The challenge is in uncovering the hidden self of a person by ways and means other than the obvious. One of the newer trends is in Mess Analysis. The human mind is very simple. It zeros in on the obvious. The guy whose drawer is in a mess is seen as having a disorganized pattern of thinking too. This is as crude as it can get. The human psychological make-up is rather complex and a given tendency may not reflect presumed truth. Take for instance the people who like cleanliness and order as predicted by astrology for Virgo people. My experience is that they are so concerned with cleanliness and order that they become a pain in the neck for everybody; there is very little left in their lifestyle to accommodate others.

A spic and span attitude shows them as intelligent, capable and of course better than others; so they really expect appreciation. Even the slightest hint that their decisions and methods may not be the best usually puts them in a defensive mode and they will then argue to justify themselves till they browbeat you into silence. Now if this were true, of what use is the orderliness? Perfection for perfection’s sake is difficult to digest in this imperfect world. I have lived with such people and found them to be intractable and difficult to make friends with. They are very intelligent but use their intelligence to find fault with everything and everybody around them. Order and cleanliness are wonderful things and we should live by the highest standards but they make one so predictable and boring.

On the other extreme of the spectrum is the unruly creative person who has so many possibilities jostling in his head and has many projects at any given time. Then it is not always easy or practical to complete every project in one go so it presupposes that he would have incomplete projects lying around that seem a mess to the uninitiated. If the visitor jumps to the conclusion that this man would not amount to anything then he would be totally wrong because he would have failed to see the genius behind it all. I am personally very comfortable with this kind of a person. I have this nephew who is rather a remarkably intelligent person. He is into quality control which means he is always learning new trends, techniques, technologies and processes. That keeps his mind sharp. Add to this his ability to converse well and get his point across. The flip side of all this is that he has many things on his plate at any given time and the chances are that whatever can be made to wait keeps going down on the list of to-do’s. So out necessity and somewhat by temperament he has become a ‘procrastinator’. He is kind-hearted to a fault and has not learnt to say ‘no’. So people make demands on him because they know that he would do the job well. The poor fellow has little time as he travels and is out of town quite often; then there are pressing needs of his own family when he does happen to be home.

I must admit that if I wanted my letter to be posted, I would certainly not trust him. But if I were seriously sick, he is the first person I would want around me.

Ask any homicide detective: the obvious is almost a worthless indicator of anything. Until we learn to go behind the veil that all of us create about us, the façade will mislead us every time. Predictable facades are the most misleading.

Now marriage as an institution is an attempt by the human mind to bring some order in the chaos that sexuality brings. The average humanity goes through this mill and it is the only kind of evolutionary sadhana an average person goes through. Humanity has been brain-washed to find happiness in it – not just happiness but the ultimate happiness. Then religious factors have been drummed into us which are very contrary to real life. So marriage creates many dilemmas. Many of the dilemmas are so contrary to our own life’s path that a lot of pain is created.

Marriage until it goes beyond the hormonal level and social customs cannot give happiness. It was designed for regularity and social order. It can give a lot of happiness but until companionship develops between the two parties, there is no happiness.

I have known two marriages in the Ashram which were based on the necessity of the spirit and devotion to each other. Marriage vows were taken more for convenience of the society and its laws. The marriage in spirit was already made.

A very basic problem of marriage is that people outgrow themselves and both the partners do not grow equally and not in the same direction nor at the same speed. This creates even more self-centred pressures.

I could see the marriages around me and the lack of happiness in them. This was very discouraging. Most marriages were held together because of economic or legal hassles and sometimes because of the attachments to children.

I wanted to try out partnering with a woman but every time I made a friend or reached the embrace stage, the woman’s demands would begin and this was a big put-off.

Then I meditated and realised that I am reacting to the shape of woman automatically. This is something that is embedded in us since the beginning of time. If we focus sincerely within we soon see that it is not one person that we are attracted to but the basic characteristics of the opposite sex. Proximity plays a big part in these affairs of love. Leave two bodies together and they will find enough attractiveness in each other to want to mate.

When people marry they do just this, totally ignoring the person in the body. When the body’s needs are met the real person residing above the neck starts making his or her demands and thus the acrimony begins to enter the atmosphere.

Having realized this I concluded I wanted a love affair and not a marriage. Moreover I would wait till somebody found me attractive enough and love me for myself and then I would let myself go. I was very influenced by the book Mrs Craddock by Somerset Maugham. In this, he says, ‘Between two lovers there is always one who loves and the other who lets himself/herself be loved.’

And I could see this happening all around me and my own experiments with flirting proved that as long I was running after a person she would show interest but soon it would melt into nothingness.

Finally I had the experience of somebody who came into my life and gave herself without question at the age of 36. It was giving all the way. And it was a most beautiful experience. I had many elevating moments as I saw myself in all hues and learnt more about myself than I had until now. Suddenly my own self was laid out in front of me without any curtains.

Then circumstances changed and nothing came out of it.

I even discussed this with my teachers in the ashram where I had grown up. If I had to stay out in the world and not in the ashram, marriage was becoming a pragmatic necessity. But as a practitioner of numerology I had seen that marriage happened only with the diametrically opposite ‘number’. So if I wanted to get into marriage I should be ready for opposition, misunderstandings and turbulence.

Again as an experiment I started my love affairs. I would fall in love (so called) but every time I would propose marriage they told me that they did not feel needed and would leave me. I wondered what was wrong with me how these ladies could see through me.

Eventually I married for practical reasons and it was a terrible time of torment. But I decided not to run away. I learnt a lot about my own selfish attitudes because the feedback from the partner was immediate and honestly speaking true. So first I concentrated on my negative attributes and compromised with my partner at every stage. When the relationship began to stabilise and she started trusting me a bit, I stared discussing her attitudes and how some of her behaviour was hurting me. Slowly she also started to change her patterns but not as consciously as I had done.

Now I can say that marriage put me in a bind and forced me to look inward and gave me the final push towards enlightenment. When all is said and done, the best moments I have known in my life came through my child and I am enjoying my child like a person possessed. Because now my wife and I have found friendship we are having, generally speaking, a jolly good time, busy raising our kid. Her own insecurities do frighten her sometimes into quarrels with me but they are manageable.

Marriage is team-work and this is an acquired trait which has to be learnt and practised with serious intent. Of course, we complement each other but most of us would be equally happy living alone, content in our own selfish balloons. Modern life has made that dream a real possibility and all are aware of it but there is a big BUT.

Our genes and hormones have a potent force of their own. Destiny which is still running our lives – we may accept it or not – keeps us throwing into contact with attractive people of the opposite sex which gets the desire centres humming.

The yin and yang principle is at work in nature. Opposites coexist and attract each other. Observe closely and you will see that by some quirk of fate, every couple is a pairing of two people with opposite tendencies. The law of creation takes us to our next level of evolution by the effort we put in to live with each other. We are each other’s teachers.

Clashes will be but we have to learn to see both ends of the argument and learn to go beyond the obvious and mundane, for there are always some common points as well. The creator has used the sexual energy well. There is a lure here which serves a dynamic purpose. It keeps repopulating the mother earth and also helps in realizing the merger of the opposite sides of the same coin in the form of two individuals. It should be best seen as a spiritual discipline.

At the other end of the spectrum is the fact that we cannot all make our bread, tailor our clothes, make our shoes, construct our house and make our cars; so we need other people in our lives. In extension we therefore need a society and if we wish to live within this society, the word teaming-up again appears and we have to accept certain confinements. Therefore it is plain to all to see that life is a huge compromise after all. It’s so galling!

The BUT I was talking about makes its splash here. We are on our best behavior most of the time; continuously adjusting to the pressures of people and circumstances. BUT the moment we enter the threshold of our homes, we find it difficult to make the same compromises in our marriages willingly with a singing heart. Why? It is very well and facile to live when we make short contacts and all go home at the end of the day to our own watering holes, alone in our comfort zones; with the option to keep or break a relationship if we wish to. In marriage we have to be with the same person day in and day out for ever and ever with no respite. Readjustments are in order.

It seems as if the partners are forever saying “Be reasonable, do it my way”. This when coupled with a tendency to overbear is a formula for disaster. At the back of the mind there is always the dormant thought that we can always part which is no help at all. I belong to the old school. No divorce for me; so a mutually acceptable path has to be found and if there are children from the marriage, no possibility of exit at all. Something was started and it has to be finished. We made our bed and now we need to lie in it. Do we have a right to hurt the person we brought home or run away from the responsibility of raising our children? I wish lawmakers would go back to the old ways and put it into an act soon. The effort that has now gone out of relationships would reappear and so much frustration and pain needlessly imposed by humans on themselves could be avoided.

There are even impossible demands when the partners are taken for granted. We need to wake up from this dream. The obvious solution is to adjust but we are not prepared to do so. Very good reasons are cited and all very tangible and real. Everything is taken into consideration except the fact that the first point of law is that the marriage has to be maintained at all costs as a garden of joy. It is our marriage and our life. Everything else pales into insignificance.

Discord is inevitable unless we are prepared to let go a bit and cross over into the other’s camp and live for the other person. This is said for both men and women and has to be a concerted effort. Personally I find this idea so wonderful. My life is no more a closed box. I let somebody in and a close partnership begins with of course an absolute interdependence. This is the beginning of happiness. I do lose a bit of the “I” but win the world. Putting up one’s feet is such a pleasure. We did marry for the small comforts of married life, did we not?

We live much harried lives. What we think, feel and speak are never the same things. We are hiding so much. There is an accepted perverse insincerity practised at all moments and at every level of our existence. In the outer world where every man is for himself and wolf eat wolf is the situation, there is much to be said for a bit of charade but not so in a marriage. Marriage has to be seen in the light of the common man’s yogic/spiritual journey.

It is, whatever you may argue, an evolutionary process in which both the parties as well as children grow into more matured beings. When you see it in this light, you have to allow the barriers to fall and sincerity has to pervade in the home. Thoughts, feelings and the spoken word will need to be in harmony at all times otherwise chaos and clashes will erupt. Lording over is absolutely out. Cleverness is a no-no. At least aim to reach this level. There will be stumbling blocks, yet wherever this spirit of candidness exists, there will be laughter and rarely any quarrels. The human spirit is a forgiving one. Whenever honesty seeps through, joy prevails.

The other factor which I have seen taking a heavy toll of the quiet life in marriages is the poor quality of communication. Poor language use, bad speech habits and worse, inadvertent habits like speaking from distances or changing the place of things and forgetting to tell. We are also plagued by the sense of right and wrong and get irritated in righteous indignation. This indignation turns easily into a scream like a cracker going off without restraint. Always forgetting that how we deal with the everyday world and how we need to deal in our marriage world are two different things. In marriage it is the team not the individual who matters. We forget it to our pain. Let’s never forget if the other party is grating on our nerves, then we are no angels. Have we ever tried to find out how we are grating on other people’s nerves?

We are constantly giving out wrong signals. Utter confusion prevails at the best of times. So first we need to begin by listening a bit more and not reacting to every word that one hears. Not only to words bit those intangible sighs as well and those inconsistencies in behaviour patterns. Consider that the other person may be thinking aloud or just uttering the wrong words because of other extraneous circumstances and so many other fears and complexes that run amok in our lives.

Just think it over for a while. Forgive and forget if you have been mildly wronged. Show your appreciation often and learn to remain silent in as many languages as you can. Along with this attitude, ask for favours and when the other person asks for them, do respond positively. We do make the mistake of asking for favours and wanting instant gratification but when the other person asks for something, we are always busy in our own world and cannot grant any. This will not do. Gratitude needs to be cultivated and practised a bit more, especially in small inconsequential things, which are really the ones which swell into tidal waves.

All that is needed is a little shift in our own orientation to our life and partner. Give and give and take some. Rather you will notice you will get without asking and much more than you could have asked for.

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

The operative word here is BELITTLE and SMALL PEOPLE. Following my trend of thought, I went to the next question – why do we feel the need to belittle anyone at all? This style of belittling others is a quaint little habit. You will notice it is a regular habit in some people. Their persona is wrapped around it. It is impossible to make a statement or ask these people anything and it becomes an opening for them to show their wit rather than answer the question in a down-to-earth way or give a plain unadorned answer. Every time they open their mouth some pearls of wisdom slip out which to me seem to be just witty sarcasm couched in the pronouncements of the-wiser-than thou.

The answer always carries 4 elements: 1) The actual answer, 2) the hidden emphasis on the stupidity of the question or statement, 3) the indication that the one making the answer/comment is from a higher realm of existence and 4) the invisible creation of a wall that you are never allowed to pierce. The beauty of the whole is that sometimes the comments and remarks come from total strangers who are not even privy to the exchange. In familiar gatherings, interrupting the conversations of others with witticisms of one own is often seen, but from strangers…? I find this a bit too much; especially when you are in public environment like the post office or a railway compartment. These people, who sometimes even go on to monopolize the conversation until they are forced to stop.

I have known some people for half my life time or more. They are part of the family or professional circle and cannot be totally ignored. Once in a while there is no avoiding them in a social way. Yet in all these years I have been unable to have a focused conversation of five lines with them. They never reply to the question directly. Even an innocuous question like “How is your health?” got me an answer like “Why, what is wrong with my health?” And this is the milder side of the coin. Quite often in the guise of a joke, they come down to downright ridicule; Ha, Ha, Ha. Why? What are they trying to prove? Or are they protecting themselves from exposure knowing fully well their own lack of depth and understanding?  They make it clear that we can be part of their entourage but never their equal.

All these write-ups that I pen, I wanted to put them into a collection and get them published in a book form for whatever they are worth. So I, requested a close friend of many years in the publishing line to see if he could find me an appropriate publisher. For two years I was given the royal lip service. Then one day I asked him point-blank if he would help or not. His answer came as advice that I should at least first read some other established writers and acquaint myself of how things should be written. Thereby clearly telling me what he thought of me. So I asked him if he had at least read any of my write-ups. The answer was NO. Well, I could not resist telling him off after that. He has been sulking all along since. So be it.

To me all this sounds very much like the childish behaviour of the immature snob who is inherently intelligent and successful in his field. It gets awfully bad when by some quirk of fate they have come into money. One has to then admit that in one’s own interest, not to spoil relations one allows them to get away with it. But the question is – what relations? They will never allow you to come that close anyway?

I for one have now decided enough is enough. I tick them off and enjoy seeing them sulk. If they can do without me so can I without them. Life is too short to worry of the consequences of falling into their bad books.

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Very recently I received a power point presentation called the peacock in the land of penguins. In the final paragraphs it clarifies how in life and in organizations, creative people are recruited because fresh talent and creativity is required to rejuvenate the organization but then once “in”, the new recruits are put under pressure to conform to the older and staid rules of thinking and behaviour. Alas; this is life! The Ford Motor Co is a fine example of this malaise. In an organization, at least, the recruit has an option to leave and look elsewhere and many do. The misfortune of life is that all the cards are stacked in favour of those at the top in any hierarchy, be it commercial or social. A candidate who changes his organization or activity too often will not be seen as a multi-tasker and talented, rather this would almost certainly be seen as a sign of inconsistent behaviour and even failure.

Most people think, work and live their life generally with the prejudices that they tend to pick up in their short lives. A good professional education gives them the wherewithal to make something of their lives. Most are really capable and in their chosen field do rise to the top but soon get stuck in their own success. It is happening with clockwork regularity with all of us. Look around and you will see people with promise and acumen who were success stories in their prime now are stuck in their typical groove; nothing wrong in this except the fact that they are now in a position of authority and so involved with themselves that their eyes and minds are closed to all inputs differing from their own standpoints. It can be difficult for their juniors because they are not only in a position to stifle their juniors they do so with gusto. Their influence extends even to people in their surroundings; you can only be an extension to their selves.

Once in a position of influence every individual regales in it. Bosses browbeat their juniors, teachers ask for silence, DMs (District Magistrates) order lathi charges, husbands batter their wives into submission and wives teach husbands a lesson or two through passive aggression. The question is why? I have seen this happen over and over again. Why do we first create a relationship and then go all out to break it?

It seems so silly to desire to be surrounded by fresh ideas, voices and talents but not give them any rope. Instead of making use of their creative abilities and being their mentors, elders become their tormentors more out to prove themselves in their elegant superiority. We are looking for a quiet audience; not partners or associates. In personal relationships, this scenario is played out in every marriage. It has always puzzled me no end why people who profess to need each other and love each other to the end of time soon start berating each other, see only their faults and the favourite phrase between them is often “shut up” and “leave me alone”.

