The male version ends with the male voice-over saying how the woman started to get too close and it was time to move on. The female version ends with the female voice-over claiming that the best way for her to move on is to start getting closer and closer to the man until he gets so claustrophobic that he flees. When he runs out, the girl closes the door, cries, “Whoopee!” She then takes off the man’s shirt and throws it into a bin, which has the Move On logo branded on it.

Essentially, these ads are supposed to showcase two sides of a same situation and how each one wanted to move on from a relationship and how they both think they have managed it. In fact, I would not even call it a relationship as it is portrayed more like a brief fling! Obviously it does reflect the shifting goal posts of the younger generation with regard to relationships and physical intimacy. The brand seems to be leveraging the orientation of the current generation. But, is it also endorsing and maybe even reinforcing such a value system?

This seems to be in line with the current trend of ‘instant everything.’ Which means one does not delve deeper and is content with grazing at the edges. Can relationships also be managed in a similar way? One gets into a relationship without adequate thought, enjoy the fun times and then, move on?

If everyone wanted to move on after the fun and games, who would be around for each other in moments of agony and pain? Is that why so many youngsters were lost and depressed in the downturn? And many even contemplated taking their lives?

The flip side to this argument is the conditioning of the older generations which prepared them to stand by each other through thick and thin. Many times this led to enduring an unfulfilling or dead relationship but they contemplated the bigger picture of family preservation and companionship in the long run. In today’s context of intense competition and high stress lives, is it really better to cultivate the ‘move on’ orientation with regard to relationships?

Most importantly, move on to what and where? The old adages of the grass being greener on the other side and a bird in hand being worth more than two in the bush, are still relevant, even today. It would be great if people were to contemplate the emotional and spiritual repercussions of disposable relationships and shallow commitments. Maybe such introspection might motivate them to start developing deeper and more meaningful relationships instead of moving on, all the while. After all, as another popular saying goes, a rolling stone gathers no moss!

Once in a restaurant when the waiter was obviously ignoring this rude customer whose hissing calls were beginning to get on everyone’s nerves, I turned to the hissing man and asked him what was he trying to accomplish? Could he not use words and gestures instead of making that awful noise? Was he aware that he was being very rude to the waiter and the patrons who were eating there? Imagine my shock when he calmly said his behaviour was perfectly acceptable. He pointed out that there was no other way to catch the waiter’s attention because he did not know his name. I pointed out to him that the waiters had name badges and or otherwise he could use the generic term of “waiter” or be polite and say “excuse me.” Obviously I was wasting of my breath because nothing I said was heeded.

But why do humans behave choose to behave in this offensive way?

One obvious thing is that it seems to be a perfectly acceptable type of behavior amongst certain groups of people and they are actually surprised when anyone points out that “tsk-tsk” is not a respectable way to address any human beings and even some animals might snap at one’s finger is this were done to them.

The larger issue is the true lack of respect towards another human being, especially those who are rendering a service.

I completely agree with the film Munnabhai MBBS wherein the hero advises a young girl regarding a prospective groom, over a radio talk show. Reacting to a query on how one’s character could be judged in a few minutes meeting, the hero says, “Observe how he calls out to the waiter. If he says, ‘excuse me’ or something like that it’s fine. On the other hand if he snaps his finger and says, ‘tsk-tsk’, don’t waste your time and walk out.”

How I wish that that we legally throw out people who “tsk-tsk” in a hotel, restaurant or for the matter anywhere!

It was a quiet Sunday morning and I was fast asleep, hoping to get up very late. Suddenly I felt my wife shaking me awake, gushing excitedly about something that sounded like “elephant” to my sleepy brain. Contrary to what some people think, India does not have an elephant or a snake charmer around every corner. In fact in most cities, children would not even know a snake charmer if they met one!

So, the word elephant was enough to pique my curiosity and wake me up. I then realized that she was telling me that an elephant was standing in our street, having just got down from a truck. I guess mere mortals have to do with a bus, however a truck can be the only means of transport for this giant, majestic creature. I got up, intending to take a quick look at the elephant and then return to sleep after a few minutes.

True enough there was this elephant munching away on odd fruits that the children in the neighborhood were offering her with delight. The caretaker (who subsequently turned out not to be one) was shooing away everyone saying it was dangerous to come too close. After offering some fruits, I left telling them that they could call upon me if anything was required as we lived at the end of the street.

By that time, sleep was long gone so I proceeded to go through my morning routine. While so engaged I heard my spouse banging on the bathroom door and telling me that I had some visitors. Now, we live on the ground floor of an apartment building and when I walked out of the room, I almost fainted at the sight of this elephant blocking the balcony doors with its massive bulk. For a few seconds I thought that she might actually break down some walls to enter the apartment. The actual mahout and caretaker was waiting to meet me and requested some water to bathe the elephant. And so started that unforgettable Sunday. Obviously the “little water” was not not a small amount by any stretch of imagination.

For the next couple of hours the elephant luxuriated in having a leisurely, well scrubbed bath and a pedicure! Then which she was made up as carefully as any beauty queen; we watched in fascination as her forehead and face were painted with unusual decorations.

In the meantime we had organized for a few kilos of vegetables which were promptly gobbled down by her.

I became 5 years old again and spent the entire time scrubbing the elephant, running around her, taking pictures and finally sitting atop her after she had finished her bath. She was sweet enough to indulge me and lived up to the label of a gentle giant.

We learnt that the elephant was Ms. Shyamala Devi who hailed from Swamimalai, a small town in southern Tamil Nadu. She had come to Chennai to grace a wedding with her distinguished presence and ending up gracing up our home for an entire morning.

Oh what an unforgettable experience, being Mowgli for a few hours!

