Do Nice Mothers-In-Law Really Exist?
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Guest Tickler | Dec 20, 2009
I wish I could give my resignation to my mother-in-law and tell her,”That’s enough of you. I am going to search for a nicer mother-in-law.”
But do nice mothers-in-law really exist?
I married out of India and we spent a small fortune on the lavish wedding. However in spite of pomp and ceremony of my nuptials, I was never allowed to forget that my husband married me only because he felt obligated to honour his mother’s choice of a bride for him.
From the beginning, the only space I had to call my own was the chair allocated to me during family gatherings. When I left that chair, I had no personal space to unfold and be myself. Sometimes, I told my husband, “I need you to stand up for me.”
But my words would fall on deaf ears as he seemed to be more committed to his mother and father than he was to me. Talking with my mother-in-law meant facing a very stern lady who disliked me and my husband never understood my predicament.
I recall going on family outings which meant me sitting quietly in the back seat while my husband carried on animated conversations with mother and father. I was usually left out of the interaction. If I tried to speak with my husband, his mother would give me a hostile look as if to imply, “Who invited you into this conversation with my son ? Did I say you could speak?”
This was not a marriage that was made in heaven.
Some time has passed since the wedding. Today I am a wife and mother – but still alone. My husband belongs to only one woman and she is his mother.
The smallest innocent action becomes a seed for conflict the mind of my mother-in-law. If I am taking my son to park then according to her perceptions, I am trying to keep him away from them. Why can’t she realize that she has never allowed her own son to come close to me (his wife) except during 12 midnight to 8 am when he sleeps.
I have built up so much resentment against her that now I want to resign as her daughter-in-law.
Over time, I was lucky to have made friends who are married. Whenever I see them with their husbands and the warm, mutually respectful relationships they share with each other, I would find myself feeling cheated by life.
Until now now ‘Karwa Chauth’ for me was a festival of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law but in chatting with my friends I have come to realize that it is really a celebration of love between husband and wife. That was quite a revelation to me.
I have tried my best as a wife to gently remind my husband that he is now married with responsibilities and our marriage is not limited to sleeping together in a bedroom. But somehow, he is not sensitive to my overtures.
I have fulfilled my duties as a daughter-in law, sister-in-law, wife and mother but what do I get from my mother-in-law? Ostracism and the unwritten status of being an outsider. I feel like someone who is sentenced to stand outside in the cold while looking through the window and seeing the love they share within their family circle. But none of it is meant for me.
From day one of the marriage to today, my mother-in-law feels it is her duty to comment on everything I do as a wife and mother.
Why does she feel the need to dominate our relationship? Why does she hold on emotionally to her son instead of allowing him to evolve into a mature and self-realized man and husband? Why should I be expected to prove myself to her? Surely my obvious respect and devotion to the family should be the measure of my worth as a daughter-in-law and wife? Why must so much of my time and energy be focused on my mother-in-law and not my son and husband?
Finally I gave up trying to fit into the family circle.
Now I never ask anything from my husband as he belongs only to his mother. I have made friends and they are everything to me. They talk to me, listen to me, love me and care for me. I have started to realize that happiness is really to be found inside of our hearts and not in a relationship.
Like me, there are many other wives who have learned to find the road to happiness within ourselves.
The sad reality is that not all marriages are beautiful.
(Author has requested for her identity not to be revealed)
Filed Under: Miscellaneous
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Dear Author
You seem to be caught up in much the same scenario as every other indian female or rather ill-fated females i have known. Not to worry because I myself am one of them. Ican understand your frustrations and what has led you to seek solace elsewhere.
It is time for you to start loving yourself and be more confident about yourself because tomorrow once your child grows up, he will be looking up to you for your confidence. So keep it going, have a few very good friends to help you grow emotionally and intellectually, and dont forget, everyday is not a Monday.
The Sun will rise and shine on you too, brilliantly.
until then
Take care
Dear author,
why are you still married to him and his whole family?because it does seem that you got married to the whole lot.
why not seek your freedom for you and your child?
If she keeps on reminding you that her son married you because of his duty towards his mom(which between us i find retrogade),do remind her also,that she is the one who came for you and not vice versa.When she says that you are taking your child away from them whenever you take him to the park,answer yes,that she taught it to you herself by doing the same thing with your husband.
You don’t have anything to lose,do you?so answer up and be brave and face them all.Show them all what you are also capable of.
regards
take care
Dear author,
i forgot to answer your question,sorry for that.Yes,nice in-laws do exist,mine are just great people and above all Indians too.By the way,am not Indian,in spite of my name.I was born and brought up outside of India.I’m a perfect foreigner and my in-laws accepted me without any problem and we love each other too much really.We don’t live together and yearly they wait for my visit to India.Yes nice in-laws exist and I am blessed to have them.
peace and love
Too much of deference has become you bane. Just behave with people on equal terms. Do not give them the pedestal of Gods and you please do not play the role of follower/servant.
Stop this game of role playing. It will be tough for sure in the beginning. But do every one a favour and stop these games all of us end up playing in life. Don’t let your life become a script which is playing for centuries in our society. Become free spirited and express your feelings and thoughts freely. And just watch…other people will give you what you demand. If you do not ask, you will not get. Don’t ask by words….use your actions and decisions. Make your life complete and independent. Others (even the MIL) will join if they want to and most likely they will. People are attracted to a free spirit! Just show and prove to MIL that you are an equal to her. After all God made all of us equal Human Beings!
Dear Author,
I really feel for you, but in answer to your question, yes they do.