Have you heard the wisecrack “Be reasonable, do it my way”? This seems to be the main theme of life. If only we could get away with it. In the last few months I have had the good luck to read about Pablo Picasso and see him in a movie too. From what I can gather, this man of prodigious talent, found material success in a big way and could cater to every whims of his. Yet like the last Nizam of Hyderabad, he was living in glorious loneliness. He was really a man of great capabilities and sadly nothing of it ever passed on; what a tragedy. There was no sharing. He spoke and you listened. He did his bidding. He entered into relationships with no intention to maintain any. Many women came in his life and out they went. As the women recount, he would suck the life out of them and give nothing in return. If only he had shared some of his spirit and let it live after him!

I have known closely another brilliant man. The first in his family to become a graduate in the 1940s, he was a capable artist, musician and very good with his hands and well-read too. He rose to an eminent position in the business world and was highly respected as a brilliant and creative manager. He was genuinely interested in life and learning was in his blood. This was when he was in his thirties and forties. He was so well ensconced in his life that he forgot to upgrade himself with time and forgot the art of listening. He never shared his experiences and wisdom. By the fifties his aura was diminishing and by the time it was time to retire he was a highly respected man in the organization but the upper management would keep him a little isolated by making him a master of project in which interaction was limited with the rest of the organization. His family was in awe of him for the most part of his life and afraid for the rest. Slowly he was being left alone as he would not let anyone speak in front of him. The only person who talked back at him was his wife and she never had much good to say. More often than not, when they were not bickering they were not on talking terms at all. He died a depressed man.

“Why quarrel?” was and is my question. Why not make the best of the relationship and enjoy the togetherness by listening and giving? But this seems to be the most difficult part of the bargain. Instead we throw out our ire on the closest and nearest and make our own lives miserable to boot.

I finally had to admit that I needed help in the office. So, I took on the mantle of Good Samaritan and gave the job to somebody in the family who would, I thought appreciate the offer. Appreciate she did and a little more than was warranted. I ended up having her help in ways and means that totally upset me.

The second day I came to work, my computer settings were changed and even the position of the mouse and board were rearranged. A wave of annoyance shot through me. But I went along and brought the settings back to my preferred original state and got down to work. But then this attitude began to show in every little thing. Something what my teacher used to call ‘mental interference’. Nothing would ever be done to my liking. There was always a little change in the way the job would be executed. Something more in the way she thought was more appropriate or better still with a smug assurance that I would certainly be pleased. Even my coffee would not be made as I wanted and this was really the last straw.

Finally I had to have a heart-to-heart talk with her and this is what I had to say: “Kate, please understand that I would like your assistance but you are going beyond the call of duty. You are doing my thinking for me. This is not appreciated at all. It amounts to imposing on me. I feel threatened and suffocated.

“You are welcome to ask questions and make suggestions but not to act in any way that would upset my stream of things. All the small acts that you think would do me good or would help me work better are not helping. It’s irritating beyond words. You have to let me live my life my way and let me work in my fashion even though it may seem inefficient or incorrect to your way of thinking. Then, do not forget that you are here to help me in pursuing my goals my way; not yours.”

The tendency to think for others is in all of us. It is a kind of arrogance that is terribly well couched. In the guise of a “doing good” we tend to give full play to our vanities. In the name of being kind, nice and helpful we permit our egos full liberty to interfere in the lives of others. This often goes to the point of tyranny; especially in delicate relationships like parent to child and teacher to student or boss to employee where the child or employee either does not know how to handle the situation or dare not talk back.

We only end up stifling the spirit of the other and being hated for it. Turn the camera lens to your own self. See if you are suffering from this malady too by any chance? Have you decided that you are quite the best example of human-hood and are judging, correcting and trying hard to put the world into a better shape? How did you ever come to this conclusion?

Just live your life the way you best can and let the world take care of itself. Give help only in the measure asked for and wait for the request to come. And lest you be taken advantage of, don’t be in a tearing hurry to run errands for others either.

How many of us are really prepared to go that extra mile to achieve this so-called goal, which ideally everyone is expected to be pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the desire form than in practice. Every goal has ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step necessitates a struggle or overcoming a shortcoming. One has to gauge correctly what is it that will make us go forward towards our goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and mentor are needed and they are extremely difficult to find or even recognize. Once the elements requiring correction en route are understood, a great effort is needed to retrain ourselves with new thought patterns and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated since the day we are born are deeply embedded in us and we have to literally fight against their hold on our everyday lives.

My personal perception is that most prefer to find a minimum sustenance program in life and stay within their comfort zones doing little to even accept the fact that it’s their own shortcomings that are keeping them back. Even when life gives us a knock or two and is kind enough to show us the way and the error of our ways, we find enough logic to rationalize and let the lesson slip into the comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.

Take a struggling lawyer. He has passed out recently and raring to go. What can he do to advance surely and speedily? Perhaps become a junior with an already established lawyer and under his umbrella make a mark for himself? To arrive even at this juncture would need a certain modicum of language ability and study of legal texts and some luck. If he has it and he is taken in, the beginning is made. Would he be content with this? His job would be to take orders and work his heart out, quite often giving him tired muscles and a bruised ego. A junior is but a junior. Will he bear with it because of the learning process he is going through and grow or will his vanity refuse to take this position so low in the pecking order and quit and move into a situation closer to his comfort zone? And what could this be? An independent status, struggling to exist but at least his own boss!

Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a natural and primary tendency.  This is at all levels; mental, emotional and physical. Laziness influenced by arguments from our ego wins over effort most often. Change means learning and changing habits and this requires a concerted and very conscious effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why disturb the status quo?

Take for instance the status of most marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other existence or a compromise where we learn to coexist for the comforts of a home? There are wives being battered but they continue to stay put. There are husbands being nagged to death but they continue to stay put. There are millions of people stuck in jobs and situations they hate but doing very little to take the next step that will take them to better their existence. How does one explain this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and continue within one’s existing known comfort zones.

Let’s look around us. How many people are bothered to improve their communication ability yet never failing to complain that nobody understan

My life began in Sri Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry. I was given a book by The Mother of the ashram when I was sixteen. I read it but the words and the word pictures didn‚Äôt convey much to me at that age. The words were understood but not their implication. One sentence however stood out: “Then you will see that the world is standing upside down.”

Of course I could see that every one was on their legs quite upright. Then what was She saying? That sentence has always been at the back of my mind. Gradually as life unfolded, I could see that people were lying left, right and centre, very often for no reason. I wondered if this was what Mother meant.

Then I realised that people were maintaining a facade. They wished to be seen as honest, hardworking, sincere, capable, etc., while in their hearts they were looking for shortcuts, were totally insincere and insecure about themselves as they knew well that the qualities they were expecting others to see in them were not there. They knew well that they were living a charade but simply did not have the guts to live otherwise. What an upside-down way to live!

My own experience of life is that we are most of the time playing chess within our lives for no reason. For example when I was 10 or so, some boys wanted to steal mangoes. In the very first try we got caught. I decided then and there that there was no value in this cat-and-mouse game. The next time I wanted a mango, I just went and asked the owner and he gave me one!

Similarly, I see people fibbing on the telephone. The cell phone has made this even more imperative. First I see that everyone wants to be connected but when they do get a call, specially from somebody they do not want to talk to, they play games such as saying they are in the traffic, or make funny noises and shut the phone off or just keep on saying hullo many times as if they are not getting any signal from the other party. I often wonder why people complicate their lives so much.

It makes me laugh when I see people running after the opposite sex with all the guile and means at their disposal; then considering themselves lucky to have gotten their prize only to realise later that it was no happy-ever-after deal at all. But they go through the motions of reiterating their love and getting married even though they are totally unhappy with their lot. There may be exceptions but this is more or less true.

The same can be seen in the jobs they hold. They are proud to be what they are or at least they make a show of it even though they know very well they are just a cog in a big wheel, totally replaceable. Look at the possessions they have, they collect and collect goods around them and soon tire of them or want something better but in company or even to themselves would be loath to admit that they are not entirely happy with their lot.

The hollowness of our lives shows very clearly in our collection of acquaintances and the friends we make. Life’s needs and social necessities force us to behave totally contrary to our nature. The show of camaraderie is faked and tiresome but we go along because we dare not otherwise.

If this is not living upside down, then what is? I guess that deep down we are never happy with all this waste of emotional energy and time in keeping up appearances.

Pradeep Maheshwari is a Delhi-based author, personal growth frainer and marketing consultant.

We have acquired some very self-defeating habits. I will take up two that I feel are the worst. One is the fact that our impatience is so acute that we do not think twice to butt in a conversation and the second is that we do so without ensuring that anyone is listening to us or not. First we disturb two people at conversation and this shows the downside of our manners and then we expect to be heard first which shows the extent of our self-preoccupation. Then the worst part is that the person addressed is unable to resist the call and responds, thereby adding to the melee.

Here you are standing in front of the judge, frightened of the consequences while your lawyer is trying to make a point and the judge starts listening to some other lawyer. How would you feel under the circumstances?

We can’t sit still for a moment. With our laptops and mobile phones in hand we just have to be up and doing something. The brain and nerves are stretched out in hundreds of directions at any given time. If everyone is going a mile a minute, then who is sitting still enough to bother to listen to me? It is no secret that quite often we discuss and argue a project or subject into such a confusion that all that remains to be done is bury it.

Communications have now become incessant and we are all expected to be at our listening posts at all times. So the antidote is to shut off the process!

I give an instance from my personal life. Transpose this small incident into other areas and you will understand the magnitude of the point being made.

Yesterday, as I sat watching TV, my wife was talking to me in her usual style which means she would start saying something out of the blue and expect me to take it all in. As I listened to her, my child was playing nearby. Just then, it seems, the maid brought me a hot cup of coffee and placed it on the table within the reach of the child while I was looking away.

The child, all of 20 months old, lovingly and helpfully picked it up and started putting it in my hands – all this while I was not even aware of the coffee. As it turned out, my waving arm hit the cup and the poor child dropped the coffee in my lap. I shrieked and the child bawled in consternation. I was left nursing a burn. And God forbid if the coffee had dropped on the child. Gosh, I am scared now even to think of it. I asked the maid why she left the cup within the child’s reach without informing me. She replied that she did tell me! But I was so engrossed in listening to my wife that I did not register what she said.

She knew well that I had not heard and yet she did not try to ensure that I was made aware of the hot cup at my elbow. She said in all honesty that the possibility of a mishap did not enter her mind. So that was that.

The solution? Simple. First attract the person’s attention, then, when certain, then alone speak to him/her directly with eyes meeting. And for good manners’ sake please wait for your turn.

Pradeep Maheshwari is a Delhi-based author, personal growth trainer and marketing consultant.

My empathic answer is NO. They can be used as assistants to you and as a support system but making them the de facto guardians and tutors of your children is a big NO. What do you want your children to imbibe; the habits and attitudes of your servants? Is this what you have foreseen for your child?

I see so many children in the park coming out to play with their servants continuously admonishing them, don’t run – you will fall, don’t do this and don’t do that – you will get hurt. As by shouting from far they have done their duty. What kind of upbringing is this?

When nothing works they use threats which they cannot ever carry out. The children are no fools. They soon learn to manipulate their attendants. What are we tuning them up for? Surreptitiously we are helping them imbibe attitudes that will hurt them in the long run.

Do you want the child to grow or remain a stunted little dwarf, big in body but small in mind? Do you want to see your child turn into a thinking, self-confident, courageous and intelligent child or a scared, cunning and lying imp?

In many cases the servants who all have mobile phones are so busy on it that they have no idea what mischief the child is up to. Isn’t that an open invitation to trouble?

Anger should be understood as a management tool. Humans are still in a state of insincerity. They are very happy with their cleverness. The only time they get shaken up is when they realize that their little world might come tumbling down around them. Fear is the key. A show of anger from a person who has the power to make or mar someone’s career is a potent motivator. So, one must learn to use it wisely. Use your intelligence to lose your temper under control. Note the time and need. Then alone let go and that too in short bursts so that the damage is minimal. Show of controlled and disciplined anger is a useful tool if you don’t get carried away by it yourself. This is where the risk is: one may be carried away into frenzy.

Life is designed to test you. See how children will test the waters around them and make their parents see red. They are growing and need to know how far they can go in life. This attitude is everywhere.
A driver trying to cut you off or an employee coming late are basically the children in us trying to gauge how far they can let their own selfishness carry on. It is another matter that eventually when the repercussions of their acts come back to haunt them, they may crib and moan. This is life.

A mature, intellectually aware person rarely shows anger. He sees through the machinations and he never jumps to premature conclusions which are normally triggers for unbridled anger build-ups. When the world has been understood and the elemental forces at work have been recognized, it is easy to distance oneself from the imbroglios created by vanity and stupidity. This is the real cure. If one wants to control anger, one simply needs to rise intellectually and emotionally above the mundane. Like a modern airliner that simply flies over the storm clouds to avoid a storm. We can’t avoid the mud but we can save our feet from it by wearing a shoe.

We certainly need to reduce the irritants around us. We first need to ignore them as tantrums of children when there is no harm done. But if it goes beyond that, a little show of anger will help and that is good.

Pradeep Maheshwari is an author, teacher of French, personal development trainer and marketing consultant.

I have noticed this in myself when I am driving. The need to focus on whatever others are doing is so strong to avoid collisions because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if there is space one has to go in and fill it up or worse if you have a bigger car, your self-importance gives you the right to go ahead first. This creates a situation where you have to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror and the other three eyes on the left, front and right. Of course there is also this continuous analysis that is humming inside the brain. And every now and then, the perceived stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in expletives.

So coming back to our original premise, we need to consider the why and why-nots of the situation. The question is why some people speak their part only in anger; and this is not just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose of indignation. Indignation presupposes that the person has been wronged and has been made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of the other guy. This also presupposes that some sort of judgment has already been passed. So, I can safely say that the person speaking out in hot flashes is not being pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to both sides of the story and feels so strongly that he has been wronged that there is no space for discussions in the situation. The situation is exacerbated by the person’s need to not only prove his point but also teach the other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be drilled into his head. This I suppose is what they call road rage when it happens on the highway.

How we tend to work ourselves very often into a lather for nothing is beautifully illustrated by a story I read many years ago. It was titled “Want to borrow a jack?”

A motorist had a puncture somewhere out of town and was appalled to discover that there was no jack in his car. Now at the unearthly hour of 4 in the early morning where would he find the assistance needed and that too in the middle of the country side. Let’s not forget that this story comes from a time when cell phones were not invented. So although his head was brimming with anger against all the people who could have done this to him, he was cool-headed enough to look around. In the distance he noticed a light and decided to walk towards it. Soon it became obvious that he was approaching a farmhouse. This got him thinking. “What if the farmer does not open the door? He must surely be sleeping and will be upset at being disturbed at this hour of the night. But my need leaves me with no option but to knock at his door so to hell with the farmer. The farmer can always say no and that will be that and people are so unhelpful anyway nowadays, etc.”  By the time he reached the farmer’s door he had already worked out his case against the disturbance he was going to cause. If only the poor city-slicker had any idea that farmers get up rather early and are generally the most helpful kind of people on earth as they are deeply in tune with nature’s vagaries. Anyway this motorist knocks on the farmer’s door and the farmer opens the door. But before anything could be said the motorist blurts out: “Now are you going to give me the jack or not?”

Why are we in such a hurry to prejudge? Why do we feel superior enough to be judgmental with so much righteousness? The other day I was back in my old school which is an ashram where the morning hours are for meditation and no other activity is encouraged especially in the meditation area and near it. I was sitting there; it was six in the morning. Just then an old lady comes, sees the latest newspaper daily around nearby, left by another ashramite and asks me to tell her the cricket score. So I pick up the paper and open it. After all if the old lady is more interested in cricket scores and meditation is not her forte, who am I to judge? But before I could do my good karma, an old teacher of mine passes by and immediately scolds me for reading the paper in the meditation area! Boy, I was so amused. It was so much like my childhood when I was being scolded for something or the other, never heard nor given a chance to explain. I left immediately and went to the sea beach nearby to cleanse myself of the indignation that this teacher had injected in my atmosphere.