One such input is the Three Bucket Theory and I think this is relevant to a lot of others out there in the world and so would like to share this with everyone. Here goes!

A typical career spans three decades plus starting from the 20’s and going on till the 50’s. These thirty odd years should be split up into three buckets or segments of ten years each.

In the First Bucket, one needs to focus on learning. This learning should be all encompassing and not self limiting in any manner. One should have an open mind and learn about the working styles, organization styles, people, communication, teams, practical tips, etc. In short anything new and unknown needs to be explored and learnt in depth. Herein lies an inherent trap. Most youngsters who start their career are educated and have spent a past decade and a half learning or rather studying. Often, they mistake this studying to be a substitute for learning and more dangerously act as if there is very little if at all anything left to learn.

I quote an old Tamil adage: “What one learns is usually a fistful, whereas what is left to be learnt is an entire universe”. Anyone operating with this thought during the first bucket would stand to benefit immensely in the other buckets. A word of caution though — remember learning never stops throughout life. However, during the First Bucket the focus should be consciously on learning and not on designations, compensations, matching up to peers, besting colleagues, etc.

During the Second Bucket one has the opportunity to become an expert. If there has been extensive learning in the First Bucket one would be clear about all strengths and weaknesses and also is in a position to judge which of the learning can be leveraged best for personal success.

Becoming an expert requires one to have extensive and intensive experience in the field of choice, spanning first hand front line experience to overall strategic exposure. This gives one a true perspective and makes one an expert and also nurtures a deep rooted maturity with regards to all expertise.

Again during the Second Bucket the focus should be on exploring opportunities which allow in-depth exposure to fine tune expertise and one should not necessarily be driven by monetary or other considerations.

If these two phases are managed well and one develops true deep rooted expertise, the Third Bucket is the easiest part of a successful career. In this Bucket, one needs to work towards personal branding by sharing acquired expertise in public forums and through professional networks. When this is done properly all kinds of success including material prosperity follows even if one does not wish for the same.

Given the increasing life expectancy nowadays, I have added a Fourth Bucket to this theory. During the fourth phase one should consciously work towards giving back to the society. It could be by sharing one’s expertise and experience for public good through NGOs or with promising youngsters to create a better future.

My personal view is that there is no success formula and as such this should not be taken as gospel truth. This is a direction. Take it, craft it, mould it to suit your personality and hopefully you would create your own version of the Three Bucket Theory as pass it on to others.

The funny part is that I have seen a few of these faces busily waiting for their baggage at the carousel and I use the words ‘busily waiting’ because of the impatience they telegraph through their actions and gestures. On one hand I am tempted to ask them which company they work for or own and invest in that organization. Because, all said and done, such intense effort would have rewards, right?

On the other hand I am also tempted to find out which organization they work for and try to decipher how much of this enforced urgency is actually productive and how it helps them, their team and the organization. Is this a function of our modern society where action is rewarded over inaction, even if the action might be counter productive? Or, is this a manifestation of insecurity and the projected ‘busyness’ is assumed to create an image of contribution, productivity and success to feel important and impress others?

My personal view is that this is more a reflection of a jumbled thought process and every new thought, memory jogged, stimuli received is enough to activate a fresh, new frenzy of action! Introspection and concentration are obvious casualties. Serenity is of course not to be considered at any point in time.

Lastly, such orientation is more reactive and feeds on itself to become repetitive, and deliberate, carefully measured responses no longer feature in the scheme of things. Every time, I am on a flight or elsewhere and I see these very busy people, I feel like holding up a huge sign in red saying “STOP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH!” Focus, concentrate and direct your thought, energy and action.

I am reminded of the advice Arjuna got in archery, when aiming at a bird’s eye. He was told that there is nothing else in the universe excepting the bird’s eye. Even the bird should cease to exist in the archer’s mind. Only then will the aim be true and the arrow hit the mark. A simple enough lesson followed more as an exception than as a rule. Most probably the modern day Arjuna might have a laptop with a telescope to aim at the target, while checking mail and also answering an important call through his blue tooth hands free. And most probably, he might be posting his status updates on Facebook and Twitter saying, “Aiming for the eye”. Most likely, the following status update would be, “Shucks, missed again”!

I am guilty of having been caught in the urgent versus important trap for many years, before I realized what an amazingly beguiling and addictive behavior this is and most importantly how completely useless and unproductive such an orientation can be.

Let me share this little secret and hope this helps you in your life and more importantly helps you in becoming more effective and successful.

Urgency is an emotion. The online MacMillan dictionary defines it as “the feeling of wanting something very much or wanting it immediately”. It can also be called as a pressure of necessity. But, is it usually a necessity? Urgency in most cases is externally driven and is a state of mind created by demands, pressures, timelines, etc. I am not saying that there is nothing called as urgent or that it is a mirage. When one is choking or someone is experiencing a heart attack, there can be no mistake, remedial measures are urgently required.

However, in most cases, the urgency one experiences or sees another person going through is externally induced and can definitely be handled more effectively if one weren’t responding blindly or in haste.

Importance on the other hand is an underlying fact. Usually it is long term and requires much thought and lot of effort to accomplish an important task or achievement. An obvious example is one’s health. We all know it is important and the bedrock of almost everything we do in life. Yet, the urgency of several external factors tends to make us neglect and ignore this important thing till it becomes a problem and turns into being urgent as well as important.

This brings me to the third dimension, urgent and important. Some things are such and usually require priority attention. Unfortunately most of us are never taught to understand this concept and apply appropriate responses. Therefore, our responses are usually prioritized based on external stimuli and therefore urgent things usually take front seat while some important things tend to get ignored till they either lose their relevance or become urgent and important.

I can go on and on about how this lack of clarity sabotages several facets of a persons life. Suffice to say that the sooner one learns to differentiate between urgent and important and prioritize accordingly, the better their lives would be.

