancer. He installed a brain in all of us but with dissimilar qualities, capacities and intentions. Hence, you have a major difference between the two shrewdest brains of Albert Einstein and Adolf Hitler.

Maybe we can all agree that God loves experimenting. The proof for this line of thought is the constant flux that we are living in. The only thing constant is change.

One ancient Persian saying goes something like this “…there never has been, there never will be and there never is a moment repeated in the history of time”. To my very human imagination, God could either be a scientist at work or a playing child. So, either He is experimenting and still exploring or He is just aimlessly changing things to have some fun.

Still don’t agree? Then the last reason might satisfy you. GOD LOVES CHAOS. He likes the way we remember Him and seek Him whenever we are in midst of a chaotic situation (please read the first line of the passage again). He seeks your prayer, your attention. We remember God when we lose someone, when we lose something, or when we are lost. We can safely say that we remember God mostly when our lives are out of control. We as a breed have realized this that things work our way if we keep in touch with the Creator. Over the period of human evolution, He has realized that only chaos and complexity can prevent Him from being obsolete or forgotten.

Now, the next time you are late, in trouble, or surprised, just think that God is at work.

When we are frustrated we lose patience and the ability to be civil to others. This generation needs patience more than its predecessors. Those were the days when people received letters by the snail mail post, weeks after they were sent and they would welcome them with enthusiasm and excitement. Now we are complaining about our computer speed and how we can improve it by nanoseconds. We have taken our speedy information access and work beyond human levels with our man-made machines and now we have grown impatient with any activity that is slow and time-consuming. Thus, impatience has become a social disease.

How do we cultivate patience? One word: FAITH. We must learn to have faith in our fate and ourselves. Faith that, in the end, everything is meant to be fine, and if it’s not as we anticipated then it’s not the end. Order, rather than chaos is the ultimate goal of the universe. So whenever you look, look at the bigger picture, which is the more accurate one. Remember, “Our patience will achieve more than our force,” said Edmund Burke.

The other thing we tend lose quickly is our head. The familiar demons of temper outbursts and long-abiding anger keep haunting us. This happens because either we try to control situations according to our rules or we believe that we haven’t been given enough control by others. Let us get one thing as clear. For whatever reason we might be here, it has nothing to do with controlling anything. So why stretch?

Now, how do you keep a cool head? Again, one word: AVOID. Try to reduce your passion for the things that arouse your anger. Try not to belong to the things that hurt you. The only thing you belong to is your spirit. Everything else is meant to distract or destroy you – but only if you allow it to happen. If there’s a particular person, reason, or passion that test your temper then remove it from your life or get yourself out of the situation. Escape it or avoid it.

The only unavoidable thing in life is death.

Finally to sign it off….Life’s real wisdom lies in taking serious things lightly and light things seriously.

I recently participated in a ‘heated’ dinner debate about which is the best season of them all. One person said “winter” for all the cosy comforts it provides. Another said “summer”, firstly because of school holidays and secondly for its importance in facilitating rains. But I stood firm on my favourite – the rainy season of course.

There’s something very unique and personal about everyone’s perception of rain. None of the other two seasons cause so many disruptions in our rigid, mundane routines. Even our surroundings seem to take on a new lease after the rains, sporting a new fresh and vibrant look. Getting to work late is actually acceptable because one has a good excuse. Umbrellas become the latest accessories and the raincoat, the in-fashion clothing.

This is the only season that affects all the five senses. Walk with me here:

Which is the best fragrance that a human nose can smell?
The smell of the soil after the first rains of the season.

Which is the most lovable sound to the ear?
The sound of rain droplets on a window pane, on a tin roof or in a lake.

And the best touch ever?
The feel of the rain trickling down on your hands from the spokes of the umbrella.

And which is the most wonderful sight?
The sight of a tall tree dancing to the tune of the drizzling rain and gusty wind.

What taste’s the best?
When it rains, just open your mouth and look up into the sky.

Do you know of any other season that could provide such joy and pleasure to all your senses? The summer and the winter are too harsh (especially our Nagpur version) to titillate the senses. And you cannot see, taste, hear or smell them. You can just feel them. And they can seem ‘good or bad’ subjectively.

There’s even a bit of spiritual potential to the rain. All spiritual science is predicated on controlling and focusing the senses. Rain teaches and enables the same. It demands so much out of you that you forget everything and just lose yourself in it. That’s a prime example of the bhakti rasa. The spirit of compassion, devotion and focused attention.

Rain overwhelms you. Can you imagine not talking of rain when it’s raining? Can you ignore the lightning and thunder that accompany it? How can you ignore it when it is drenching you without mercy? To me the unfettered impact of rain symbolises what means to be compassionate. Compassion is always all inclusive. And this is like the process of self-realisation. You focus all your senses on something, so much so that you are subsumed. And then when you have done this all that remains is your true “Self” and nothing else. No trappings, ego, niceties…nothing but the pure, essential You.

Good listeners are becoming extinct among us. What is even more disturbing is that very few of us are concerned about our inability to be attentive listeners.

The ear is a radar that picks up frequencies created by any kind of sound and sends them to the brain. This is hearing. Hearing is an effect (of some sound or noise), while listening is an effort. Hearing is a natural biological function while listening is a choice on our part. Many of us have only heard and never really listened in our lives. Listening is an effort to receive all that comes to the ear in the form of speech or sound and understand it as well as if you have spoken it. A good listener tries to understand what is being said. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he must know what exactly he disagrees with and that can only happen if he listens attentively. Listening is quite an evolved process within human consciousness.

When a knowledgeable man speaks, only a wise man has the ears, heart and wisdom to listen. The wisdom he possesses is not because he is wise, but because he listens. Out of the 5 senses, listening uses the least amount of energy. Perhaps that’s why sound (alarm) is used to wake up from sleep. Listening is a very sensitive process with complex psychological inputs. Let us explore some of them.

You don’t just listen to sound outside you. You can listen to your own voice. Try speaking your name, and it sounds like the crescendo of a concert. Try listening to your thoughts, they sound even louder and clearer because they are even closer to the brain. Try listening to the feelings of pain, relief, desire, joy, surprise etc. Each of these has a distinct sound associated with it. I would even go to the extent of saying that everything in this world is sound or has sound or makes sound. All you need is a set of ears that can catch, convey and comprehend these sound waves.

The one factor that will make you a genius listener is patience. There is no barter for patience. The second equally important intention is to get the message right, as exact as possible. Therefore what you need is a positive body language to make the speaker feel confident that he is making sense to you. This will help him to convey his idea better, so the eventual beneficiary is you, the avid listener.

Here are the thumb rules to being a good listener:
1. Listen to the speaker, instead of planning what you will say in return.
2. Listen as if you are listening to the cancellation of your death sentence.
3. When you speak, make sure that you have finished speaking before the audience has finished listening.
4. Interrupt only when the speaker wants it.
5. Remember, your ears will never get you in trouble.

I will sign off now with one of my favourite quotes on listening: I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Robert McCloskey.