When people burst out in an immature manner after living on this earth for so long, I do wonder if they have learnt anything at all. Why can’t they, even if they have been apparently wronged, keep their cool and state their case without anger?
Our courts would not be so filled with cases and divorces would diminish in numbers if they did so. Everyday skirmishes would turn into studious discussions.

I am reminded of this saying by Isaac Asimov –“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” And I will leave it here for you to judge!

Pradeep Maheshwari is a Delhi-based author, personal growth frainer and marketing consultant.

Do you know anyone who fits this description? Their opinions are final even if their arguments are full of holes. No one can dare oppose them or even try to put in a word edgewise.

They feel justified that the control of every moment of our lives should not only be in their hands but that their say must prevail in every matter. The result is we have Control Freaks. Look at life from any angle; they are everywhere. Give them a position of authority and they immediately take on a monstrous image. As parents, superiors and drivers the worst in them appears easily.

The rage levels in our midst are rising every day. This mindset of being so obviously superior and better, stuffed with self-importance is behind this rising phenomenon. New words like flight rage and shopper’s rage are making their entry into our lexicon because these are newly emerging tendencies for which our language was not equipped earlier. This goes to prove that these tendencies are all around us now. The other day I went into a shop looking for a new mobile phone. The owner is known to me but that day his son happened to be at the counter. The moment he saw me coming in he became busy with a drawer of his. Nevertheless I did mange to get to him by asking if he had new phones. He never looked up and simply replied “No” and continued to rummage in his drawer. I left without seeing his face. I suppose I am too old, out of date, economy minded and not really his kind of client. A wave of anger did rise but I controlled it.

The unfortunate part of this is that it is becoming part of the personae of capable and well-meaning people too. They judge themselves on the basis of some activity in which they are really better than many but they start assuming they are the best on all counts. So their self assessment is terribly slanted; they see themselves as superiors standing out from the lesser beings around them. Unfortunately, these people become awfully arrogant and intolerant and fly into rages just about everything and anything. They demand respect as a right. I saw this advertisement for a car in which the catch phrase is “demand respect”. So I must be right; even the publicity managers have caught on to this weakness in us.

These grand guys see others as totally incapable nincompoops and in their anger there is an element of disgust at the incompetent lowly oafs they have to live with. They are as far as I can see always at boiling point and when they interact, this view that they have of others is fully evident in their responses and reactions. They never correct, explain, advise or ask questions but berate and criticize. Their comments are scathing and designed to hurt like they would crush an insect under their feet for defiling their space. Every expression of theirs indicates their frustrations and saintly forbearance for their loutish brethrens and their own strength in comparison in tolerating it all.

Well they are what they are and what we need to bother about is how to deal with them. Arguing with them or trying to make them see our point of view will only enrage them more and it is well nigh impossible, not unlike trying to pass through a stone wall. They would see this act as insubordination or at least a case of pure and simple arguing back for argument’s sake. But then we can’t keep totally silent either. So a little manipulation is called for and for this we need to learn a bit of applied psychology. The first thing is to stay calm and not react. This takes out the wind from their sails. The second thing of importance is to go along but with an aim to divert them. This is not so easy but it can be done; it is done by primarily avoiding frontal tactics. For instance a boss I know gives very difficult-to-put-into-action orders far removed from ground realities and he refuses to listen to the field staff. His employees say “Yes, Sir” and go out to do it. This is their break of sorts and when they come back they put alternative suggestions logically and well-meaningly and this works.

Control freaks are always in a hurry and in their hurry end up destroying quite a lot of things around them that they themselves have built up. The trick is to let them rant but keep the control of the final action and pacing in one’s own hands. As long as these freaks are not contradicted, all is fine. It might even be a good idea to let them apparently interfere. Ask them for something. This will keep their egos quiet. Don’t get intimidated – just go about as if nothing troublesome is happening.

We have to be kind to them. They need to be humoured but if abuse creeps in, the only solution is separation. Sometimes it is not worth wasting ourselves out on these freaks as they may drain us out. No relationship is worth that!

Pradeep is an author, personal growth trainer and marketing consultant.

So we are sensitized to take a look back; yes look back at ourselves. I realty am highly appreciative of the great job this brain-washing has done; something all the other sermons could not make the lethargic, lazy and reluctant individual do. Every culture and faith has festivals with the same ethos but Christmas cheer’s reverberations are unique. Even a nasty guy like me feels like being kind for a change.

So I am looking back. And I am unhappy. My heart is heavy for all the regrets it carries.  With passing years I have slowly and with certainty realized the uselessness of being virtuous. All those times when I had the opportunity but decided to be the gentleman. Do you think I am remembered for those acts; yes I am but as a lacl-lustre guy without charm or spine. And this is what I am regretting about. All the things I should have done and did not do. Not that I had the opportunity always anyway!

Our great poet Ghalib put it so well when he said
“Oh, Lord, it is not the sins that I have committed that I regret, but those which I have had no opportunity to commit.”

Yet, when I look back, I notice I have gradually slipped out of my stuffed shirt and the nice guy image I have been trying to impart. I don’t think I fooled anyone though. But this year I danced in the rain with my daughter and rolled in the dirt. I told all ladies who would listen to me that they were pretty and charming without meaning any of it. I spent time looking up other people. With some I unburdened myself by telling them what I thought of them so ambiguities did not remain between us; may the Lord forgive me for this break of the Ten Commandments. It was fun and I have really no regrets. I resolve to continue in my wayward ways.

I have only one aim now: to die without any regrets hanging over my spirit. I have absolutely no wish to remain down here as a disturbed unsresolved ghost hankering over unfinished business.

I have what can be called by ordinary world’s standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when people are planning retirements and wish for quiet and I went and had a child who is now three and a half years old. So I have a bouncing child on my hands. My job is to be with her all day and play with her and feed and clothe and look after her every other need. It is a full time, 24-hour job. I wonder if people around me can see the effort I have put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes and has completely annihilated my sleeping and every other schedule. But I have enjoyed every minute of the last three and a half years. I suppose there have been annoying moments when I lost my cool because my needs were pitted against that of the little imp and there is no discussing the matter with her. But her smile and embrace and joy at seeing me override everything.

So you get the picture? Now let me give you another one or two.

Picture one: I am out playing with my child in the neighborhood park. These are chilly winter days so many of the citizens are also present, sunning themselves. Here is a friend who sees us and the conversation goes like this.

Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?

ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be obvious but then we tend to clarify so often the obvious.)

Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to play. (Again another obvious fact; don’t I know it! I don’t believe in servants raising up children. My philosophy is simple: either you should not go and have a child or go the whole hog and raise the child yourself properly.)

ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is trying to make conversation but I have nothing to say really.)

Friend: This is good you know. At least it keeps you engaged and occupied. (Now this bugs me. He has retired. He has no interests, no work to worry about and of course he sees the world through these conditioned lenses in his eyes and assumes that at my age I would be in the same boat. What he does not see is that I love my child and love being with her. It is the only joy I have known. Going out to play is not a chore but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all know that I have multiple interests and that with my small business and hobbies I am actually hard pressed for time and the energy to carry my objectives through. Yet I have been hearing the same comments very often from many many people over the past three years.)

ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say but to smile and move on)

Picture two: The other day one of my elder sister passed by and she is a “somebody”. She has a doctorate and has been a lecturer etc. She really takes herself rather seriously. We meet rarely. This time we met after four years. The truth is she did not come to see me; she thinks I am a wastrel. She had come to see my mother. But I had to keep the formalities alive so I came out for a moment from my cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the conversation unrolled:

Sister: So how are you and how do you keep yourself busy? (I know the question does not need an answer and even if I did there would a negative analysis following it. So I keep my cool.)

ME: Fine. I now have a full time job. (I try to keep my tone jocular and hope the conversation would end there. But no; these elderly sisters have always something more to say.)

Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind engaged. (The trigger has been pressed and I am annoyed but then I decide to play cool.)

ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?

Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.

ME: Ha ,Ha.

What I wish to know is this need of everybody to explain everything to me. All I have to do is make a statement and the person will start analyzing my motives and reasons and let me know so. It could be that they themselves are thinking aloud but it is definitely annoying and conversation stopper to my way of thinking.

Do you have anything to say?

–
PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

It is another thing that the document may be trashed in the very first week of the year. Then why do we make these resolutions? Are we basically insincere?

Well, no. There is nothing insincere about it. Look at it with a little compassion and understanding. This is the only time of the year that I get the opportunity to take my friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big margins of freedom from daily self-control. This is the time for fun and one takes what one can. And if to impress her I have to announce some resolutions, why not? Who would be coming to check on me anyway?

Talking about insincerity, I must really take offense. How can you talk to me like this? I am a responsible person. I take my job, family and other responsibilities seriously. It is just this little habit of smoking that I find difficult to quit. What with all the stress all these people create around me. My bosses are screaming for things to be done yesterday and the whole office is under the impression that I am slacker. When I reach home the litany of woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I understand that taking care of all the household chores and the three kids can fray the nerves of my wife but then what can I do? I bring in the moolah and go through the squeezer without complaining so why is she nagging? The whole problem in this life is the lack of understanding I have to tolerate from all these selfish people. Oh, how I wish there was a way around all this! I did spend three nights at the hospital with our son, did I not? Does that not count for anything?

Well in my home I am the boss, is it not? So after weathering the storm outside, if I take on a smoke or even a small drink, am I out of line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss won’t understand the problems I have with my juniors. I did not employ them or choose them but I have to get work out of them. I shout and push but these people are so mule-headed. God; life is unfair.

Okay. This is the last day of the year and a good farewell party to the year has been organized at the office. After all it is considered auspicious to ring in the new year on a happy note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey being pushed under my nose, but then this is just once a year and one should not be a stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?

Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my smoking, drinking even the occasional type, keep a more reasonable attitude towards my colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my temper and instead of pushing people around I will try to cajole them. I will definitely get into the meditation circle in the office and try to see things from a calmer perspective. Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym too. If only these idiot drivers would stop honking and try to overtake me at every bend I could think things over more deeply! God, this cellphone…am I never to know peace from this infernal instrument?

And then; why ask me to change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

In the past few days I have been socializing within my old group of family and friends more than is normal for me. Suddenly it hit me like a bomb. Everyone was talking about the wrongs of this world and they have a lot to say too. But nothing in their conversation indicated or gave any hint that they were doing something about it or looking for solutions. Rather there was a concrete feeling that they were all making small talk and their grievances made for as good a subject as any. It had the added advantage to let the world at large know how burdened their lives were and how well they were taking it or/and managing within the tedious circumstances.

Of course there was an underlying pattern of vanity even in this as they were all vying to prove to each other that their troubles were greater than those of the rest of us.

The bomb that hit me was the realization that it was all absolutely superficial and more in the nature of keeping the conversation ball rolling. Of course as we lead rather mediocre and humdrum lives, we have much to complain about. Our own intention to go deep into the matter and look for a solution is never evident; rather I would say totally absent. If at all we are looking forward into the future it is always with this hope that the world will change enough to accommodate us and all our woes will go away one fine morning.

The effort is to keep ourselves busy with the inane and avoid real contemplation. Hours are spent in discussions. Each and every aspect is dissected from every angle in great detail. The sentences are pregnant with cares. Along with every issue raised there is an accompanying sentence that rationalizes the happenings so wonderfully that no avenue is left to really put in the effort to do something about it.  We look for answers but only those that satisfy our own view or desire will find favour with us. This is hypocrisy in action.

I remember being deeply influenced by this quote when I was younger: “People who want by the yard and work for it by the inch should be kicked by the foot.” I was just coming out of my teens and the insincerity and the gap between what people would say and would do was so great that it brought out all my impatience and I would say so and like any angry young man, I was vehement about it. If only the energy they put in all this drama was put in improving their lots, what colossal changes could be given birth to. Like all young people I was impatient to cure and change and did not take kindly to the evasive tactics I met. Now I understand better and am more tolerant but it still amuses me to see how we fool ourselves into believing that this type of cosmetic rationalizing will sweep the “immediate” under the carpet and we will live another day; who knows what miracles are waiting for us the next morrow. Everyone sees through the charade and I must give kudos to the optimist in us. Nobody is taken in by these rationalizations, least of all they themselves but they do keep up appearances and this is where the crunch lies: the social necessities are taken care of and we survive to live another day.

What I am repeatedly calling “rationalizations” are in reality excuses that we pluck from our fount of knowledge. There is so much ancient text, accepted customs and scientific principles to choose from. What ever the subject may be, there is always some commonly accepted rule or principle that will satisfy both the pros and cons of the issue. This comes in handy to find a good reason to act upon what our heart desires or not, as the case may be. To illustrate my point, I would like to bring forth our use of the words karma, fate and destiny. Excuses like “I am suffering because of my karmas in my past lives”; “Things will happen only if it is written in my destiny” are heard every day. Every suicide is preceded by the logic “There is no other way”. Remember the disparaging comments of wise people in the 19thcentury for people who were experimenting with flying machines: “If God had wanted man to fly, He would have given him wings”.

History and everyday occurrences prove without doubt that the world is moving on because there are people who do not take “NO” for an answer and do not understand the science of making excuses. Yet we refuse to grow up and take our lives in our hands in a more determined manner. It is so much easier to find reasons to do what is convenient to us! I used to eat in a restaurant when I was a bachelor. For twenty years a nice man served me there. The 18 hours a day job was taking a huge toll of his health. I was so impressed with him that I asked him to learn driving so that he could be taken in as a cook-cum-driver in a household with better pay and living conditions. But he never found the time. Then one day the restaurant just folded up. The poor man was out on the street and survival became the priority.

I quote here two paragraphs from an article written by Carol Allen:

Any therapist – heck, any five year old – will tell you that change is hard. We get snuggled up in our mediocre comfort zones and that’s where we stay until we’re so fat, miserable, broke, sick or ‚Äì fill in the blanks – that we do something different.

Positive change requires some critical pre-steps.¬† First:¬† you have to know what you want. Amazingly, studies show that only one person out of one hundred knows what they want.¬† Second: You have to know WHY you want it, and your WHY has to be so compelling and inspiring that every setback and challenge along the way won’t stop you.

Would you have the courage to look at yourself? Or would rather maintain the status quo and let things be?

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Whatever for? There is nothing wrong in owning a phone and having it alongside for emergencies but to have one alive and in use when one goes to school or college; isn’t it rather self defeating? I mean, you are at school to study and learn new things. How can you do that when you head is busy SMSing or listening to music of today which is just RAP anyway? Do you need to have a doctorate in psychology to understand that if you your mind is not focusing on the lectures or subjects being taught you will retain nothing? Then why go to school at all?

The school authorities have woken up to this stupidity only now and their knee jerk reaction is to ban the mobile. This is another extreme decision. All they need to do is ask the children to shut the unit off when in school premises. The kids may need or want to use it later when they go out of school. It is a tool of communication and emergencies do not come announced.

My personal opinion on mobiles is that it has just given yakking a new dimension. Nobody feels any need to organize their lives or memorize anything or think anything out. They just push the buttons and disturb anybody at any time as and when they feel it is convenient to them.

Do you have a solution (to change in a systematic manner) for tackling with and surviving husbands who bully and shout at wives at the drop of a hat? They just look for mistakes only all the time and never miss an opportunity to shout and insult. This way the dignity of the wife is not respected. I know this man comes from a house where his mother, even at the age of 70, gets shouted at all the time by his father. He has been raised this way. They think this is manly behavior. At time he is raises his hand and causes physical hurt in various ways. One is left with no choice than to complain with police but most of the times I’ve noticed in most cases even the police don’t take it seriously as these men are connected.

Is there a possibility of bringing some sense to these relationships? Even if the wife doesn’t react these guys become irritated and go on using abusive word and provoke intentionally. I agree with you as I too know for sure that (your words)”I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves.”

But I am talking about cases where even without the fault of others they misuse their positions.

Looking for guidance.

PK”s reply:

From a level-headed general view, your question would be replied like this:

What you describe is a fait accompli. The cast has solidified and change is not possible. Some cosmetic changes maybe possible if the husbands cooperate but the basic nature of the men is strongly embedded with certain habits and will not change. Any efforts at change will only produce very opposite reactions and contradictory results.

The husbands have evolved into what they are and who will show them the error of their ways and how?