A simple tool to do this is to plot urgency and importance on two sides of a table. One would get four quadrants –
Urgent but not Important
Urgent and Important
Important but not Urgent
Neither Urgent nor Important
Situations in quadrant 1 and 4 can easily distract a person, steal productive time, and end up creating larger problems over a period of time if given undue importance and focus. Unfortunately, this often happens because this is usually externally influenced and often by someone in a position of authority or power. Take a simple example. A student is writing an exam and the invigilator keeps shouting out that only so many minutes are left. This sense of urgency often leads the student to miss out on some important thing in the haste to complete. This happens quite often in most work situations. Over a period of time important things tends to get neglected as everyone keeps tackling urgent tasks and slips into being reactive instead of proactive.

So, next time someone comes up and tell you that something is urgent, pause and think before rushing off into action.

Anything that we do or embark upon is predicated on three elements: Time, Competency and Energy or Capability. For anyone to manage any task successfully these three elements should be aligned and balanced in such a way that there is no conflict and they seamlessly integrate to produce the desired results. In most cases one or more of these elements are either ignored or assumed to be adequate. Let me illustrate with a simple example. Supposing someone decided to travel between two cities in a car and agreed to complete the journey in an hour then he/she would require two other variables namely driving skills and a competency to navigate the journey as also the energy in terms of the driver’s energy and capability to drive as also the car’s capability to complete the journey within the said time.

Supposing the driver was not competent or did not know the road or perhaps the car was not in a good condition and would stop every so often, the objective of completing the journey in an hour becomes a burden. In this context, racing against the time limit of one hour becomes increasingly stressful till some of the existing capabilities or competency is also compromised. Under stress the driver takes a wrong turn or pushes the car too hard and it breaks down.

Regardless, one is always racing against a time limit and never against time. Time marches along in solitary splendor, gathering everyone’s efforts on the way and leaving behind the success or failures in its wake.

Is there a better way to manage this race?

Of course there is. The alternative is to be realistic in balancing the three variables mentioned above and ensuring that each of them is optimally poised to form perfect balance. But, first it starts with accepting realistic time limits. For that to happen, one needs to be aware of one’s capabilities, competencies, strengths and more importantly weaknesses. In other words, one needs to know his/her true self and not be carried away by the image one projects to the outside world.

When one balances these elements successfully and works towards maximizing each of these elements, then the whole thing works in perfect harmony. Time is utilized well. Competencies and capabilities are directed towards productive use. Energy is directed towards achieving success. One should not assume that I am advocating complacency. I am not. All I am saying is when one works with a well balanced mix towards an optimum time limit, success has a higher probability. Repeated success creates a success formula and then one tends to learn how to stretch themselves and grow.

Time management has more to do with managing one’s capabilities, competencies and expectations than managing time by itself. The best time management exercise is to be aware of time and respect its absoluteness and align other variables to better leverage this powerful factor.

Ideally, like all wheels, the line joining all the rating points needs to form a circle. The smoother the circle, the more well balanced it is. The more jagged the outline is, the less of a balance is there in the work-life situation. Of course one could still have a balanced wheel but one which is small and might want to enlarge it. In other words, one might want to achieve more in all facets of life. However, care should be taken to ensure that there is overall progression otherwise the balance would be lost.

Once I finished explaining this, this person exclaimed that this method was used often to analyze issues in the office. This set me thinking. We all go through life learning new skills on a regular basis. Then for most, the learning falls by the wayside or is used only in certain instances. An obvious example is the vast number of people in management who learn and practice skills like time management, communication skills, team building, etc. on a daily basis. However, these are usually packed away safely in a briefcase or laptop bag the minute one leaves the office.

In their personal lives these skills are rarely used! I wonder why?

Is it because these are taught in the context of business and work and individuals are confused on how to apply them to their personal lives? Or is there an implied expectation that personal and family life would take care of itself, while work and colleagues need to be managed! Whatever be the reason, this is absurd. I have seen experienced finance professionals whose personal finances are in a mess, renowned leaders of large teams whose children don’t seem to find any common connect with them, and so on.

My view is that as individuals we need to access and inventory each skill that we have as an invaluable asset. Just like how no asset is left to idle and waste away but instead deployed to maximize returns, similarly each skill needs to be used extensively. A simple idea would be to prepare an inventory of skills/competencies and then prepare a listing of all possible areas to apply the same in personal and professional arenas. Once done, this inventory needs to be referred to regularly to ensure that each skill is being utilized in every possible situation and scenario. Needless to say, the inventory would require frequent review and updates.

My guess is that such an approach might not only help bring better balance and well-being in the varied facets of a person’s life, but actually help hone their skills and make them better for it! There are some who might say that this practice would rob personal relationships of their spontaneity and warmth. Maybe, maybe not. But, even that can be managed by using the right sets of skills.

An expatriate who was working on a special project discovered a rather shocking cost cutting measure one day. The lack of tissue paper and toilet rolls in the toilets. He then started to carry his own toilet roll, which was placed on a corner of his desk. Was it a great thing to see during meetings?

The most hilarious example involves a person coordinating travel arrangements. The instructions were to look for and book the lowest fare in the time window indicated. One of my friends who was travelling overseas was awakened up at an odd hour by the travel coordinator who was calling to find out if my friend were willing to travel in a later flight because it ended up costing a few hundred rupees less than the the first flight. While relating this incident, my friend mentioned that he did not have the heart to tell the travel coordinator that he had spent far more in his international roaming call, simply because he was so serious and earnest. What can I say?

