Guest Tickler | Jun 15, 2009

(Note: This post is in 3 parts. Click here for parts 1 and 3. The author has chosen not to reveal her identity.)

No one enjoys suffering though great men tell us suffering has a purpose: “If you have not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and there comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary. Suffering comes to make one realize something. True suffering does bring change and when that is done it leaves quietly the way it came.”

12th September (Night)

I was told to collect my results after two days since it was a special test which takes time. The next 48 hours were the worst in my life. I had never felt so scared. The feeling of despair was so new and unexpected – so raw and so real. I could feel it physically gripping at my throat. How does one deal with such a situation? I tried my best to contain it but I couldn’t keep it to myself. After a while I accepted defeat and gave in – I just surrendered to fear and went down – so far down that even today I am still clawing my way up.

I asked my husband to take the day off and the 24 hours passed. I did not sleep. I could not sleep. Every half an hour I would wake up in a cold sweat. By mid afternoon I was like a restless, caged animal. In the end I felt I could not contain my feelings anymore. I didn’t want to scare my family and didn’t want my husband and kids to see me that way. I called my best friend and she came to meet me. I put my head on her shoulders and cried my eyes out for hours. I told her how scared I felt and clung to her like a baby. When I had no more tears to shed I called the pathology lab, only to be told that they were not going to give me the results on the phone. I however insisted and eventually they gave in and told me my results were negative.

I started crying all over again – this time with relief. I thought I would feel better now. But I did not because the feeling of dread refused to leave me. I was told to wait until December and go for another scan. The long waiting game began.

September – Early October, 2008

Days went by and I sank lower and lower. I imagined all kinds of terrible things happening to me. My brain told me there was nothing to worry about; a lot of people had cysts and complex ones at that. No big deal. But my heart kept doubting my brain. It kept on planting awful thoughts in my mind and for the first time in my life I didn’t fight back. I just let the sadness wash over me.

I had stopped eating. For days I would roll myself into a ball and cry for hours. Managing my emotions outside was getting impossible. I had no idea when I would burst into tears. Someone had to simply ask about how I was feeling and while replying I would burst into tears. To avoid further embarrassment, I stopped going out and no longer met with people. I would look at my kids and feel pity for myself because I couldn’t enjoy them. I felt cursed, as if someone had cast a spell on me or given me the evil eye.

Mid October, 2008

By mid September, I decided to meet my doctor and tell her how I was “decaying.” Yes, that is what I felt happening to me. Slowly I was losing myself and I did not know the woman I had become. I felt hollow. A woman who would once wake up in the morning with the thought, “And what shall I conquer today?” Now I couldn’t even visit the doctor by myself. I had to call my friend and we made the trip together.

It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Exactly one year back, the same doctor had looked me in the eye and had told my sister that I was a very brave woman. Now here I was standing right in front of her eyes in a mess – nothing but a broken woman. But to her credit, she did not show disappointment in me. Instead she listened patiently and told me I was having a breakdown which is very normal in a woman after delivery – I just happened to have my meltdown a little later than usual. She told me I would be fine and that she had full faith in me. Faith? How could anybody have faith in me when I had none in myself?

I went home and decided that I had to break free of this circle of doom. I called up my sister to let her know that I was coming over to spend Diwali with her. I also told her what was happening to me. Then I called up my parents and it was their turn to be supportive. Then I sat down and had a full meal. It had been ages since I had eaten anything substantial. I was ready to take charge of my life again.

Late October, 2008

My sister came to receive me and we went home with a wan smile from me and an open hug from her. Her family including her mother-in-law, treated me like a flower and even took my kids under her wings. My sister and I spent time doing things we hadn’t done in a while. We would go for outings and my sister and daughter would sway to “Dostana” songs. I recall looking at them while praying, “Dear God, can you make only that much happy so I can enjoy a good song and not feel sad for a while? Can you please give me a small gap in between, when I am not trembling with fear?”

We went for a scan which my sister insisted on, so I could put my at rest. The scan showed that the cyst was no longer there! Yes it had disappeared. It went the way it came—quietly! We went out to celebrate and all evening, I pretended to be happy. I couldn’t understand why I still felt so sad after such good news. I had no answers. From there I went over to my parents’ place and again, everyone rallied around me and treated me like a princess. Later on when my husband picked us up, I decided that I had to crawl out of that dark place where I had fallen. I was missing the real me like hell.

November, 2008

I gave a name to my dark moods. I called them “waves” and actually began to talk about them, first with my family, then with my friends and finally with my online community group. It was only then I realized that the old me wasn’t dead. She was still breathing somewhere inside of me and I had to dig her out the darkness. One night when I couldn’t sleep, I took an oath to seduce my soul back into my body.