They have willing women who stick to them nevertheless. Why should they change? They are quite happy as they are. Humans normally do not think or want to bring in change in themselves after their personalities have formed. After the age of 21 or so it is more a question of proving themselves and they will put all their effort in it – never in change.

Societal pressure can bring in some restraint but most societies are too lazy to enforce anything. Nobody wants get embroiled in other’s problems. Specially if it concerns the authority of men then of course all men collectively will support their dominance.

Human nature is such that it will justify itself and try to prove that the fault is always of the other guy – in this case of the women. Who will contradict them or get into an argument to prove them wrong or whatever?

The police always treat it as an internal family matter. For frankly, they cannot really do anything except lock up the men on charges of battery and assault – if the women bring in this charge and there is physical, medically proven hurt to show which will stand up in court. Battering women is manly sport and the mindset of the police in India is no different.

What are the women doing? Do they realize they are tacitly approving the behavior of their men? Sure, the question does come up if they have any options in life open to them to take any kind of action; we have to understand their fear of losing the roof over their heads and finding themselves abandoned in the wild of the streets.

I have always felt that most people are where they are because they have sort of agreed to their state. Otherwise they would do something about it. Unless they crave for a change and make the first moves, nothing can be done.

Now what can we do for these women? Do the women have any ideas?

The only medicine these men will understand is force bruter than their own. Is this an advisable route? Where and how to generate this force? Fear is the key here. If we can instill fear in them of severe repercussions, we might open a window into their personas that would force them to act otherwise.

Oh How I wish I could take a few bouncers with me and give them a good dunking and put some fear of god into them.

Then please also see the other side of the picture. Women are no angels. Relationships normally begin on a rosy note. They deteriorate later because women do not realize that the man who is initially totally under her spell will one day wake up. By then women tend to pick up habits or patterns of behavior of their own within the relationship. They start expecting too much. Later when the attraction of their charms has waned, their habits like sulking, pouting and not paying attention to anything but their own wants & wishes can be severe irritants.

When arguments result, which is unavoidable, both take rigid stands as if their positions are inviolate. Resentments start to get entrenched in their respective memories. From this point on, the relationship becomes antagonistic. Feelings of revenge pervades. The self-destruct button has been pressed.

Counseling should come in at this stage. Fear of God and kindness of dispositions & other considerations can do a lot to save the situation.  But where these are missing, selfishness and arrogance will have their full play and only the worst can be imagined.

Why do we shout when we are angry?

I received this question in the mail; and this little story. The story is beautiful and does explain poetically many things but I felt that the question needs to be studied a little more closely and objectively.

First the story:

A saint asked his disciples, ‘Why do we shout in anger?
Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
‘But, why shout when the other person is just next to you?’

Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’
Finally he explained, ‘When two people are angry at each other, their
hearts get distanced.
To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other.
The angrier they are, the louder they will have to shout to hear each
other through that great distance.’
Have you noticed two people in love?
Because their hearts are very close to each other they talk softly. They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in
their love. Deep love does not even need whispering.

I was pondering over this question yesterday. A small visit into my own self made me realize something.

We shout mainly to hit hard. It is a physical action. The need to hurt the other guy is strong. It is only thoughts of our self preservation that keep us in control. Quite often even this control line is also crossed. People with low mental discipline cross this line with greater speed and ease. Their egos are easily bruised and they have very little to lose as they have very little to live for. It is best to keep a distance from these people as they will let fists fly at the smallest excuse.

I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves. Their indignation is a wonderful act of contrived acting. When we are nitpicking and focusing on faults of others, anger comes easily and with justification. Vaingloriously and righteously we march forward to correct, change and educate this uncouth world.

It is so exhilarating to let one-self go when we see we have the upper hand in a particular argument; especially if the recipient of the anger is not in a position to fight back. In contrast you should see the softness of attitude exuded by Beings who have Compassion and benevolence as the foundation of their persona.

I have observed anger suddenly popping up from somewhere deep inside me. More often by the helplessness I feel. The galling fact of having to accommodate and tolerate gives rise to most bombs of anger.

Mostly anger is the only method available to show how deeply we have been wronged. Verbal abuse is the natural culmination of this aspect. When our intellect or position in society has been attacked we have to let fly. But we cannot go beyond certain limits as we live, although I say it erroneously, in polite society. We want to follow rules of decent and logical behavior which the other person is not prepared to; he may be crossing the line rather more than just subtly by infringing on our rightful space. The legal system cannot always be counted on to provide relief. Our seething is also a show of our helplessness. Living with louts is such a pain.

But then the next question is why and about what is all this anger. Is it worth it? Can’t we live without it? I have understood that with wisdom the need or putting it another way, the irritants become less and less. When we see the continuity of life and the state of the Creation, a little introspection and a visit into our subconscious will show that we are acting and reacting more by certain habits than a real need to be angry. We have been conditioned that way and we are only carrying forward some patterns received from the human chain.

I have often observed irritation precedes a full show of anger in me. And if there is no backlash, it grows in intensity as it is poured out. Often when my little one is “NOT LISTENING”, I am able to restrain myself saying she is but a child but the other side of logic says that she has to be corrected and shown the error of her ways. (I suppose we feel this way towards the whole world). But now she is telling me back that if I do not “listen” to her she will get angry at me. She is reflecting my own behavior. We want her to listen to us and she wants us to listen to her. It is an impasse. So what is the right way to tackle this situation?

We can break this pattern by dint of effort to rationalize and teach ourselves new tricks. Subconscious patterns can over-power us before our will power and reason has a chance to kick-in. So this process needs time and continuous vigilance. The effects of our effort will start showing when we become less serious about the vagaries and stupidities of life and see the whole as a bit of a comedy.

As a parting shot I may add that it has been noticed that men tend to give physical form to their anger while women stick to more verbal methods.

Today I can emphatically say that I am angry. What is gone wrong with adults? The insensitivity shown towards my child or for that matter other children simply makes me want to strangle them; don’t be fooled my exterior that is smiling benevolently. What has got my blood boiling you ask?

The thing is that most evenings, my daughter wants to go to my wife’s office to pick her up. As this happens to be after work hours of the bank, my child loves to play around in the open spaces of the bank with no one around to stop her while my wife finishes her day’s quota of work and closes down for the day. All this is fine but take for instance yesterday. On the way in, first we meet the guard who keeps the doors locked and permits only known people to enter. He greets her with a big smile but these words – “Hullo. Who do you want to meet? Your mother? But your mother is not there; the bank is closed.”

You can see the excitement that was shining on the face of the child disappear and concern wash over. I am angry but say nothing. Will it serve any purpose to teach the gentleman that this is not a good way to greet the child by scaring him/her? Where is the fun in this greeting?

Do we as adults greet other by saying things like – Hullo you know your wife just left with another man/ or Did you know your father just locked you out of the house and went away? . We do not think this proper, do we? Then why do we feel this is amusing when we deal with the child who is supposed to be learning from us through our behavior?

Let’s get back to our story. Then we enter the bank and there another lady colleague is encountered and all she has to say is – “Hullo, baby, where are you going? Your mother is not there!  My poor child is now upset and looking at me. I wink at her and keep my mouth closed although I am seething inside. I quietly pull her away and we walk on and enter the big hall where my wife has her desk but she is not at in her chair. Her colleague who is sitting nearby and well known to the child says to my daughter: “Oh you have come for your mother? But she is not there.” My child is now really more than upset. Thank God that she does not so easily trust anybody. She holds my hand tight in concern. I tell her that mummy has gone to the toilet and she will be here soon. This time I show my displeasure but only in my eyes as I make it clear that I am not happy at seeing him. But did he get the message or just thought of me as uncouth.

The worst is yet to come. Some new recruits were around. My daughter had just painted a wooden house and was eager to show her handiwork, which she does to her mother. The new recruit, a young lady of some merit, asks my daughter who made it. And of course she says, I made it. With her limited vocabulary to her “make” “paint” all are the same. The young lady shows her adultness by remarking “No you did not make it. You are lying”. A straight accusation without a second thought. I dare to do the same with another adult. I was livid with disgust.

Had it not been in the bank, and out of consideration for my wife, I would have lashed out at these so called wise and intelligent adults of the human race. What’s with these adults? Is this all they know about talking to children? Is this their idea of a joke(sic)? Are these the people who are setting shining examples for the next generation? God save this human race!

“Sorry for the misunderstandings.  Yes, I try to be a good listener and helpful friend, but because of some things that happened lately in my private life I am also temporarily a bit sensitive.  I was afraid that there is a hidden message in what you said because actually I have a bad conscious because I thought I neglected you”

This is a word for word message from somebody I wrote a general letter asking how things are and giving her the gossip from my side. The aim being to renew contact; the response took me aback completely. “HIDDEN MESSAGES”? What in the name of heaven for?

But this was also a pointer to how we complicate our lives by assigning meanings to things by letting our imaginations roam and fly of the handle. How we interpret situations with angles that are not there. What could be the reason behind it?

One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because I have used it as a gambit in the game of life. Others there may be but would not be so clearly obvious. It is that we want  the other guy to say something specific and as we can’t put words in his mouth we  gaud him to come out with it by purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We use the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings style. The ploy is to show that we have misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why not) directly. In his defense and to keep the goodwill alive the other person then is sort of obligated to say something nice and reconciliatory which is more in line to what we want to hear. We may then continue the playacting by making a show of sulk so that the poor other guy, to keep the relationship alive elaborates further by saying even nicer things in his defense.

For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to say……..” to start an accusation works very well. After this sentence is in the air, the respondent has no other recourse but to go on the defensive and explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot of people have perfected this as an art. In many I have noticed this has become part of their persona. Don’t’ fall for it. You should respond by smiling coolly and changing the subject. Or if something has to be said, say something like” Oh come on! Don’t be an ass!!” and laugh it off. If you are not good at acting etc then stick to the straight and narrow and give him the explanation but remember you’ve been had.

This is something like using reverse psychology. For example I give here an imaginative example: HE- Will you come to the tailor with me; I have to try my new suit? YOU – I wish I could but I hover already promised my wife to go out with her to the market. HE – So you don’t care what happens too my expensive investment in this suit?

Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil and tragedies we humans create by being ambiguous; sometimes just for the cleverness of it. If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If we make it a habit which others will soon recognize, we would soon avoid so many unpleasant situations.

True, we may lose many acquaintances who waste our time and opportunities that would have perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but we may also be more contended and I think it is all worth it. True friends never go away; rather they relish the candid truth.

Clarity of expression is avoided only where heightened egos are at play. And when these are around, peace and happiness or great achievements never take place.  Although I have to admit in the need for tact in life threatening situations it is better to lie and play the game then get into an ugly situation for nothing.

But whatever one may say I would rather do without all this complicated stress with a dagger pointing at me, calculating at all times what is to be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice in your words or attitude; unfortunately this is the stuff of saints and most humans would only scoff at me.

Everyone is talking of Happiness. Let me talk about unhappiness. Why are we unhappy? In other terms this question reflects our inner being’s query of which way to happiness. If we can find a way to cut out unhappiness, then surely happiness would result? We need to delve a little deeper.

Do you ever feel the Universe? Are aware of its flow? Have you ever been lonely and in that state of self-pity which is also a state of questioning, wondered where all of this was moving to? Life comes and goes. The rivers flow on and on. The plants grow and grow.

Something is moving towards something; in spite of our inability to see the bigger picture.

In contrast see how we pattern our lives. The very first mistake is that we do all to stop the flow. First we cut ourselves from the “everflowing” that is happening all around us. Then we purposefully train ourselves to acquire and accumulate. This becomes our wealth. Then we put all our energies in saving it from grabbers and are mostly worried sick. Then when all this activity has provided us with all our wealth, it is often time to move on which we fight against tooth and nail. Is this the way to happiness?

The saying “Live happily ever after” is a joke played by humanity on itself. First there is no ever after. It is all in the now. The present now creates the future now; and our miserable existence rebirths itself everyday. So perhaps it is time to sit by the river and growing trees and re-ponder over the question and rework our priorities. Let’s ask ourselves the ultimate question “Quo Vadis?” – wither goest thou? Life is not there to accumulate things; that is conclusively clear. Then what is it? But then who am I to be professing so much? Let me speak from the greater personalities who have seen the error of our ways and have shown the way to be followed. I have learnt that having too much is in-prisoning and we must learn to live with less and let the rest move on. And the knowledge acquired has to be put into practice or it stales, locked up in the head.

• In the pursuit of learning, everyday something is acquired. In the pursuit of Tao, everyday something is given away. – Lao Tzu
• Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do. – Goethe
• Remember people or for that matter the universe, remember you for your actions abd not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold but then so does a hard-boiled egg. – unkown
• Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. Napoleon Bonaparte
• Never mistake motion for action. – E Hemingway
• Do not struggle. Go with the flow of things and you willyourself at one with the mysterious unity of the universe. – Chuang Tzu

From the above it is clear. That everything comes to us and that the universe is taking care of things if we shall let it; if only we can grow out of our narrow-minded agendas but everything also needs to be later passed on. Or will get passed on nilly-willy.

So perhaps to not be unhappy we just need to learn to flow rather than grow too many rigid roots and not stick on to what we really do not need?

The Art of Shirking

Mostly people are brought up to be up and doing; you do, you get. In this environment where everyone is up and about it requires a specific state of mind to flow against the river. I used to be one of those who would take a request personally. Later I often found all my efforts going down the drain because the other person had changed his mind or requirements. It is then I decided to act on anything only when asked three times.

People will ask you a service if you are available. So the first step towards freedom is to not make your-self available. There are a few ground rules for this.

If you have been tuned to act and be of service then you will have to retune yourself. Learn to keep at the back of your mind this thought: what will others say; what will they think of me; is it legal; is it really necessary? With all these considerations churning in your mind, you will rarely find time or the inclination to make the first move and by then hopefully the need to act will have passed or the situation would have taken care of itself. If you are unable to get the hang of my thinking here, spend time with a government functionary. You will see what I mean and learn a few lovely pointers.

We are surrounded by responsibilities as it is. And people around us want to take on many more. Given the nature of life we can’t always say no directly. The way out of this predicament is to put all one’s energy in planning how to get out of it. Search hard for excuses and reasons or excuses couched in the garb of reasons.

• Raise objections; don’t attempt to be logical.
• If the other guy is sensible he will see through the playacting and leave you alone. If the responsibility is forced down your gullet and things go wrong later, you can always crow about how you had warned about it.
• Convert everything into an argument. Let the other guy explain himself get himself all tied up in knots. Later on you can use the confusion to slip out of any commitment.
• If you are attacked just smile sweetly and look apologetic and create another long argumentative discussion.
• When confronted by reality and there is no way of running away from a face to face meeting with a person you cannot afford to displease, – smile, be accommodating, agree and make promises. Then as soon as good form permits say your good byes on a happy note and scram. As soon as you are out of earshot, forget the whole thing. No point in burdening your memory with non-essentials. The guy will never realize how insincere you are and will hope and wait for some time and perhaps even call you on your mobile to find out how things are shaping up, then as time is a great healer and helps to forget, things will pass into the past and life will go on.
• In these circumstances it is good to have a dependant like an old mother, or dog or child around to take care of. They make wonderful subjects for excuses which cannot be overridden.

What after all is the concept of God for the average guy?

 From what I can gather from the actions and conversations of people, God is the Creator of this world and runs this world. We are supposed to be one of his children or are we and have imposed the idea of being his children so that He is forced to treat us as His children and take care of us?

God is all that we aspire of and the highest Aspiration that we can conceive of; or at least so we lead ourselves to believe.

We would rather die hungry but build temples. We would allow ourselves to be impoverished but dress up our God in silk and gold. We shower the best foods on our Gods and hope that He will be pleased and in return offer us goodies four-fold beyond our expectations.

Everyone designs his God in his expectations so a plethora of Them roam this earth.  How real are they? Do they have any basis in some real phenomena? Can anyone really prove it? We really do not have answers so the argument is unendable and enclosed within its parameters are all the ills, evils and kindness of the human race.

Humans are an ingenious breed. Once the Gods have been appeased, their importance is immediately placed on the practical balance of everyday affairs and if needed they are sidelined. Often we have no time to give them the obeisance we believe is due to them so we strike a bargain by putting them up at crossroads; this permits us to pay our daily prayer without side-stepping into a temple.