There are numerous other examples like regularly used cabs with negotiated and discounted rates being withdrawn and instead people having to use a call taxi or public cab and pay much more. There is the practice of switching off the air conditioner in certain stores in the afternoon as fewer customers are there. Unfortunately by evening the store is inundated with such a stale stench that no one wants to shop there.

This makes me wonder if there is a genuine intent to cut costs or if some manager is mindlessly following instructions from higher up so that he/she can report the change as “an action point” in review meetings. Do people view the sum total of all these control and cost cutting measures? Invariably steps in this direction involve multiple approvals, justifications, filling up forms and so on. Has anyone studied the time and effort wasted in this versus the actual savings made? Not to mention the additional expenses being incurred on the side while trying to do cost cutting!

Would it not be easier if every employee were told that the average cost per employee is “$X” much and as a team we all need to bring it down? Let individual initiative drive the effort. Instead, most such initiatives are implemented with little thought to ground level realities and the result – penny wise, pound foolish!

Common sense – where art thou? Has the downturn driven you into exile or has it killed you?

The normal human instinct and reaction is to lash out and let loose the anger and frustration that such situations obviously release. It is quite natural for anyone in such situation to feel alone, bereft and angry.
It is at this juncture that one needs to remember, “How is it relevant?”. Let’s replay the scenes with the ‘how is it relevant’ context.

Scene 1. “The boss is firing the hell out of a person and the person is miserable”. The boss has been a great enabler in the past and will be so again. So, how is it relevant that he is angry now? Or, the boss has been an insecure joker and anyways, you are looking out for a job, so how is it relevant? Anyways, nowadays, we don’t spend our lives in a single job and definitely not with a single boss. So, how is it relevant?

Scene 2. “The boss is miserable because the subordinate is not delivering”. The boss has had several subordinates and will have many more. If the subordinate does not deliver, move on. How is it relevant? A leader needs to do their best to get the team to deliver and grow. However, if the team is following Murphy’s Law of having risen to the heights of their incompetence, what can an individual do? How is it relevant?

Scene 3. “The entrepreneur is spending a sleepless night because of tough calls required that would impact everyone’s life negatively in the short term”. Either the promoter has focussed on the welfare of people before or not. If the welfare has not been the focus, the tough call is a confirmation of the promoter’s selfishness, else it’s a reaffirmation of the promoter’s focus on the overall good and growth of the team and organisation. Sleepless nights; How is it relevant?

Scene 4. “A friend or a partner fights with you for no reason and one wonders what happened?” Like the promoter example, there have been great times before or not. If there exist memories of great times, then how is the fight relevant? If not and you are going to move on, again how is the fight relevant?

Every event in our life is but a turning point. The fork we choose is based on what has happened before as also the fact that nothing is permanent.

So, getting too involved in the present and getting too involved, especially negatively is just not worth the time and effort. Ask someone who has lived long enough and most situations in life would evoke a memory of having handled it by saying “How is it relevant?”.

We often realise this in hindsight. My suggestion is to use this approach through life and make better choices with regards to how we react to situations. Hope you enjoyed this article. Anyways, “How is it relevant?”

I enjoyed sharing this thought!

I recall the haunting song in the hindi film Masoom, which has this line, ‘Tujse naaraaz nahin zindagi, hairaan hoon mein. Pareshan hoon mein. Jeena ke liye, socha hi nahin, dard sambhaline hongein’. This means, “I am not angry with you, life. Just puzzled and vexed. I never thought that, to live, one would have to handle pain”.

At the end of the college admission season in India, there is a quite sense of bewilderment in the minds of most children and also parents. In spite of the stated admission criteria by various colleges, one gets to hear of stories that qualify for “Ripley’s Believe It or Not”.

A supposedly reputed college ranked on the top in several disciplines has a very strict admission procedure. Recently I heard that students scoring 90% plus were passed over and those with significantly lower marks were shortlisted. I wonder why or how. Maybe, they believe in the “Mata, Pita, Guru, Deivam” philosophy. Which is first is one’s mother, and then the father and then the guru and only lastly is God. Assuming that one cannot understand God and needs to accept the thought and presence of God, maybe this college follows the amalgamation of these ideas!

What is the effect on the mind of a hard working top-scoring student when he hears such instances? Will there not be questions about the relevance of hard work or faith in the system? Will such individuals be motivated to further persevere and put in increasingly hard work to progress in life? Won’t the theme from the Masoom song haunt their thoughts?

It will. I am sure not only in India or with regards to college admissions. This is a pattern that often is seen in many lives and a person has two choices. To give up or go on.

When youngsters ask me this question in all innocence and full of pain, I tell them a few things:
1.    Life is not fair. At least not always.
2.    You have to pick up, dust yourself and move on or be defeated by lies, corruption, dishonesty, etc.
3.    The world is made better, because there are courageous people who get up and run the race again.
4.    Winning is more about being in the race and not giving up.

As parents we all face many such instances when the innocent faces of our children turn towards us in confusion and filled with innocent questions for which we have no answers. My suggestion is to be frank and tell them that life does not always have answers. But, one needs to “keep walking” as the advertisement for a famous whiskey says.

I am now reminded of another hindi song, an oldie; “Musafir hoon yaaron, na ghar hain, na thikana, mujhe chalte jana hain, Bas. Chalte jana”. Which means, I am a traveller with no home or destination to speak of. I just need to keep walking and getting along.

In a family where communication has not been encouraged and allowed to flourish, this becomes a bubbling volcano. Soon it erupts, ignited usually by the youngsters as the elders are conditioned to control emotions and reactions.

As parents, our fears are about demands that can’t be met and the disappointments that follow. No parent wants to see his/her offspring hurt and therefore we try steer them into safer harbours. The ships of youth however, are not interested in safety. They hastily unfurl their sails to test the winds and its intimidating challenges, many of which are new to the reality of their parents. Parents as helmsmen keep shouting out words of caution. While the youth says, “Let go, let go.”

