Brute husbands

Dear PK,

Do you have a solution (to change in a systematic manner) for tackling with and surviving husbands who bully and shout at wives at the drop of a hat? They just look for mistakes only all the time and never miss an opportunity to shout and insult. This way the dignity of the wife is not respected. I know this man comes from a house where his mother, even at the age of 70, gets shouted at all the time by his father. He has been raised this way. They think this is manly behavior. At time he is raises his hand and causes physical hurt in various ways. One is left with no choice than to complain with police but most of the times I’ve noticed in most cases even the police don’t take it seriously as these men are connected.

Is there a possibility of bringing some sense to these relationships? Even if the wife doesn’t react these guys become irritated and go on using abusive word and provoke intentionally. I agree with you as I too know for sure that (your words)”I have often felt that many people are actually looking for a good scrape. This is how they revalidate themselves.”

But I am talking about cases where even without the fault of others they misuse their positions.

Looking for guidance.

PK”s reply:

From a level-headed general view, your question would be replied like this:

What you describe is a fait accompli. The cast has solidified and change is not possible. Some cosmetic changes maybe possible if the husbands cooperate but the basic nature of the men is strongly embedded with certain habits and will not change. Any efforts at change will only produce very opposite reactions and contradictory results.

The husbands have evolved into what they are and who will show them the error of their ways and how?

They have willing women who stick to them nevertheless. Why should they change? They are quite happy as they are. Humans normally do not think or want to bring in change in themselves after their personalities have formed. After the age of 21 or so it is more a question of proving themselves and they will put all their effort in it – never in change.

Societal pressure can bring in some restraint but most societies are too lazy to enforce anything. Nobody wants get embroiled in other’s problems. Specially if it concerns the authority of men then of course all men collectively will support their dominance.

Human nature is such that it will justify itself and try to prove that the fault is always of the other guy – in this case of the women. Who will contradict them or get into an argument to prove them wrong or whatever?

The police always treat it as an internal family matter. For frankly, they cannot really do anything except lock up the men on charges of battery and assault – if the women bring in this charge and there is physical, medically proven hurt to show which will stand up in court. Battering women is manly sport and the mindset of the police in India is no different.

What are the women doing? Do they realize they are tacitly approving the behavior of their men? Sure, the question does come up if they have any options in life open to them to take any kind of action; we have to understand their fear of losing the roof over their heads and finding themselves abandoned in the wild of the streets.

I have always felt that most people are where they are because they have sort of agreed to their state. Otherwise they would do something about it. Unless they crave for a change and make the first moves, nothing can be done.

Now what can we do for these women? Do the women have any ideas?

The only medicine these men will understand is force bruter than their own. Is this an advisable route? Where and how to generate this force? Fear is the key here. If we can instill fear in them of severe repercussions, we might open a window into their personas that would force them to act otherwise.

Oh How I wish I could take a few bouncers with me and give them a good dunking and put some fear of god into them.

Then please also see the other side of the picture. Women are no angels. Relationships normally begin on a rosy note. They deteriorate later because women do not realize that the man who is initially totally under her spell will one day wake up. By then women tend to pick up habits or patterns of behavior of their own within the relationship. They start expecting too much. Later when the attraction of their charms has waned, their habits like sulking, pouting and not paying attention to anything but their own wants & wishes can be severe irritants.

When arguments result, which is unavoidable, both take rigid stands as if their positions are inviolate. Resentments start to get entrenched in their respective memories. From this point on, the relationship becomes antagonistic. Feelings of revenge pervades. The self-destruct button has been pressed.

Counseling should come in at this stage. Fear of God and kindness of dispositions & other considerations can do a lot to save the situation.  But where these are missing, selfishness and arrogance will have their full play and only the worst can be imagined.