It is another matter that this same God whom we pray to is left to toast under the sun, or be dry-cleaned under the rain and chilled in the winters. He is there finally to serve us and his place is where we need him at our convenience.

If it has to be at the confluence of cross-roads then so be it.

The miniature versions soon become a nuisance and are immediately thrown under a tree or in a stream when they have served us. One does wonder what value we are giving to our Gods. See the number of Greeting card with the Gods adorning them to be crushed underfoot and/or thrown out with the common garbage?

Do you like to live your life your way? Then you must absolutely cultivate the art of not listening. Don’t be fooled by all these lectures on listening that will improve your life by making you more efficient and bringing in more value to your existence. It is absolute baloney. Listening never did any good to anybody. It only brings duties and commitments and who wants any of this?

 Look at this guy hogging the road or even that pedestrian walking merrily in the centre of the road. Both have been taught and told, I am sure often enough, to be a little more “giving” and considerate; if not for others at least for their own selves. From their behavior you would believe that they both acquired white hairs by standing under the sun. Then coming down to the immediate present, no amount of honking seems to affect them. Are they deaf? No sir, nothing of this. They are tax payers so they have rights and the roads are for public use; although I would keep my fingers crossed when making this statement.

The art of not listening has some techniques that can be mastered by anybody.

First obviously is to go deaf. Refuse to allow a certain level of higher frequencies to titillate your nerves in the ear. What will the other guy do? Hang you by the nearest tree?! There is really no point in being considerate and raising our blood-pressure levels, is there?

Second, learn to convert every exchange into an argument. Put the other guy in the position to having to clarify. Any stupid remark will do as long as it is made as an accusation. Keep this up till the poor other guy gives up and rearranges his life to cut you out. The problem is that this technique is used mainly in marriages where cutting out is not so simple. It would be better then to learn to grin and bear it.

Third, treat every question as an incriminating statement and answer accordingly with a lot of anguish and hurt in your voice and demeanor. Your words should show it by saying immediately in response something like: you are always shouting at me. The idea would be clearly to put the other guy on the defensive; the subject then getting conveniently brushed under the carpet. The other guy will eventually realize that he has been had but what can he really do except grind his teeth?

Fourth, be the nice guy. Grunt a yes sounding something and almost certainly do your own thing unless it is blatantly against your good health policy.

Fifth, is by changing the activity. Let us say you are watching the TV and your partner starts speaking to you. Immediately start fluffing the pillow with a loud noise then say sorry and then ask him to get you a glass of water. This does require a little presence of mind but practice makes perfect.

Sixth, just lose your temper. This will act as rumble-strips and slow the other fellow down and even embarrass him. Take advantage of the situation and accuse him of everything you can think of. It will not only take care of the present situation but make him downright scared for even daring to open his mouth in the future.

Happiness is in not listening.

To find out how other Ticklers and readers responded to these questions click here. If you would like to take this interview as well, mail us your answers at interview@tickledbylife.com. (we will publish only the best responses)

What is God?

PK: Somebody out there.

God or the Big Bang? (or both)?

PK: Couldn’t care much for either; see the mess?

God or Darwin (or both)?

PK: Does it matter?

God or Darfur? (How can Darfur happen if there is God?)

PK: Now look here seriously. Why bring God into everything? Are these humans washed in milk?

Who is God’s God?

PK: I did not know my father well with whom I spent 47 years and you ask me about this Guy I have nothing to do with?

Will the real God please stand up? (Why do we have so many religions?)

PK: But I thought they were Creations of our imagination?

Is this just a big lab and are we just guinea pigs and God just a researcher?

PK: I am more worried about what my wife will say about the pan that I just burned.

Does unexplained phenomena = God?

PK: You can explain it or leave it, I have my daughter calling me to wash her after going to “potty.”

Silence is Golden.  Discussing the sayings. 8

How often do you go out, sit in your rocking chair and listen to birds and the trees and perhaps the butterflies?

I asked this above question to a group focusing on meditation.

One of the replies is: My inclination lies in Silence -this has been the place in which I have felt at greatest ease. Being an Observer, or Silent witness, conscious of my Real Self, is my way of life, and my Meditation lies on that path.

This is a beautiful reply.

Silence is the best environment to be in. It is the strongest and most creative place. It is only in silence that others can speak to us. The universe is waiting for the din in our heads to quieten down so that it could put in a word or two. But we forget everything and focus on our ability of speech and we never have seemed to learn to stop. A little quietening down is absolutely essential both for growing and for renewal. We need also a little balancing act with ourselves to equate and see ourselves in reflection; ourselves as our own witness comparing and analysing so that we can know where improvement is needed. The flowers and butterflies are silent but in action at the same time.

Yes this is the enigma. Speaking in silence is the trick.

The flowers, the cloud formations, the flowing water and the shimmering reflection of the lights of the cities in water, the he waves crashing on the beach and so many other activities that do their thing, communicate but never say a thing. How entrancing they are. There is something in these forms of happenings that attract our attention and gels with some part of our being. If it were not so, why would we want to collect butterflies and put the flowers in pots? This is speech of a kind. We can speak with the eyes, eyebrows, actions and movement can’t we? The same way Mother Nature speaks to us in various hues and modes. If only we would listen.

I am a practioner of silent action. Once when I was in the neighborhood park with my child who had learnt to walk recently and she was exploring the world of the grass, flowers, swing and other exciting things, an older gentleman sitting and watching us remarked that I rarely said anything to the child but that I simply   followed her around.

This is point that could be elaborated a bit. The thing is that I was totally focused on the pleasure of discovery that my child had created. I normally went to the park at a time when it would not be crowded. So we could open ourselves out in comparative aloofness. But although the appreciation of the gentleman came as a pleasant surprise, this is the truth: my child and I were communicating fully although without the medium of speech.

I do not believe in over guiding, teaching or counseling. Better to wait for the right moment and make a remark based on the truth of my own experience, philosophy and experience. This has more impact than continuous lecturing.

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I am a believer. Look at his picture taken from today’s newspaper: Does that leave much room for discussion? What I glean into their deeper consciousness, I would say that they have been wired by Mother Nature to mate and populate; thereby fulfilling Mother nature’s need for able bodied humans to keep her Creation going forward.

The converse side is the need to protect oneself from too much attention and of Mother nature herself; she being so unkind as to buffet us with cold winds and blazing heat whenever her whims take her.

To my understanding the question has been stretched rather. The females would have by now realized that with minor changes of lines they are all the same. They are really killing the goose by over exposure. Soon nobody would be attracted by their charms even if they stood on a platform and danced naked. So how does it serve them? Even in the short run, in the jungle of today’s city culture wolves are behind every door-post and corner.

No I think they simply don’t know what they want. They want attention and appreciation but insist on controlling the admirer. Who ever heard of a tiger being controlled when unleashed? I think there is a case here of over valuation and then misery that follows in its wake.

Yesterday I was watching a French movie. A young boy of a single mother had just consumed sleeping pills and his distraught mother was blaming herself; while the boy was explaining to his teacher in the ambulance that he had not wanted to commit suicide but simply wanted to sleep as he had not been able to do so thinking about his girl. In the next shot his mother is shown explaining to him how much she loves him. It seems she had him when she was madly in love with a chef who later moved to New York on a luctrative job offer. She was to join him later as visas are difficult to obtain. But she could simply not put in the effort to pack her suitcase to make the move. The pain and distress she must have caused. She promised him that she would come but never did as she had found her love in her son.

Selfish and stupid wasn’t it? Then I am certain in my heart that she wanted to go but was not going to price herself so low as to go on her own. She was secretly waiting for him to come over and take her along. While the poor man secure in his thoughts that she would come never really understood the situation and never did. Eventually the drift became permanent.

What did she achieve by playing hard to get? Why hook a guy in the first place?  I have not acquired enough wisdom yet to answer all these questions but I see for sure that she lost her man, gave him pain and created problems for herself and her son by depriving him of a father’s attention and direction and so much else.

Don’t they see the amount of anguish this business of undressing is causing?

Life was designed as a river that flows always onwards. See the miracle happening all around you. The sun rises, the breeze is swishing by, there is water to drink, food to eat and the heart beats all by itself.

We had to do nothing. Life was given to us, we were taken care of and now it is given to us to go and grab a slice of this wonderful existence. There is only one condition; we have to go and take it. Our effort is written in the equation.

Humans are the only creatures who have been given the faculty of reasoning and planning. They also have a superior intelligence which allows them to carve out a life style in their own imaginings. So if you can conceive it, take it that it can be done. I have noticed that everyone has been endowed with a very positive quality which is unique to that person. With this unique attribute one can always create a niche for oneself. All it requires is a bit of focus and application with sincerity to arrive at one’s goal regardless what may come.

No one is born fully trained and educated. This was acquired and can be acquired by taking lessons. Once you know what is to be done and you have learnt how to do it, what could be stopping you from creating the life you have imagined? If you feel that life has not dealt you a good hand to begin with and then ask for a reshuffle and start again. Let me illustrate a story of a young man and he how came tops.

As a boy this man was seriously sick and later hurt his back which made it impossible for him to take full time employment. But he realized that he was good with languages. He had already a smattering of French and he saw a window of opportunity there. Foreign languages came easily to him as it is. So he bought a secondhand book and improved his grammar, vocabulary and control of the basics. He collected enough money to place a classified and announced himself as a teacher of French for beginners. Students came. As a teacher he continued to put in more effort to improve his language. Later on he applied for a teacher’s job in a corporation and got it.

Here again an opportunity presented itself in the form of the CEO wanting to learn French but could not spare the time. So the young man suggested that he be assigned a full time typist and he would compile lessons for the CEO that the CEO would have to study on his own and then practice with him at a mutually convenient time. This was fine by the teacher. The time fixed was at 8 every morning at the residence of the CEO besides the regular work in the day. The program was successful and the teacher had now become quite a master of his subject.

Now see how life moves forward with a little application. Here was the teacher with a lot of positive experience and mastery in his subject and a complete set of lessons backed by references of one of the most influential business house of the country. He shifted his residence to the capital of the country where the opportunities to use his knowledge were the greatest. Soon he found a job of a teacher in a prestigious school. But all this time he was wondering if he could get his lessons published as a book for self-teaching. He had even prepared audio tapes to complement the lessons. But in the meanwhile he had another brainwave; instead of wasting time running after publishing houses in the hope of his book being accepted for publication, he started a teaching academy of his own and offered correspondence courses and he started regular classes in association with the local YWCA. His lessons were now paying him twenty times more than his book would have and everyday new avenues of work were opening up as a translator interpreter through his students. He had now become so good at his job that he started being sent abroad on assignment as interpreter by commercial houses. His positive attribute was that would always give more than was asked of him.

Again he saw another window opening up. Every time he would go abroad, he would overstay with his own money and learn more about the country and the businesses. He would ask questions and spend time with seniors, helping them out without pay. Soon he became an acknowledged negotiator for business houses who wanted to work with France but could not because the people there had no French and no knowledge of the customs or ways of the country.

It was not long before that he started a business of his own and has never looked back since.

Back trouble that could have put him out of action, goaded him to find a solution to work part-time and see where life took him. Life kept on offering him possibilities and he kept taking them without calculation or thinking too much about where the pennies were coming from or going. He put in his effort to learn and improve himself and the Universe did the rest.

This is a truth of life one learns fast enough if one puts in one’s penny worth sincerely, with goodwill and the faith that if this Universe could give us life it would also give us the wherewithal to sustain ourselves and some more.

Out of ten people who speak about you, nine would have nothing good to say. The one person, who has something good to say, will say it badly. – Pascal.

It is a sad statement about human nature that we find it agonizingly difficult to speak well of others. Praise has to be forced out of our hearts like a breathing exercise.  You would remember the times you were asked to say thank you when you received a gift or card and that was the last thing you wanted to do. I have always wondered why speaking well of anything comes only with so much effort. Why do we want to hide what is in our heart?

I read the original in French sometime 40 years ago. It was quite an eye opener. Then I understood the value of human comments. It is as good as nil. People, as I understand, have two ways to see others; the first is with compassion as the Dalai Lama often reiterates-then you see everything with a forgiving and admiring eye. Like a child looking at the new world with wondrous astonishment The second is the more normal way in which after the world has bashed and squeezed us up somewhat, our shoulders bent double with the heavy load of cares, we turn cynical and can’t see anything good in any situation, thing or act and person. We see ill intent all around us and its expression.

Well there is definitely room for improvement in all of us. We are not always very honest with others or ourselves and then we go to inordinate lengths to mask the truth of our hearts; often from ourselves too. We have funny convoluted reasons for conducting many of our business. This saying was sent to me by a friend recently and it speaks volumes about human nature: “Sometimes we don’t do things we want to do so that others won’t know we want to do them.”

I would have thought this was self-evident. Does it need to be said?

Well we need to focus on the positive aspect. Some people do live in imaginatively speaking, clear-glass matter of fact, sensible and nothing-to-hide way. They have many happy stories to relate and are prepared to share their time and possessions. They see life as progressions of events designed to bring happy and happier times. They have nothing to hide and couldn’t care if whatever is visible is seen by others. They have realized there are billions of similar entities out there and they are nothing special to gloat about. Self-aware and humble; they are lovely people and these are the people who will always something nice to say about you.

But alas they are rarely trained professors of languages and have no training in PR techniques. They are woefully inadequate in expressing themselves in a precise and calculated language that would leave no doubt in the mind of the listener; something that leaves no room for double entendres or further distortion. Because it is a quirk of life that if anything can be distorted, the embedded prejudice in people will do so and more often than not do it in such a way that a lingering perfume of negativity and is left behind.

Discussing the “Sayings” (5)

If you can’t ignore an insult, top it. If you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved. – J.Russel Lyne

I find a great beauty and truth in this saying and in my own life has it has happened more than once. I have never been able to top an insult. The exchange or attack got me seething alright and I would have loved to see the guy’s head blown off. But outside I kept my composure and some remnant of dignity.

Topping an insult is what I would dearly like to do. But I don’t know what happens to me then. I just can’t ever think up one retort at that moment. Later I would not be able to stop myself by coming up with hundreds of brilliant ones but never – never at that particular moment. I suppose it requires a presence of mind I just don’t have. At that moment in time I am so shocked and hurt; my ego and self-regard in shreds that my thinking process freezes over. Then at the back of my mind another background noise is at work. I cannot stop thinking about the brawl I may be getting into. Brawls mean complications, waste of time and even money which I don’t have.

There was no way I could really laugh it away either; that would have been too darned demeaning.

My education has been faulty. I have been taught to be precise, correct and sincere. My spiritual peace is important therefore my mental makeup does not go for exaggeration except when I am obviously aiming for humor. The picture I have obtained from unsavory exchanges is that the art of insulting requires truckloads of a coarse dishonest streak that comes with an ability to lie off like a heartless scoundrel.

There is also attached to this criteria the ability to weave a fact into an insinuation as a foundation and then top it with an accusation; the idea being to attack the person and not the subject. Only an idiot would try to clarify himself in this situation. Some often do get tempted and soon realize that every time they open their mouth they are only giving the opponents some added ammunition.

I am just 5 foot four, 60 kgs(140 lbs) and with age, strength diminishing with joints getting sore and painful. I am terribly scared that a good brawl would develop into a dramatic scene of fist-cuffs flying around and I can’t afford that. No, trying to top insults is not my line and I would not advise it to anybody. What I do is to stare at the guy and maintain an absolute silence both in body and mind. This eventually puts the attacker off and calms him off too. Then I look for an escape route and walk off if I can or if I am on the road get into my vehicle ready to run if the situation permits and while accelerating off, leave a parting shot of words which I have rehearsed often before for these moments. I normally say something negatively nice like; – If you can’t talk like a reasonable man, I am going off. There is no abuse there for my opponent to latch on to for another round and I don’t wait for the prologue anyway.

Then coming back to the element of honesty in my own self, I must admit there is always some basis for the argument to have started in the first place. If I consider myself wise and adept at gauging moods then I should not have allowed myself to enter into a fray of this nature. It can only be stupidity because I let my vanity be pricked or I reacted by anger or something which opened the door for a backlash, fate adding to the occasion by giving me a worthy and most unscrupulous opponent.

Silence and running away are the best solutions. Refuse to engage.