Should one let go or not, is the crore rupee question. (Hopefully this would replace “the million dollar question” saying that is popular in western countries). At the end of the day, each is the master of his/her destiny. So, if one has taught the child well and he/she has grown up with common sense and a responsible value system, it is probably time to graduate from parenthood and let go.

Surely as the sun rises in the east, they will fall and hurt themselves. It is still the best time-tested way to acquire maturity and wisdom. But, your teaching, good examples and instilled value system will help them to recover their balance and climb back in stride again.

That’s the true treasure and inheritance you leave behind. If they did not learn how to be resilient while accepting life’s dualities and inevitable disappointments, all material legacies would be useless.

So, if you have prepared them for the mix of challenges, joys and disappointments that are pureed into life then you have grown up, as a father or mother or parents! Now, you have the luxury of regressing into youth again and having a ball! Of course, a part of you will always be there to catch them if they fall and can’t find their way back up. But until then enjoy your graduation from parenthood and take life easy with some cream and sugar.

Yet, they sell and many become best sellers. I wonder who buys these books and what do they do with them? If the books do work, there should be a gradual decline in demand for them as people would be succeeding in achieving their goals.

One reason could be that people read these books, but few bother to practice what is recommended. But I think there is a majority who do implement the suggestions but yet they continue to seek out the next self help book that comes along. Why is that?

My theory is that successful people have a formula, but there is nothing that should be considered a universal success formula.

Each one of us is unique and we have varying strengths and weaknesses in our abilities and personalities. Some of us are excellent in planning and leading a structured life, while some cannot function without a chaotic environment.

I am reminded of the Tamil silent film Pesum Padam which starred Kamal Hassan. In one scene when he is trying to sleep, he is unable to do so because he misses the cacophony of his old neighborhood. So, he makes a recording of the ambient sounds and plays it to fall asleep. Had he picked up a book instead, titled How to fall asleep! — can you imagine what would have happened? The book might have suggested all the usual things like avoid coffee or have a cup of warm milk closer to bedtime and so on. I am positive, that the book would not have had a chapter that deals with recording your neighborhood sounds and playing it back to fall asleep!

We are individuals made up of millions of components like looks, voice, height, education, etc and our personality is a sum total of all these elements. Therefore to leverage our personality to pursue success requires a very deep understanding of our constituents and the role each plays.

No doubt the self help books help by indicating possible action points to aid in a person’s development and success. However, for these to work, one needs to first understand oneself completely. Otherwise it would be like giving a map marked in Greek to someone who knows only English. One would feel that one knows where he is heading, but in reality would be completely lost.

For any self help book to be really useful one first needs to understand one’s own personal success formula.

A few things one can do towards developing the personal success formula are:

1. List all instances of achievements and success. It could be something small like wrangling a freebie at a store or a major achievement like earning a degree.
2. List all the elements that went into it in terms of effort, timing, your interaction, the reactions, how the reactions were managed, etc.
3. Look for common threads in all these instances and identify if you repeat the same knowingly or unknowingly.
4. Finally validate this by repeating the first 2 steps for all those times when things did not go well or you were unsuccessful.

This exercise would help identify and make you aware of the uniqueness that you bring to the table. It could something as simple as a smile or a sincere look. Maybe when you smile, your face transforms and communicates something powerful. Once a person has this insight and knowledge about himself then, applying self help action points becomes easier. And more importantly you will start to repeat some action points that enhance your uniqueness and eliminate the others that are counter productive. From this state of awareness, your personal success formula will emerge and take form.

People who know this and are scripting their success formulas also read self help books. It is just that they don’t blindly try to follow instructions. They pick and choose from each and craft their own success formula.
Lastly, one should never try passing on a personal success formula to anyone because most probably it might not work. Like I said, every successful person has a formula, but there are no success formulas.

What about the fallout from this downturn and how will it affect employers, employees and the overall economy in the coming years?

This recession has been a huge shock; emotionally, financially, in fact in every sense of the word. Painful enough for the young and old alike to resort to suicide as an extreme step.

From an individual’s perspective, this has been the time to accept uncertainty as a fact of life. But, this has been particularly difficult for those who have long-term goals and prefer the stability of lifetime commitments to one employer or institution. Within such a context, having to accept uncertainty and potential threats to their economic and social well-being is making them uncomfortable and anxious, particularly when the risks are not understood or are imposed by others. When faced with these variables, the ability to carefully analyse risks or develop creative coping strategies in a formal way can be undermined.

Taken positively, this downturn is an excellent life lesson which again reinforces that human relationships and spirituality are far stronger foundations on which to build our lives than materialism and money. However, how many practice positive thinking is a matter of conjecture.

My concern is that the main casualties of this downturn would be the loyalty and trust that people have traditionally placed in organizations where they are employed. Casual job changing or hopping is a fairly recent phenomenon, at least in India and that too is limited to a few industries. Even today there are many people who have spent their entire lives in an organization. How would this affect employee loyalty in organizations that have restructured with right sizing exercises?

This makes me wonder, who is priority in a downturn? The loyal, long serving employees or the stock market players who buy the share when it goes up and sells the same when the company faces any issue? In many cases the frantic cost cutting exercises within organizations is not an act of survival but a strategy to protect the financial forecasts made, with an eye on the price of the shares. In that context, is it prudent to please the stock market or ensure that employee loyalty and trust are rewarded?

Are we creating more stock market players instead of loyal, productive employees in the society?

Their swimming around actually reminds me of children or infants, who are also lost in their own world, gurgling and just enjoying the existence. Every time I watch them, the thought of a 3 minute memory span comes to my mind and I wonder if that is actually a blessing in disguise.