The dream is to find the magical fountain that will give back those days without cutting out the adult fun. The spoil sports are the other adults. Why does it have to be that whenever people get together, the social dynamics can get complicated?

And some do seem to find this fountain so it is worthwhile looking for it.

All of us have been in love. Remember those moments when the traffic always moved smoothly, spring was perennially n the air, the meal was always perfect and the object of our love was not only perfection incarnate but gave us all the cuddles and caress we could take? There was promise of joy and happiness in the air. More to the point in this state we are saying “YES” all the time. So it proves that this state is possible but then as we know life happens.

There is this little devil of selfishness & self-centeredness that acts as spoil-sport. Giving to be a joy has to be a two way effort. The world in the state it is, cannot take too much giving without wondering what the heck it is all about. Whatever the Christian Love theory may say, giving the other cheek does not work out very pragmatic in the end. Life is what we make of it. Well then, what is the pragmatic way?

I would say that we take cognizance that we have influence in a given small crowd; let us worry about this crowd. Let us also not forget that The Universe or The Lord if you refer to call HIM, put us here and we are serving a purpose. The first rule we should exercise in our life is to act without “calculation & pre-meditation”. The second being: leave, absolutely leave, the rest of the world alone. Another rule that I have found by experience is to be honest with yourself and your neighbor. Say your piece whatever it is. If you can’t afford it say so. If you want something ask it. No hypocrisy.

If you are living for “Appearance’s sake” then you are digging a hole which will eventually become your grave. This requires a bit of intelligent analysis of the situation, which means also that to say yes properly we should learn to also say no. People are selfish just as we are and out to grab whatever they can and we should not promote this attitude for as I would say it corrodes the soul of the receiver and makes the giver miserable.

I really don’t think these lectures are required. Adults will never make good teachers; there is too much of their own personal agendas involved in their lecturing. It is the children who have the answers. See their attitudes and their approach to life; sincere, always trying and learning new tricks and sharing. There is “newness” in their personal atmospheres and I feel this is the secret to it all.

Emulating them will give us the Key to the joy we are looking for and the YES will get incorporated in our lives without trying; but I warn you, the rest of the world will think of you as immature and unreliable and often “coarse”, especially when you deny them something. But then you are here to say YES to your life and not theirs! Have courage!! The Universe is with you!!!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Once I was reading about the concept of beauty and the parameters by which one judges something as beautiful. From the entire reading I came to the conclusion that it is all a matter of habit. The conditioning a mind receives from its environment and some instinctive elements finally decide what is beautiful. This I put into practice on myself by dispassionately looking at a woman and try to analyze my mental processes to understand if I found her attractive. And I found this to be true. Only certain skin colors and certain facial & curvatious features were of interest. Which means in every locale and every race, the parameters differ. 

Then we have this limitation of thinking that only the female of our own species is beautiful and attractive. The male of the species is considered dumb enough to find anything attractive that comes with her along. You don’t think so! You can laugh at me but then why do these car makers and sports people all have dancing girls with their useless antics around. It really sounds terribly immature as if the entire tribe of organizers have no understanding of human nature and they are not simpletons who are manufacturing paper bags by hand in a back room for the roadside peanut vendor. 

The car maker who has put his entire dollar’s worth in designing a luxury car and given it a shape and shine to beat any natural beauty, then goes out to destroy his piece of art by surrounding it by bevies of ladies who I often find downright unattractive. I always wish they would go away so that I could see the car better.

Try and imagine being in The Louvre & The Mona Lisa made more attractive to attract viewers by a collection of young ladies around her. Ridiculous is the word that would come to mind. 

I watch basketball, cricket or other sports because I find the action interesting but when I open the TV what do I get? First the breaks with commercials and then these skimpily dressed young females of the species trying to make the setting livelier. Somebody has definitely got the equation wrong. Do they really think all their viewers are morons who have only one pleasure in life and that is to gape at the opposite sex? They not only upset our viewing pleasure but insult our intelligence too. 

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – Franklin D Roosevelt.

 I read recently about a young girl of 15 having committed suicide by hanging herself because she was afraid that she would fail in her exams. The results have not even been announced. I wonder what values and demands on their psyche have been imposed by their parents and people around them for certainly they are to blame.

It is horrifying to see semiliterate people wanting their children to excel as if to compensate for their own shortcomings. Can’t they bring up their children with a dose of love, respect and appreciation?

What have these parents done to expect so much of their progeny?  Why are egos and stupidity so prominent in their make-up?

One of the biggest problems humans create for them selves is that they live for others. What will they think is more on our minds then living out our own lives?

When people have nursed their egos all their lives, it is difficult to forget something that hurts their self-esteem, their amour-propre. When we have conditioned ourselves to like appreciation even if comes thru the achievements of our children, we are imposing on them a useless burden. We make many objects, actions and various habits a matter of pride that we feel gives us the separate and exclusive identity we crave in this crowded world. But this is restrictive in the sense that it fences us in and we then fight tooth and nail to remain within the fence rather than enjoy life.

Take it easy. Patience. Nothing is ever the end. Do your best. Teach these to the kids first letting them out of your sight.

The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. – Sigmund Freud

I can visualize the day and situation. Here is somebody confronted by a bigger and better armed hunter and the lesser guy who has had to hone-up on his intellectual skills to survive is in a no-win situation. So he gets this brainwave and hurls an insult and most perhaps runs for his life. The first intellectual salvo has been hurled and the next step in the evolution of man taken place. 

What a beautiful way to put it. I must grant Freud the accolade of being a seer. But I wish he was here today and he would have seen how his observation has gone a step further. 

As civilization kept on maturing and the intellect kept on growing, refinements were added. There were small kingdoms and then bigger kingdoms and then huge unwieldy empires. People had to be educated and pioneers were afoot. The control slowly slipped from the few to the many. But the many, specially the intelligent ones were busy making money or running productive lives so they chose the never-do-well ones to become leaders and called this choosing democracy. These in turn came together and met in a body they called the Parliament or Congress and they in turn chose the most incompetent and most easily influenced type as their President or Prime Minister. Things were going well but then these leaders began to think too much of themselves and their stupid decisions began hurting the very people who had put them there. 

Civilization had reached a point of no return and hurling insults was not working. You could see the centuries of refining of social norms spiraling out of control. You can judge this by examining some of the trends. See how music from calm, elevating experience has changed form slowly from polka to symphony to jazz, from quadrille to waltz to rock-n-roll and the wild zanghy music and let-me-be of today’s wild gyrations. You can see it in the transformation of languages. The courtesy and kindness shown in interactions has now been replaced by grunts and heartless SMSs which take much too long to decipher and leaves the recipient confused. 

See the art side. The subtlety of Reuben and Renoir went the Picasso way and now even monkeys and elephants are featured as artists. 

And lastly to make my point even clearer, we have had to use coarser and louder methods to be seen and heard. Words do not create any effect on the thick skinned leaders who have first created so much displeasure that people have risen in arms and then to protect themselves these leaders have now surrounded themselves with more arms and they keep on developing more sophisticated arms instead of listening. 

Is it a wonder then that hurling solid objects is back in vogue and we are seeing this phenomenon catching on?

Civilization is not fully dead; now they are throwing shoes! 

Civilization has gone full circle and mentality-wise we are back in the Stone Age although wearing footwear and T shirts. Perhaps to differentiate between now and then, we should call it the Shoes Age.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. – Helen Keller.

This is definitely something being said by a philosopher. And philosophers are known to be living in the clouds, rarely in touch with reality. The only one who understand their uttering are other philosophers. From where I stand I see nothing of adventure. It is more like a drudgery that never seems to end. What we had imagined and what life has finally become!

Truth is I agree with this saying but I can’t for the life of me see most people having any inkling of what is being described in it.

For example, the owner of the grocery shop where I shop; he has to stand twelve hours a day, routinely look after clients with no respite day-in-day-out. He goes home to sleep and to listen to his wife’s complaints or demands which are mostly connected with children, household problems, relatives and in-laws; although justified he cannot do much about them as both time and energy are at a premium.

In another instance take my maid. Not enough income, large family as she cannot stop her husband from enjoying her. Then brooming and washing dishes since the time she was 14 and now she is 60+.

Is this adventure or a sick joke?

Who wants adventure? Life is taken as it was offered. No attempt to change or “think” other wise was ever even hinted by their souls. The learning process and excitement went out of their character long ago. Are you prepared to share their burden? If not, they are not interested in anything and definitely not any philosophy!

Expect much from yourself and little from others and you will avoid incurring resentments. – Confucius.

And thereby deprive us of all meaning to live? Confucius may have been a great and wise man and I know a major portion of humanity lives by what he says but just imagine life without complaints, without anyone to blame and without scapegoats to carry the load. I mean where would be the spice in living so kindly? And truth be told, what about the negative attitudes of those around us, how do we ignore that? Seems something like an illusion.

And this business of expecting much from myself is really mind numbing. Am I not a grand guy already? Why are you being so critical? I must say, I resent his attitude of yours. All I ask from others is a little respect of my space which is my right and some appreciation of all I do. Do you not see any virtue in my person? 

Doing nothing is better than Being Busy Doing Nothing. – Lao Tzu

This sounds simple. Have you ever tried to do nothing? You will be surprised how difficult it is to do nothing. It requires letting go of the feeling that if you don’t do it things will not get done.

Then who will make my breakfast you would ask and who will broom the place? You are right; these things do need to be done but let us look at the world at large.

This saying is for agitated people who cannot sit still and who have overactive minds. They have to be up and doing even there is nothing to be done. These people are a pain in the neck because in the name of assisting they interfere and upset the equilibrium all over the place. Asking them to sit still tantamount to punishing them and asking to keep out and away, will make them jump to conclusions and even more agitations.

Doing nothing requires to let the world run itself, enjoy the moment, bask in aloneness and savor silence. It is another matter that this repose is also therapeutic both for the body and spirit.

The Most Common Way People give up their Power is by Thinking that They Don’t Have Any. – Alice Walker

We talk and discuss how the world is tearing apart and everything we valued is breaking up. And as a footnote we never forget to add –“but then what can we do?” When we notice a mistake, an injustice happening, something out of place, do we do something or give ourselves the excuse of squarely blaming the authority like the Municipality, Police and the Government?

If there is a stone in the middle of the road, how many of you would stop to remove it? By not acting and using the power of the individual as a person you are simply forgoing it.  Then you are also giving the right to others to do as they will and your own right to raise objections are cancelled.

Believe Nothing, No Matter where you read it or who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason, experience and common sense. – attributed to Buddha.

This definitely the path of right action but if you observe with intent, you will clearly see umpteen examples of it never being practiced. The confidence and panache with which people will talk things they have no idea about is a phenomenon about humans which never ceases to surprise me. If you ask them how and where they learnt about and on what authority they base their claims, the chances are that you will get the reply “They say….”  The truth is that we say, think and act in synch to suit our needs of the moment and everything we do is a back-up to justify our desires of the moment. We behave not by reason but by what is convenient at any given moment and often we change, deny and even lie about things as it suits us. As we shall never admit or agree to it there is not much point in pursuing the subject.

What constitutes nagging and scornful exhibition has not been documented yet. From the comic strip, it would seem that everything said or hinted in contradiction constitutes a scornful act which is absolutely unacceptable. In this comic strip the sentence “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” was being elaborated. The fuming woman was serving dinner and telling her husband –“After a whole day at my job I come back and bake you these potatoes. Saying no thank you will NOT DO!” The news item was more specific. The man had become so fed up by the nagging of his wife that he put her up for sale; we are to believe that they were newly weds too. And wonder of wonders, there were buyers ready too. The wife on her side had a simple explanation: “I don’t think I nag him. He just doesn’t do what I want him to”.

What a quandary this is. We all know what others are going through in marriages and we have all made efforts to find mates. The best that can be said about it all is that the chase is more interesting than the catch. I don’t know about the others because arranged marriages cut out the chase and fun and the joint family dampens the spirit. Yet this very dampening keeps the joy of finding your girl alone for yourself for a moment is akin to the chase which goes on and on so I believe the charm lasts longer.

In my case I was living alone in a place like Delhi, leading a very unusual life of a teacher of French at the YWCA. So romantic escapades were no problem and I was spoilt for choice. It just happened that I found books more interesting with my music system softly playing Mozart or Bhimsen Joshi.  Many of my attempts at wooing were more in the nature of experiments to see if I had in me to turn on the lights in a woman’s eyes. With my mobike I suppose I was a very attractive proposal because once or twice I had to worry more of shaking of pursuers rather than the opposite. But one thing is sure; it was not long before the nagging would start. And usually they left me because as some of them said – “they did not feel needed” or as I translated it “they could not overpower or control me.”
 
I remember one of my aunts wanting to pair me off with a certain young lady. I avoided the subject for many months. It soon became clear that I would have to forego entry to my aunt’s if I did not pay heed so I agreed to meet the young lady hoping that I would put her off and that would be that. I promised to take the lady out on a summer evening. It was 42 degree C (around 110 F) and I was a little fatigued so I was a little quiet. I was hoping to sit in a garden restaurant, order a cold coffee and then get down to a conversation. It is not easy to have a conversation on a mobike anyway and I was wearing a helmet. By the time we reached the restaurant the lady had already taken to the notion that she had been scorned and the first sentence she uttered was “You are avoiding talking to me and I don’t like it.” I began wishing being home alone in my flat and with my usual company of books and music.

The next two tries were also absolute failures. In the first case this was an arranged meeting. I found the young lady quite nice and nearly said yes. But in the next 24 hours, I panicked and said no. In the second try it was a chase and win situation. I asked the question and she said yes but then in the next 24 hours she panicked and went back on her words. There were other meetings, agreements and more meetings. But somehow or other I always ended up irritating the young ladies and even after saying yes, they would go back on their answer later. Honestly I must say there were moments where I felt more relieved than sad.

Jokes apart, there is a kernel of truth in the above pleasantries. Women are designed to be appreciated; she is to be appreciated and be seen as the centre of your little universe and forget the rest as crap. She is never wrong or at fault. Get this in your puny head. Any time you fail to give signs of unfailing praise, you have legally and literally scorned her. And that brings down the axe with all its dangerous aftermath. In a pique they may really even leave you so beware. But normally they are more pragmatic than that. They stay and keep you grovelling and making it clear what position you enjoy in the equation. You can run away but where will you go?

This quote popped out to me like a shot. And it put into beautiful words something that I was trying to understand. Everything became clear in a flash. Edward R Murrow says: Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.

That doesn’t leave much doubt, does it? This is how I have been feeling and interpreting my experience; here is somebody who not only agrees with me but he has put the same into such lucid words. I can see my entire experiences reflected in this one sentence. The irony in this observation is that no one will agree that they are being difficult just to prove that they are also somebody. From an exterior angle most behaviours and utterances can easily be interpreted in many different hues.  Is there a deciding parameter to justify who is being difficult and who is being critical, diffident or nice? No and there is no point going into it.

The truth is always way above and out of the realm of arguments. If a state of argument exists then the first principle that it is not the truth is already at work. So instead of arguments many people use the vehicle of incrimination to keep the others offguard. There is not only an element of purposeful insincerity but also a malevolent intent. It is bullying in the most gentlemanly manner. They keep on throwing verbal stones of accusations and leave you only two options:  either you start a long diatribe of explanations which in turn get ripped and require more self-deprecating explanations thereby binding you in an unending jam or you show indignation and try to out shout/argue the other guy down. Either way you have lost because the oppressor has got you where he wanted you. If you try to hurt him back the bully then gets physically violent or threatens to and this sword is allowed to dangle over your head in practically a permanent state. Eventually as you are not made in the same insensitive mould your first instinct is to avoid all contacts and save yourself from irritating situations. But the sword is always dangling.

Talking theoretically may seem as if all is said and explained but my opinion is that until a point is illustrated, there is always a margin for impulsive and lax interpretations of a statement. As it is the words can convey only limited notions. The feeling and the 3D drama is fully lost in the telling. Still one thing can be said without much margin of error in interpretation that people do use a nose-up in the air style and keep others in perennial state of terror as to what barb is coming next. They are clever enough to translate every question or remark of yours into a perceived insult and then use it to pour invectives down on you; with a full bag of righteous justification for it.

This is a subject on which few can go one-up on me. I have a mother who is an expert at it. She has cultivated it to an art form. The regular show of this style can be seen on Indian TV Serials. My mother saw it in real life from her brothers as a lively young daughter of a rather important zamindar. She hasn’t forgotten it and lets no one else do so either. Her attitude has been steadily bolstered by the regular feed of this characterisation for the last 60 years in our movies. Then to add to my discomfort, now I have a first floor neighbour who along with his wife has made it into a duo act of some refinement.

I have an aunt who is a backbiter and congenital liar. Life forced me to go and live with her for a while. Even though it was a very long time ago I have still not gotten over it. In a few months my reputation as a rogue was making headlines in the family. Oh I admit I am a bit of a rascal and this is plainly shown by my irreverent attitude of arguing with my elders and questioning them at every command. Then I had this inspiration. In the midst of my whole family one day I used her own style of being offended and announced to the whole gathering that from that day onwards I was dead for her and there will be no further contact between us. That stumped her and since then I have known peace.

Falling back on my experience, I used the same trick on my neighbour. Now for two years I have refused to respond to him and I don’t say anything to him. I just do what I have to do. No discussions. He is now trapped in his own drama. If he cusses me, he will be seen as the attacker. And as far as possible I avoid him like the plague; even to the extent that I avoid “seeing” him so this does away for any need to even say good morning. Things are nice and cool for the time being.

For the whole of my life I have tried to come close to my mother but on my 60th birthday my patience snapped. I saw clearly that by showing her that I needed her, I have only allowed her to use my affections for her self-aggrandisement; I am a mere prop to her self-importance so I have let more than a little coolness & distance come between us. I never say anything to her so she cannot be offended and if what she is saying looks like fault-finding I don’t let her say it and stop her in mid-sentence. I have peace of mind and I am content. I do my thing; she does hers.

The trait of accusing and keeping a front of being offended is very common in the Indian character. But I can safely say even though it is generally the rule as all are in the same boat nobody has recognized it for the nagging negativity it brings into our way of thinking & behaviour. Without realizing it we are all unhappy, a little disturbed and irritated at any given times. How did this trait become so dominant in our ethos, I wonder?

I have today picked up some gems from a journal where the writer is trying to help his readers to enhance their potential. Every word he says is right but useless too.

See what a brainy young man, who has just joined the workforce, has to say in response to the advice/suggestion/feedback/exhortaion:

Suggestion: COMMUNICATE WELL.

Response: Well what makes you say I do not communicate well to begin with? In school and college I used to even be appreciated for my language and clarity of communication. I was winning debates. I am very confident that my language is good and my grammar correct. Everyone I know in my family and friends said so. What more is needed?  Then you say “Be persuasive”. What do you mean? Am I not good at getting things done? Very few people refuse me what I want. I have a string of happy clients to prove it. You say; try and adopt effective communication skills. Whatever are they and have I not explained my point already?

Suggestion: THINK THREE STEPS AHEAD.

Response: Do you think I am a seer? How do I see ahead? Everything in life is a team effort and most people just don’t put in their 100%. If things are not turning out well, am I solely to blame? OK I know that I must take this into calculations but that I already do. That is as much as I know about the game. Then, where is the problem? And if you feel I do not calculate the exigencies well then let me ask you, have you taught us what is what in this game?

Suggestion: KEEP IT SIMPLE AND SHORT.

Response: Have you tried the technique yourself? What interest do I have in talking on and on to explain my point? We are all at work, doing our jobs. The others are supposed to know what they are doing and they are equally responsible. The problem is that they never do. They know that after all it is my baby and the axe will not fall on their heads. Tell me of one person who would know how to get an ounce of seriousness into these guys. Even after crossing the Ts for them, they go and do the very thing they were told to guard against. I assume you have never tried to sell anything with a sales target quota dangling on your head?

Suggestion: STAY IN HIGH SPIRITS

Response: Frankly I miss the point entirely. With all these untrained lumber loaders around my neck putting spoke in my wheels at every stage of life it is easy to say. There is a saying: The advisors don’t have to pay for it. First I am needed to delegate, then supervise and finally end up redoing it all by myself again. At work it is a madhouse and home is no place to relax and you ask me to stay in high spirits. Have you ever worked in a team which was not of your choosing; where you have all the responsibility but no authority?

Suggestion: ADOPT A FRESH APPROACH.

Response: Shall I fire the team and get a new one? Change my job? Or do you mean I am incompetent? If I were not certain of my methods would I be following them? Why would anyone think this is purposeful advice? Where were these teachers when we were at school and they were appointed for shaping us for life? These people who now want us to change are the ones who taught us earlier or of the same ilk. Then they would not hear a word we had to say. Discussions were discouraged and insistence was taken as argument and opposition. Now when we have been certified as ready for managing our lives and the affairs of men, we are told to forget our old self and recreate into another image. For them it is mere words but have they tried to improve themselves?

Suggestion: BUILD A TEAM.

Response: I knew you would be coming to this eventually. How much choice do I have in life? Did I choose my parents, family, friends, schools, teachers then what makes you think I have any choice about the boss or the team I have? It is so easy to string a few words that mean nothing. It only shows that you have read a few books and become a trainer but with little experience of life. Get your nose to the grinding wheel and let’s meet again in a few years.

And so on and so forth.

I have yet to meet a person who would listen and admit that he has room for improvement. Just to impress the boss and the entourage they may often make a show of humility by saying yes they have faults with a lot of room for improvement. But it is all a sham. They know what they are. They are quite impressed by their selves. The world likes to find fault and criticize. That is the way of the world and best forgotten or ignored for the good of their mental health.

What sounds good and virtuous is left best alone as wonderful words on paper that will go nowhere and take nobody anywhere.

But things went further. My wife was more than just vexed and showed it. She called me psychologically unhinged and rued the day she hitched her star to mine and so on so forth. This was not simply getting annoyed and angry. I felt there was something else behind it. Again for the umpteenth time I noticed that this became an excuse for my wife to assert her independence as an individual and separate entity.

This will require some preamble explaining as to what I am getting to. I have had this thought floating for many years that though we want closeness, hunt for affectionate relationships and love affairs yet do not really ever open the doors to our whole selves. My education in an ashram made me sensitive to this issue early on but I have begun to understand it only lately after marriage and having to live with my mother after my father’s death.

I recognize this fact because I could sense it in me. So I made it a point to study myself and others more closely. It is obvious that what we consider to be our ‘self’ is a very egocentric persona and not very stable at that. Every time closeness would develop in a relationship I would get a funny, not-so-comfortable apprehension that by merging my self in the relationship I would lose my entity as a person. It was like an undercurrent of unexplained discomfort and I would then do some thing stupid that would ensure that the relationship did not cross a fine point and most often would then fade away.

This experience is explained in many philosophical and meditative techniques. Just imagine letting ourselves go and becoming one with the universe; will our ‘self’ still exist? But it is a fact that when we let our selfish selves go we do feel a release and a friendlier atmosphere builds up around us. But this is not an easy thing to experience or bring into being by mere thinking and wanting. A certain amount of self-transformation is required. Even people who go for it consciously through meditative and yoga techniques tend to falter at the crucial moment. So if my wife gets scared whenever a “closeness” begins to develop, I am not surprised. This is a very unconscious happening. Few would agree to it and would never admit to going through it. But the subconscious has many tricks hidden at its core. The newer generation is showing it more openly; laced with gadgetry they feel secure in their aloneness, even a bit superior, fully confident that they can manage perfectly by their lone selves as if enclosed in a block of ice.

I have seen this happening mainly with mentally advanced, city bred people, especially if they have the good luck to have succeeded by the material world’s standards and their egos have had the pleasure of getting inordinately inflated. These people are difficult at the best of times but transform into veritable hissing anacondas if crossed. Every little irritation is magnified into a show of opposition as if attacked then logically merits an exemplary retort and retaliation. In this mood every word uttered or gesture is calculated to cause grievous hurt. Often pots and pans fly.

I have seen that whenever they feel that they have been wronged and this happens ever so often, scorned women will bring out the “cat-o-nine-tails” and thrash you nice and proper. It is a good exercise to make you grovel and remind you of your place in the equation. You can forget peace, quiet and affectionate hugs. It is a grace that they don’t run away with another man there and then. When my wife is in this mood, all I wish to do is pick up my ‘kamandal’ and run for a cave in the hills and embrace monkhood. Had it not been for my daughter, I would have even done it in a fit of pique.

You would of course say “alive”. Truly you would say I am asking a pointless and silly question. Very well, then would you explain to me why nobody could find time to visit Mr. X when he was alive but all turned out to pay him “respect”(sic) when he finally called it a day? Am I being silly then?  Now my own time is not too far off. I was reflecting on my own life. I did the unpardonable by living by my principles and whims instead of the community’s and was rather stark in my annoyance if anyone crossed the line beyond reasonable limits. So today I have the pleasure of rarely receiving anyone from the family; even the ones who found me “super” when younger. They remember my indiscretions, my frank and outgoing speeches and think I am best kept at a distance which suits me fine (I suppose they are afraid I will contaminate the minds of their children).

The other day I was talking to my wife on this subject and I told her when my time comes would she have the guts to ask people to leave me alone in death as they had done in life? I would definitely want it so.

I do wonder why we give so much importance to death and make it such a grim and sad affair. After all, the departed one could not care less and he could be in no way sad about the turn of events. There is this uppermost enigma in my mind as to why we reserve the eulogizing for the dead while the living ones get all the contemptuous glances and more? There is no love lost before death and after it there is nothing but it. If anyone is looking for proof of the basic elemental dishonesty in human nature one has to simply visit a wake. All their lives those who were dying to hear a kind word have to literally die to hear one!

My father was an intellectual and although he loved the company of his friends and family and could easily become the life of the party, he was by virtue of his hobbies and activities happy to be left alone too. When he was younger he was the best placed in the family and helped all his younger brothers to get placed and sisters married off. In time the brothers established themselves and had families and responsibilities of their own. Time for gathering around my father shrank from days to hours and then to minutes to less and less and by the time he was sixty very few had any time to visit him until and unless they had a problem only his genius could solve. My own bent of spirit is a little on the philosophical side and I took after him in more ways than one and I can say he was proud of me and contented enough to see me doing as well as he had done. 

I have always made an effort to find time to be with people I tend to miss. So although my father was in Hyderabad and I was in Delhi, I spent at least 3-4 days every month with him religiously. Then one day the ominous call did come. But at his age it was expected and a matter of time. I reached there immediately to take care of affairs and informed all my family who are mainly in the north of India that they should please do me the favour of not rushing down. For one I did not have the resources to host anyone; and more importantly I wanted to be alone. I told them they would be welcome to visit me and my mother when we were in Delhi in a month’s time. Knowing me they all did as told. We did not miss them and I am sure they were very relieved to avoid this troublesome trip.

I have been one of the lucky ones. I enjoyed exactly 47 years of a close life with my father and my brother. I pride myself in thinking that the delight was mutual. I took time out to spend as much of my days as I could with both of them. I may regret a lot of things but not the time with them. Now that they are gone I feel orphaned. But as it happens in life there are always compensatory comings and goings. My daughter came into my life when I was 58; when I had all the time in the world to devote to her. The last 3 and a half years I have been with her all the time. My wife is a full time employee so the mothering came on my shoulders and I loved it. It has been the loveliest part of my life. The laughter, the kisses, the clinging and the gamboling; nothing can beat it all. Only now that she is growing up and does not need my physical embraces so much I am already beginning to feel the distancing and a wistfulness creeps in. I get to hold her nowadays only when something disturbs her at night and then she slips into my lap and goes to sleep in my arms. How long will the title “Grandest Papa in the Whole World” last? Why do these kids have to grow so fast?

Bullies are a fact of life. The physically or intellectually stronger will always attempt to overpower the weaker. In the office, the psychology is the same. Nice people who are not in a habit to grumble or complain are seen as good game and some of the brasher elements will want to intimidate them for their own ego boosts. And this they do. Very few victims have the experience and basic understanding to tackle and counter these jabs.

Mostly, bullies are very adroit and stick to the safe side by using words. Their abuse is cleverly mingled with work related incidents so the victim if at fault, is already under a pressure of guilt. These bullies know what they are doing. It is simply their need of controlling others. Often they use work as an excuse to unload on the hapless juniors unusual responsibilities so as to first create an impossible situation, then by demanding something in return they give the promise of alleviating the stress. It is blackmail of sorts and many succumb.

Every office without exception has seen this scenario and it is being enacted at any given moment somewhere. The problem is it remains hidden as most of the time there is nothing untoward to report and more often than not, even if there is something to report most people are too scared to do so. Keeping the job and not to be seen as weak can be an extreme motive. Who would believe them anyway? Unwittingly the victims are only encouraging the act but who will bell the cat?

Verbal abuse is very common. As it is not physical, there is rarely anything to show as evidence. Until and unless a tape recorder is always actively recording every word said. Even then there is always a logic and excuse. But abuse is abuse. The problem is in the fact that the abusive harangue never gets the reprimand it deserves. It tends to get diluted in the telling. A complaint later on paper may look rather silly. Without the pitch, intonation and body/face expressions the whole thing becomes meaningless. There may not be any conscious malefic intentions behind it but it is definitely a tool of control and assists greatly in keeping the other person submissive and scared. It is an age-old technique, very deeply embedded in the human subconscious and very widely used in communities where feudal tendencies have prevailed for a long time. Though the perpetrators rarely realize that it is self-defeating as it lowers morale and brings down productivity. Who cares? The feel of elation and superiority is so addictively pleasurable!

It is imperative that victims do not learn to live within these conditions, as the scars are long and deep. Who knows when the abuser may become bold enough to even get physical? Tolerance only encourages and emboldens. A broken bone can be mended but the psychological scars can ruin a person’s life.

What can you do? Here are some watchwords to save yourself from this trauma:

KEEP YOUR COOL. Do not get into a slandering match. Call his bluff. Distance yourself. Never argue or explain your stance. The moment you get into an argument, you have lost. This is true in any situation in life, be it with your boss, colleagues, students or children. Bullies are really cowards deep down. If you feel confident enough then give him a dressing down; if possible in public where his image is shattered. There is though a flip side here: he may eventually become vengeful and really attempt to do some serious damage one way or another.

DO NOT FEEL guilty, afraid or compassionate towards your abuser. Remember the abuser is using your own feelings to manipulate you. By focusing on your weaknesses, guilt is built up and you forever remain under his clutches psychologically. Verbal violence is used to frighten and this may easily one day convert into physical. Don’t get into the trap of thinking he needs you. Nothing could be farther from the truth in such conditions.

IF THE DEMANDS are unreasonable, say so; as far as possible without upsetting the apple cart. Although expecting a reasonable response from a bully is really asking for the moon.  Object at the very first instance of perceived misbehavior. Delay in objecting will turn the situation into an acceptable habit.

GRIN AND BEART IT is not a good policy. Let others know and take help from the right people. If the situation is impossible and if you can,t live with it, quit.

–

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Boy! What a coincidence that this question came to be asked of me. Considering that I have lived most of my life without an adequate supply of the essential moolah, I must be an expert on this subject. From the last I can remember I have had to mooch and plan for even to most of banal things; even a cup of coffee. But by golly, was it fun?

On the question of coffee or any other, essentially to mooch you have to have friends and in that I have enjoyed exceptional Grace of the Lord. Now my policy is that only fools buy them; whatever these things are. So here was my day planned out. Early morning visit to a friend and of course coffee and browse his newspaper. Then reach the office of another friend just in time for the most divine coffee again. And later if lunch could be fitted in, that would be fine but not as important as the coffee. The 4 pm coffee was the cup that required all my meticulous planning but I managed it for 25 years so I suppose I did well.

Let me relate to you how planned my life without money. I bartered my knowledge of the French language by teaching at the local YWCA and received in return a bunch of bank notes which were exchanged for a bike and camera etc. Then I wanted to go to France as some friends invited me. So I bartered the camera and bike for new bank notes that were exchanged for an airline ticket. But I am not that stupid to blow it all off. So I asked an uncle to refer me to some family friends who gave me a bunch of pearls to explore a market for them in France. I gave those pearls away to anyone who would give me in return a paper that would be legal tender for a new camera and some left over. Back home, with the ‘left over’, I paid the friends for the pearls and bought a new bike and astonished everybody with my new camera; not to say with everybody wondering how I managed a trip abroad on my kind of income.