Just imagine if we all had such a short memory span:

We won’t remember past hurts and be sad.
We won’t remember wrongs done to us and plot revenge.
We won’t remember great times and miss them.
We won’t remember to hoard money and build assets and we will feel free to share what we have.
We won’t remember all that we have experienced and become jaded.
And of course we won’t remember all those telephone numbers and would not be on the phone, most of the time!

The child in us would be alive; innocent, curious and enjoying the simple things in life.
Maybe, the human mind and its potential is its own enemy. This thought is validated by great saints and seers who have said that the objective of meditation is to remove thought.

Thought is triggered by memories and external stimuli.

Incidentally, the 3 minute memory span is an urban myth. Recent studies show that goldfish can remember up to a time frame of 3 months.

Even then it is worth contemplating if we should pray for a memory span like that of a goldfish!

The man takes on the challenge and becomes very rich and successful. Krishna keeps appearing to check how happy he is with his acquisitions. The man insists that he is on top of the world in spite of the challenges.

Towards the end, the cycle changes and the man is down and popping a handful of pills when Krishna appears and asks him about his life. The man shows Krishna the pills and says that medicine is his food nowadays. Krishna then picks up the various medicines and reads out the names which all usually end as ‘mycin’ – Erthyromycin, Streptomycin and Tetramycin. He then says to the man: ” Oh, all MY SINS? You are only suffering for your sins!”

Interesting pun on words, but it holds a universal truth.

Today when I see the younger generation, they are in a hurry for instant gratification. Parents bemoan the fact that children are getting spoilt and losing traditional value systems. So, what exactly is the issue?
The issue lies with parents like us more than elsewhere. Let us forget the parent child labelling and discuss this matter from an objective perspective.

Imagine a young infant, whose mind is fresh, open, curious, and creative. What kind of conditioning is the environment and people around him/her offering? It is all about pushing oneself for success. It is not about hard work or effort. It is about success. It is about a particular result.

The individual develops into a typical ‘A’ type personality, high strung, tense and stressed out. Then he or she seeks emotional well being and health by spending money on medicines and doctors. But the individual is simply treating the symptoms. The root of the problem lies somewhere else.

Finally as old age approaches, after a lifetime of chasing success, this person is advised to meditate, take things easy and reflect on life. Are we not completely confusing ourselves and others?

Recently I had a spirited debate about another Tamil film Naan Kadavul. The debate focused on the belief that people who regularly say ‘Aham Brahmasmi’ can become God. My argument was along similar lines. Imagine a child being told that he is God and nothing else. Would that mind ever question it? Would that mind get distracted by anything else?

God is within all of us. This is advocated in every religious scripture including the Hindu spiritual texts. Instead of seeking God and peace outside of us we are advised to look for the Source of Life within us.

Why then, do people still have an issue with following this simple doctrine?

It is simply because our minds are not conditioned as such from childhood. Even God has become a “utilitarian and quantifiable goal” in our never-ending pursuit of success. Some have even branded God on this basis. There is a Hanuman temple in Chennai which is called “Bank Anjaneyar” as it is situated in the premises of a bank. It is also known as “Visa Anjaneyar!” Supposedly a visit is guaranteed to ensure a visa!

Some might argue that I am propagating laziness and suggesting that we should not be result-oriented. But that’s not the case. I believe that there is a very fine line between result-orientation and result-fixation.
Result-orientation enables a person to plan and deploy adequate resources towards that objective. Whereas, if it becomes an obsession or fixation, the path becomes lost and then the ends justify the means.

We should teach our children simpler but more profound things about life. We should teach them emotional skills. They should be exposed to meditation, yoga and spiritual values. We should also teach them to focus their efforts on important worldly goals. But they should also be taught to accept the results that come at the end. This habit of acceptance would help make people more resilient to the pressures of modern life and generally improve the quality of life all around.

Being a part of a team which was working with an NGO to put up an art show, I was organizing and coordinating the installation of panels. This show was being held in a leading 5 star hotel, where use of the hall was being allowed, free of charge. Hence, it was made available at the last possible moment as a paying guest’s function went on later than scheduled.

The artist was a famous modern artist and the patron of the show was a leading personality, well known for a volatile temper. So, one can imagine the stress levels of people putting up the panels who were desperate to avoid any mishap that could trigger a temper tantrum. Given the time constraints, instead of standing around, I decided to help by hanging some paintings. Just when I was through with two or three of the paintings, the patron walked in with the artist. Their flight had arrived early, confirming my conviction that Murphy’s law does in fact exist and affects my reality.

Thankfully most of the work was done and there was not much chance of any unexpected problems popping up. The artist was walking around admiring his work when suddenly he gave a yell and shouted, “Who has done this?” We all feared the worst and rushed to his side, expecting to see some tear or damage to the painting. After a few minutes of tense silence, during which we could discern nothing, someone ventured to ask what was was disturbing him.

Full of emotion, he very informed us of the tragedy…. someone had hung his painting upside down! That’s when I realized that the culprit was none other than yours truly. While I was trying to figure out how he knew that the painting was upside down, someone else voiced my question. The artist very scornfully pointed to a scrawl and said, “That’s my signature and it is always on the right hand bottom side of my art.”

I almost felt like Buddha as enlightenment dawned on me. I now knew how to discern if a painting were right side up. This meant, I would actually get to understand what the artist wanted to portray and not get a distorted, upside down perspective. Imagine that!

Once I got past my initial discomfiture, I actually began to look forward to helping organize an art show again. Unfortunately, I have never had an opportunity since then to use my newly minted education. I suspect that my ignorance was detected and has been telegraphed to all the artists, advising them to avoid my help.

Just in case there are others like me out there who have not heard of this, the Wallenda factor refers to the fear of falling or failing. Shortly after Karl Wallenda fell to his death in 1978 (traversing a 75-foot high wire in downtown San Juan, Puerto Rico), his wife, also an aerialist, discussed that fateful San Juan walk, “perhaps his most dangerous.” She recalled: “All Karl thought about for three straight months prior to it was falling. It was the first time he’d ever thought about that, and it seemed to me that he put all his energies into not falling rather than walking the tightrope.”

Mrs. Wallenda added that her husband even went so far as to personally supervise the installation of the tightrope, making certain that the guide wires were secure, something he had never thought of doing before. When Karl Wallenda poured his energies into not falling rather than walking the tightrope, he was virtually destined to fall.

I realized that most people and even organizations tend to develop this orientation over a period of time, especially when they become more successful. When one starts off life with little to lose, the focus is on trying new things, experimenting, taking risks. The focus is on learning, experiencing and growth. Usually this makes life richer, more interesting and lot of fun. One gets caught in a positive cycle which often is self sustaining.

For the average person, then comes marriage, children, monetary responsibilities, home loan EMI’s and a focus on savings. And along with it comes a shift in focus and orientation. Slowly the focus is on managing the unknown future, usually through a monetary cushion. This is the crux of the issue. We fear the unknown! I guess that’s the single largest reason why death inspires so much of discomfort and fear. One does not know for sure what lies on the other side.

So, with the change in focus the Wallenda Factor kicks in fully. One gets increasingly bogged down in avoiding failure.

The same can be said for many organizations. When they are in the start up stage, the focus is on success and usually they succeed. And then the focus shifts on sustaining the success or rather avoiding failure. This leads to less of innovation and experimentation and more of reviews and analysis. I remember a comment which aptly describes the latter behavior; “Driving while looking only in the rearview mirror”. Is it any wonder that accidents happen?

Over a period of time, one finds that the conversation centres increasingly around the good old days.
This has been discussed and debated in the leadership context in various publications and not succumbing to the Wallenda Factor is considered to be an important leadership trait.

I am more focused on how the average person can recognize and avoid this orientation to live a fuller and more meaningful life. If you are a victim of the Wallenda Factor, the following guidelines might be helpful:

Acceptance: Accept that the unknown will always be unknown.

Continued focus on learning: There is no greater fun than learning new things. A case in point is this article, which came about because I did not know something. Learning something keeps the mind agile and also diverted. It could be something to do with your line of work, art, craft or even just plain old whistling!

Constantly share and thereby enrich others: Sharing could be anything. Your knowledge, experiences, memories or money! The internet today has made sharing so much so easier. Don’t let the imagination die down.

In short, keep the child inside alive, well and kicking. Be curious, experiment and enjoy the journey.

To find out how other Ticklers and readers responded to these questions click here. If you would like to take this interview as well, mail us your answers at interview@tickledbylife.com. (we will publish only the best responses)

What is God?

Rajesh V: ME. Aham Bramhasmi. I believe and therefore I am! If everyone does that, the world would be a better place.

God or the Big Bang (or both)?

Rajesh V: God is reality. Big Bang happens when the trust goes away.

God or Darwin (or both)?

Rajesh V: God made Darwin and he has spread God’s word. We have misinterpreted Darwin. He only talks about evolution. Not creation!

God or Darfur? (How can Darfur happen if there is God?)

Rajesh V: Darfur can happen, because God is there. That’s the beauty of the karmic cycle. When we accept that, life becomes easy and simple.

Who is God’s God?

Rajesh V: Our children. God born again and not yet corrupted by conditioning. So, they are God’s God.

Will the real God please stand up? (Why do we have so many religions?)

Rajesh V: Everyone has to stand up. Religion is only a label. God is absolute and supreme. Even the so called religions describe each of their creators in a similar manner.

Is this just a big lab and are we just guinea pigs and God just a researcher?

Rajesh V: Lab and researcher is yet another label. It is all about experiences and learning. If we follow the karmic theory, we are responsible for our actions. So are we then the lab and the researcher? And until we understand the experiment, we keep taking birth again n again!!

Does unexplained phenomena = God?
Rajesh V: God and so many wise men have been explaining for so many years. Misunderstood is a better word!!

The statement struck a deep chord of identification with me as I experience it everyday. My son who is experiencing the very best and worst of teenhood at 17 is the self-proclaimed champion of teenagers. Facebook was his independent fiefdom till my wife discovered it and shortly thereafter I also signed on.

Recently he made a dire prediction that this would mark the migration of youngsters away from Facebook. He believes that Orkut lost its young members because older users were overpopulating the social network. Interesting perspective! I am waiting to see if his prediction would come true.

Meanwhile I was struck by the depth of the feeling with regards to oldsters venturing into the youngsters” domain!

I recall being a rebel and usually one without a cause in my teenage years. However I don’t recall having any such youngster space which could be or was violated. At best the school/ college culturals could be termed as a youngster’s zone. Also, our oldies a.k.a our parents were not too keen on participating in such events.
So, what is the key difference between the generations and how do we bridge and manage the great divide?

I often refer to my generation as the bullet speed generation. We went from AIR, Doordarshan to DTH and from the black rotary phone to I Phones in a space of 3 odd decades. We grew up conditioned by thrift, waiting one’s turn, patience, joint living, joint spaces, so on and so forth.

Whereas youngsters today are born with a remote in one hand and a mouse in the other. Possibly with a Bluetooth handsfree tucked in the ear, too! They cannot imagine a context where one would book a scooter and the delivery date was celebrated in the neighbourhood or that you had to book a trunk call and wait to be connected!

This generation was born with computers, personal space, youth spaces, youth icons and so on. They take the business of being young very seriously. The moot point is that what happened to people like me? Why am I in Facebook?