But then I got tired of all this planning and I got married and my saga ends there. We then come to the original question of living without money. The questioner presumes: In olden days people used the barter system. If this is possible then black money from the system will vanish, hunger for amassing wealth will vanish, so many good things will happen.

How naïve! Humans are humans. Nothing good can ever come out of their propensity to grab and accumulate. Nothing comes of nothing. Barter or not, nothing good will happen; of that I am certain. There is buyer and there is a seller. How intensely the buyer wants the seller’s product will decide the exchange rate and the level of fleecing; above or below the table. So let’s be pragmatic.

Seriously speaking aren’t we missing something? What after all is money? If you are referring to gold mohurs and paper bank notes then they are just that. They are pieces of metal or paper. It could as well be sea shells. It is the value you give them that makes them what they are: an exchange rate valuation of goods, products and services. So this is the wrong way to study this subject.

The point is that we have to give to get. We may think we are enjoying things free of cost, but are we really? Cash or kind, payment is always in the pipeline. You were not under the impression that I got all my coffees, scot-free? That would be the understatement of the year. I paid by doing odd jobs; being of service in some way or the other. It just happened that I do have some subjects of interest in which I am considered good and advice and help was in demand. And I gave it freely, after all free cups of coffee, meals and what-not did not come by out of the blue.

So the long and short of it is: there is no living without money. Even my three year old daughter won’t give me a kiss without a bar of Cadbury’s chocolate. And about my wife’s payment schedule it would be best not to talk about it at all!

Money is an optical illusion. Try to get a free cup of tea from a hotelier and you will see? Either you will pay in predetermined exchange rate via bank notes or else wash the dishes in his establishment!

–

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Are we being true to ourselves and the universe which is organizing our lives around us? There is so much expectation from the universe but to receive we have to be in the club of givers without premeditated calculations of why & what.

When we give our youth, time and energy to family, relationships, work we do so with an intent which is very self-oriented at the core. No conditionals!

The joining of the club of givers requires, spontaneity, the opposite of the tendency to hoard, live with less and as far as possible with the minimum one can. At the same time sharing of goods, effort and time because somebody is genuinely in more need than you and could obviously put whatever you are parting with to better use. Finally the belief that the universe is there and will give what you need anyway.

Did you choose your name, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teachers or even the place & date of birth? You accepted all these without preamble so what is bothering you now?

The best givers are intensely alive and very involved in life. When you drop the critical, calculating and the judgmental attitude, there is an aura of compassion which builds up around you. Then you can only give. I know many millionaires and I have been blessed by the help they gave me in cash, kind and personal time.
As an exercise study your life and see how many things are lying around you that are never used and list them out. Second step if you feel there are others who can use them and NEED them, would you be ready to pass them on?

This is living in the present. Things come and go. We are only caretakers or users for a while. Like a coin which changes hands hundreds and thousands of time in its life time. Yet the humans have been able to delude themselves into believing that things belong to them. These people close their doors so effectively that nothing goes out from them nor anything comes into them. What a waste of a lifetime – it is so sad; these people are doomed to repeat their lifecycles over and over.

So how does one open out to the universe; How to be a witness? How to grow out of the petty self? It is simple really. See the world with benevolent eyes. Don’t judge – observe as a third party, witness. And above all: don’t try to change the world. Identify yourself with beautiful things and surround yourself with them.

Learn about all the things that are negative in character, like noise, obnoxious materials, obnoxious emotions etc – anything that leaves a bad after-taste, shocks or frightens or as the environmentalists would say – polluting. Try to distance yourself from these. And then join the club of givers.

You’ll see things will start falling in place.

–

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

In a criminal case, the accused needed to be somewhere else – a marriage in the family – on the date he was to be in court. His lawyer assured him that she would be able to handle the situation with ease by asking for another date for the appearance on the ground of ill health and that there would be nothing to worry. So the accused merrily went on with his life. Later in the day he found that the judge simply would have nothing to do with the lawyer’s pleas and had issued a non-bailable warrant against him. Nothing could be worse as this could mean also cancellation of his bail. How would you handle it?

The young lady lawyer in question showed courage and presence of mind that was commendable. The very next day, she made another plea to the judge in the presence of the accused and pleaded for clemency stating that it was all her fault. She had misinformed the accused erroneously of the date and that he should not be punished for no fault of his. On this the judge being a woman too, took a lenient view and the NBW was cancelled and the accused began breathing again and his respect of the lawyer went up one notch.

When in error few show this courage to come out clean or take it on themselves to help somebody out. Our personal agendas normally win over the need to go beyond our puny selves. It is such a sad reflection on this superior race that we profess to be. Humans being what they are would normally opt for first obfuscating the matter in such a way that in the confusion the subject gets carpeted over. If this does not work, they look for plausible excuses however far-fetched they may be and as a last resort for a scapegoat if one is conveniently at hand. This is very easy to understand. A certain amount of narcissism is in all of us. The element of vanity does not allow us to present ourselves as we are. We want to be seen as bright, capable, successful and master of the situation and will generally go to long lengths to put up a great show. At least that is what we think we are doing.

In the heart of hearts everybody is fully aware of his/her errors and shortcomings. To hide it is our first priority even though quite often we know that lip-service is all we are getting and nobody is fooled. But we all continue with the charade. After all being clever is more important than being accurate, sincere and honest. In the process we complicate situations and wherever we are in authority we can even harm others. This is so pitiful.

Owning up errors would in my opinion only make others see our greatness and our magnamity. We have been brought up on stories of honesty and its eventual huge recompenses yet we are afraid to implement this attitude in our lives. You would have certainly heard of the story of George Washington and Harishchandra. Don’t you believe in them?

So what keeps us back? One, I suppose is the need to be seen in a good light alone. The other is that we want the world to be reasonable and do things our way; therefore it will not do to be remotely seen as an error-prone person. We have created an image of ourselves and we will always go out the whole hog to make sure that others see us that way. It is a prison of our own making. This prison brings us stress and worries which we could well do without.

Those who are happy in their skin could never be bothered. Their attitude is always towards accepting their error and swiftly going on to with their lives. If an apology is needed, it is sincerely made and done with. Apologies have a distinct property of diffusing explosive situations and smoothing out any misunderstandings and taking the wind out of the sail of other’s indignation.

How many of us have the courage to own up? Why do we still continue to point fingers? Are we not evolving or learning from our experiences and education? I wonder.

–

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

Life comes in two hues; black and white and hundreds of shades in between and then there all the colours and millions of combinations and shades of these colours. Did you really expect that life would be one roller-coaster ride where all you have to do is wish and your fairy Godmother would make it come true? This is awfully unrealistic and terribly childish.

Let us examine this subject from a realistic point of view with some not so hypothetical instances to illustrate the point. A highly learned teacher with a lot of experience goes to a school for a job for which he is more than qualified. But the job goes to a younger lady. The poor man can take this as a rejection and also as a confirmation of the moving ahead of the wheel of life. In the game of life and the truth behind this incident, there is the fact that the school is a business. The administration wants younger people to work hard and day long. Then as children are involved, there is this notion that ladies are kinder and softer in their approaches; which may or not be true but it is something that we have to live with. Then as the teacher needed is for classes well below the qualifications offered by the learned teacher, he is not really required. So the great expert is not given the job. Does this qualify as rejection? No, not at all. It is just the quirks of life at play. There are more than a couple of factors at play in life. The more qualified teacher should not take this personally and not bring his vanity into play. Rather, he should take this as an eye-opener and look for greener pastures and I would add improve himself for a greater destiny.

Lately a little downturn in the economy has prompted many companies to downsize with many people suddenly finding themselves back to square one. They can’t take this personally. It is definitely depressing and the future with all the commitments at stake is in jeopardy; at least as was visualized. But then life does not move in a straight line. The fear if any is surely from the fact that certain financial commitments had been put into place and now the lack of an income would destabilize the entire thing. In all simplicity I presume to ask, did you plan for not having a job? Let us say you bought a car on loan which you had planned to pay for as you went along and now this retrenchment falls like a block of bricks on your head. The fear is that either you will have to return the car and lose all the money already paid for or pay for it from your reserves if any. The running of the car is also an expensive proposition. Also here is the image problem. What will everyone think? Now let us speak in realistic terms: Your plans for your life were unrealistic. You were spending money which you had not. You were aiming for things that were not yours as yet by right. And the fear of being ridiculed is purely vanity at work.

There is additionally a positive side to fear. If we are not comfortable with things as they are, we strive to change. We make efforts to upgrade our abilities and think creatively and explore many other possibilities which we would have not done otherwise. This results in an educative process which benefits us greatly and will stand by us more than anything else in the world in times of crisis.

In relationships “fear” takes a slightly different colouring although the shapes being coloured are the same. Our vanity asks us to modulate our behaviour and we then present ourselves to the liking of others and their appreciation. In our zeal to impress we present a very false persona. We are being untrue; to ourselves and to the other. Sooner or later, the other person will see through the machinations. And if the other is a wizened, experienced person, he will see it immediately. This is manipulation which can never have a good ending; we bluff, huff and puff and blow our own house down. If we get hurt in the process, we alone are totally to blame. In relationships, if we were truer, honest and candid, we would not pose nor compromise our feelings at every step. We would have the courage to say NO when we want and only YES when we really mean it. We would also pay attention and listen to the other, especially when the other is trying to say NO.

In the final analysis there is nothing to fear. You are you and you should take yourself positively but with a pinch of salt. The anxieties and pain come from the ‘wants’ we impose on ourselves with finicky attitudes so all we need to do is de-complicate our lives.

–

PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home

The human mind at its present level of development is a collector. It collects data for data’s sake. It also feels very knowledgeable and can spout quotes and passages on every subject and considers itself wise. To himself, a person is awesome and often wonders why others cannot see it this way. Often the ego over inflates and all further seeking stops.¬† The mind takes the mantle of teacher and guide and wherever possible will ‚Äúcontrol‚Äù all around it. But then all this focus on statistical info, data of all sorts, end in attempt to codify and arrange it all in a reasonable pattern; and this blocks it. So read as much as you can but do not end up focusing more on your collection of books than learning from them.

One day I read this quote by Chuck Palahniuk which took my breath away as it confirmed my own reading of making the most of this life given to us: “ The best way to waste your life…is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate.”

I remember something like The Mother of Pondicherry saying that one should act first and think later. In strict opposition the world advises to think before leaping and serious reflection etc. So here was a contradiction. Why are people spending so much time in planning then? Later it became clear. In plans and projects on the worldly plane planning is necessary for correct implementation. The decision taking part is where this reflection comes in; if we reflect too much, then we may never do it. The same applies in personal lives. If we think, plan and debate too long we may end up not doing anything at all. At the spiritual level where I suppose the advice of The Mother is really valid, we then avoid the experience which will bring us wisdom and enlightenment.

There is an age in our lives when we do want to learn and better ourselves. We read, collect quotes and books which go into the drawer and shelves and never see the light again. We then get busy with our lives, families and other things. Then age begins to catch up. Our collections grow waiting for the right time and free time to catch up with all this. Rarely if at all the time ever comes. The truth then hits us; either we do it now or forget it – the moment is lost forever. What is not put into practice is dead info.

Coming back to the material plane and our day to day existence, tons of goods are lying in stores in homes and offices. Deemed useful and needed at a particular time but later left to rot in a dusty corner; all but forgotten; and what about the people? Most of them are happy with their own selves. Just go behind the words and see things from a higher perspective and you will see that most of them are putting up a worked-up facade to be seen as knowledgeable and virtuous.

I firmly believe that when there is not a “live” question, the answers have no meaning. If you see and compare the result of the work of the amount of pragmatic thoughts, guidance and philosophy that is available and being made available through media of all kinds, one does tend to wonder for a second if it is changing their thinking and acting patterns? Are they applying any of it in their actions and lives? I do not believe they do. Wake-up calls are taken only when a crisis develops.

Worse than having an unhappy employee is the fact of not knowing having one; this is a dangerous bug. If survival of your team is your responsibility, then you need to learn to locate the fuse and fix it before the grenade blows up.

The clues would be there. It is a matter of recognizing them. The first clue is uncharacteristic behaviour. This is something very difficult to hide. Very few people are good enough actors to hide their dissatisfaction if they are feeling it. If they are not happy, they want the world to know and share their grouse. There is self-pity here somewhere. Circumstances and their position may not be right and the employee would hopefully be intelligent enough to know this. So he will bide his time but small subconscious patterns will leak out from under the cloak. For instance, avoiding conversation and taking too long to finish a given job. Knowingly allowing mistakes to creep into the final work and having excuses ready for it, which can be construed as passive un-cooperation.

The company of this person somehow becomes uncomfortable. You have to sense it but it is difficult to describe. Things like forced laughter, missing out in conversation, daydreaming and increased arguing can be pointers. Unfortunately there are many who are made that way in their best self and it is my opinion that they rarely make good employees or partners anyway.

Another clue is dropping-out behaviour. Coming late and leaving early on some pretext or the other; reporting sick more often than would be normal. These are clues that one cannot argue about but should certainly raise some eyebrows.

Once the situation has been recognized the second step is to do something about it. So focus on the problem person. Does the job really interest him? Or is he passing time till he finds another? Losing interest in one’s job is normal. A new employment is a new challenge and comes with rosy pictures of advancement and who knows what. Once on the treadmill, it does not seem this way. Many others are already in the Q. People with overestimated self-worth are the first hit with negative surmises and easily persuade themselves that they are good but the system is bad. Soon they even isolate the ones they think are the source behind their delayed advancement. In this atmosphere they soon become a discordant note to every tune. They need ego boosts. Make them feel important. If this is difficult, I really don’t know what you can do except to ask them to leave.

Regardless of all the above, it would still be a good idea to wonder if you as the employer did not give your disgruntled employee wrong ideas about the job when employing him. Perhaps you dangled a too big a carrot. The employee therefore is quite right in feeling resentful. Your art would be in curing him of this feeling. Try to put in some effort to help him up the ladder otherwise he will only become progressively more resentful and unknowingly or knowingly he will surely hurt the organization sometime sooner or later; most probably sooner rather than later. Positive feedback can do wonders to morale.

An important factor is that the employee may really be right in feeling the way he feels. The job condition can very well dictate negative behaviour. For example take the complaint-box in a service provider company like the MTNL. The employee does not make the rules nor is he responsible for the service but he has to listen to the abuse day in and out. Obviously if his contribution is not appreciated and he is continuously treated as a mere employee of no importance, he is going to be a very unhappy person indeed. And, if you think he cannot hurt the organization in anyway, you have got a thing coming.

Besides all this, there may be other factors at play in his personal life. Like a mismatch in marriage, financial difficulties, illness, pressures in the family and so many other possibilities. Here wisdom dictates, some attention from the manager and wherever possible assistance to overcome difficult moments in life. Just listen to your employee as a friend without being the boss and you will be surprised at what he can tell you. Don’t ask leading questions, just sympathize and do not react. Very few human beings can really cope with everything that life throws at us. So, develop empathy and help your team and they will help the organization to grow in turn.

The answer to this predicament is in developing a stable persona which is true to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing his job, you should have said so in a normal way right at the first instance. If you kept silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After that if he began to take this as normal and took you for granted, why should he not? It never would have occurred to him that he was in the wrong. He most probably thought everything was just fine and that he was doing a good job because nobody was ever complaining.

This subject has been on my mind lately because my wife has the tendency to take the same attitude. She never shows her true feelings. She keeps silent and lets others do whatever they want at home and at work. Then one day (approximately after six months) she will burst out in anger not only complaining, but being abusive as well. I have been trying to drum this into her that she should not allow a wound to fester. Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavoury situation to get off the ground. A stitch in time saves nine. So much heart break and ill will can be avoided by complaining softly before egos get involved. This can be called being tactful.

Some blame for such a situation can be laid on our upbringing and education. We are taught to be ‚Äònice’, polite and kind. We are taught that good manners are better than being truthful and straightforward. So, there is a gap between what we want to do and what we do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.

We humans, tend to gravitate between extremes, highly influenced by the weather, TV, neighbours and all that we hear and see. Our behaviour tends to be very inconsistent indeed. This is the entire focus of the teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo. First integrate your personality into a cohesive whole and then you will know exactly what to do, what attitude and action to take.