My perspective is that we are seeing too many things that are great fun and enjoyable and want to be a part of the scene. Having grown up in a relatively deprived context, the child or rather youth inside all of us wants a second chance in this fabulous new environment. It’s almost like Alice in Wonderland.

For the youngsters, the context today is a part of their evolving environment whereas I am wonder struck and want to experience this as much if not more. This has a dual implication. On one hand we are demonstrating that one can be young at heart and experience life regardless of age. I hope the youngsters of today grow old without letting go of the child in them. However, the downside is that most such indulgences are largely materialistic and usually consists of superficial interfaces. It has very little reinforcement of core values.

The concern is whether we are actually setting an example that should not be followed.

Why can’t we realize that voting is not optional? I consider it to be the most important duty that a citizen has to discharge towards his/her country. And yet most educated people are complacent about this important duty.

The most common excuse, and it is only an excuse, is that the system is so far gone and it’s not worth the effort. Even assuming that there is merit in that thought, the logical question is – who should stem the tide and make a difference? Are we waiting for someone to come along and miraculously change the system? Can foreigners sweep away corruption and bring in change?

All this, while most of us sit comfortably in our homes on voting day enjoying some recreation or outside seeking entertainment! Of course, these same individuals will be the first to forward petition mails, post comments on networking sites and lament about the sad state of politics in India. Pure armchair activism, which does not cost them anything.

In retail, there is a concept called ‘range rationalization’ which is done to improve sales and margins. Very simply put, at periodic intervals the products are reviewed and those with poor sales and/ or margins are replaced with products giving better results. How does that help? It slowly improves the average and soon the bar is raised.

Similarly, unless we all go out and vote for the best of the worst that we have, how will the standards improve? The change we want to see happen might not happen in this election or the next or even the next. But, it will happen and we along with our children and grand children will experience the effects. Slowly the message will get through and the system will change. Rome was not built in a day. However it would have never been built if everyone had just stood around lamenting!

The other excuse frequently heard is, “I don’t have my voter identification card.” When one starts a career and the company asks for the PAN number, don’t people get it in a day?

When we want a driving license, don’t we bribe or engage a broker and get that immediately?

When we want a passport urgently for that holiday, do we lament that we don’t have it or do we somehow organize it?

What’s the difference between all these documents and the photo identification card? Simply put, we think that there is no immediate or tangible personal benefit to be gained from having one. So, why take the trouble of chasing after the governmental staff to get the card.

I agree that getting the card is nothing short of a miracle nowadays. I have personally experienced the frustration by giving in my picture FOUR times, only to be told afterwards that there is no photo on file. I have repeatedly filled out forms, got them endorsed and submitted them. Yes, it is a pain. But can’t we expend even that effort towards bettering the system?

On the other hand, if there is a new rule that the photo identification card would be the only accepted identity document accepted for transactions, starting from purchase of a vehicle, I am sure that there would be a stampede to get the same. One might even see brokers setting up shop to facilitate “the quick delivery” of these cards.

During the first few rounds of polling, I spoke to a few friends asking them if they had voted. One of them confirmed that he made time to do his civic duty, first thing in the morning before taking a flight to Delhi for work. I felt encouraged by his commitment and patriotism. Unfortunately most others had only excuses!
When will we stop giving excuses and turn up to vote? When will this apathetic attitude change?

India desperately needs your vote. When will we realize that we must be the change we want to see? And one vote – your vote – can actually make a difference.

Reread these preceding three lines and let them sink into your mind.

See you at the polls. Okay?

However, the journey had several interesting moments of insights, learning and fond memories. The most interesting insight which led to my being able to relate well not only to my children but also to youngsters happened a year ago, when my son was hospitalized with a cocktail of infections and illnesses. He managed to come down with chikungunya, dengue and malaria! The doctor advised immediate hospitalization and promptly he was bundled and taken to a reputable hospital managed by a Christian missionary.

We had requested for a separate room and when we walked in, the first thing my son noticed was that there was no television! I had to promptly go back and enquire if we could bring our portable set. I was told that there was another set of rooms which were equipped with televisions that would cost marginally more. We requested one of those rooms and moved in my son.

Even while my spouse was putting things into place, my son wanted the television to be switched on and remote given to him. After hunting for the remote and making enquiries with a nurse, I went back to tell him that there was no remote. So, I was made the honorary remote and had to stand next to the television in order to change channels.

After a few minutes of frantic channel surfing, realization dawned that there was no cable feed and the only channels available were the government run channels, which have never topped the charts when it comes to infotainment. My son slumped over quite disappointed. In an effort to cheer him, I said “This is what we had while growing up because it was all that was available.” I can still recall the look of absolute disbelief and pity that he gave me.

Having been absolved of my duties as a tv remote, I spent a lot of time thinking about that incident and had some amazing insights.

Firstly, the generation I belong too has seen the maximum number of change with regards to lifestyle, technology, social norms, etc. I guess that has made this generation far more flexible, resilient and able to manage change.

Secondly, my children’s generation is an ‘Arrived’ one. Especially in the Indian context, their generation has not experienced shortage, rationing, lack of choice, etc. They have been exposed to technology, innovation and convenience almost from birth. This has led to the current trend of instant gratification.

Obviously, to expect them to completely comprehend and understand a context and situations which they have not experienced would at best be an idealistic dream.

The practical choice was to grow up with them, thinking like them without letting go of our learning experiences and more importantly, the value systems instilled in us. They are still growing up and are at the age when they have all the answers to life’s questions. By the time they begin to face the challenges of parenting and being able to relate to my experience, the world will be changing again.
However, one thing would be constant. Growing up with your children is an enlightening experience that makes a person whole.