My previous mother in law was awful, much like the lady you described above. She knew everything (even though I had lived in 8 countries, spoke 4 languages and had traveled the world) although she rarely left her home town and the light shone out of her son’s eyes (even when he left me and the children, it was still my fault!).
However, I have now the second time around got a lovely mother in law with whom I go out to lunch and have over for coffee when she is around.
As my second husband and I have 9 boys betwen us, I hope I don’t act anything like the first one when the boys finally decide to get serious!
Good luck
If you are in a nuclear family – living with your mil or mil living with you then you are bound to have conflicts. Even the nicest mother in laws can turn nasty. If it is possible for you to move then thats the best for you and your peace of mind. I am living with one
.. I now feel its something I should have thought about when my husband told me before marriage itself that we would be living with her. Since I had accepted that before our marriage I have no other option but to live with it 
I understand what you have gone through. There is no such thing as nice mother in law. If anybody is saying that their mother in laws are nice , its because they are not living with one…I dont think anyone would be happy living with one..
First you need to realise whether your husband belongs to you or not. From your statement, it is apprehended that your husband fully devoted to his mother and he hardly got any feelings towards you. Tey have taken you for granted!! The situation seems quite insulting to you. In this case, you need to be independent … you should go away from this family. If your son is below 5, you can get his custody easily. I would suggest you to be separated from this family and teach a lesson to those uncivilized people.
Well first of all, feel very sorry for your misfortune.
It seems from your story that you are an Introvert and have not opened up with your Husband, or your Husband is a stubborn man & has no feelings for you and living with him is as good as living with a mannequin.
However I feel that a women has a role to play in understanding her Husband and vice versa. Had you been able to get close to your Husband emotionally, this whole situation could have been avoided.
Since there is no way to change the past, the best thing that can be done right now is to have a small talk with your Husband (if He has changed over a period of time) and explain him how things have been going around and how you feel about it. If not then it`s best to move out of his life.
Dear Author,
I really feel for you, it is an unfortunate and sad situation to be in.
To answer your question, and to dispute what another person wrote, yes, there are nice mother-in-laws. The status of a person (MIL) does not dictate their behavior, it is the person themselves. So unfortunately you have a MIL who is not a nice person. (and to the other poster that disagreed, living with anyone’s mother, their own or a MIL, can be a hard situation – it doesn’t matter that she is your MIL).
The most important thing to focus on is your son. You don’t want to repeat history with him. He is seeing how your MIL and husband treat you. It would be a tragedy for him to learn that relationships are supposed to be that way. Continue to show him all of your love, but do not make the same mistake your MIL made. Make sure he has a life with other people (and you do the same for yourself). Just don’t let history repeat itself with your son! And when he is older, be mindful t to NOT be her. Encourage your son to make his own choices. Help to understand that all people deserve respect and love.
Good luck,
srb
Dear Author and Commentators as well..
Let me give an alternate perspective as the things not necessarily are as they usually seems to be…
We can draw a parallel in the relationship of Fresher and seniors in College and the Ragging phenomena between them. All the fresher say that what’s happening is wrong and should never be allowed however the moment they themselves become Senior than they themselves Rag their juniors… What a Pity!!! And an example of Dual Behavior….
None of us observed that even ‘Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi’ and wahi bahu kabhi saas banegi… Its more about (unfulfilled) expectations and the feeling of insecurity than a matter of disregard of the new member of the Family!
Probably your MIL also would have asked the same question when she was DIL of her MIL… Do Nice Mothers-In-Law Really Exist? God forbid and no offence but… possibly your DIL might also ask the same Q… Do Nice Mothers-In-Law Really Exist?
The problem is that we all know what are our ‘rights’ are and expects a lot from the others around us but unfortunately forgets about our ‘duties’ and obligations towards the same people.
My philosophy is – don’t expect (much) for you will always end up being disappointed for the unfulfilled expectations… Rather give… Give as much as you can because no one can deprive you of pleasure for being a giver or a forgiver…
And an unsolicited piece of advice – Please engage yourselves with other beautiful things in your life… Your husband… Your Son… Your Hobbies spend good time with better 1/2 thinking beyond your MIL… Mind you… You are married to your husband and not to your MIL…
“Life is Beautiful” Enjoy every moment!!! God Bless!!
Dear Guest Tickler,
My heart goes out to you. What a horrible situation to find yourself in. I’m glad to read your post though – I think I see in it a desire and even a faint resolution to do something to change your situation.
I think Beenu’s advice is very good: learn to love yourself. Don’t live your life trying to meet other people’s expectations or trying to get other people to love you or approve of you. Do what you think is right and what you want to do.
And, yes, love yourself. You are one of God’s creatures and as such you are as precious as anyone else. If you free your spirit, you will slowly come to you know yourself – who you are as yourself, not in your roles as wife, mother, daughter-in-law and, I’m guessing, daughter. I’m guessing you have spent much of your life trying to live by other people’s standards – why did you marry your husband in the first place if there was little or no love between you? I’m guessing at someone’s else’s behest — to please your parents perhaps.
I think it’s time for you to find yourself and come into your own. This will be a difficult path at times and will take time. Do it with love – for yourself and, as for as possible, for others.
You obviously have a great deal of patience and inner strength. Put it to use now to follow your own path, your own dharma if you like – whatever that is meant to be.
Love and best wishes to you on your continuing journey through life.
Dear Author,
I am quite sorry for the way you have had experienced your married life.
After reading about your experience, my faith in one of my belief’s stengthens again, fact that only women are responsible for women’s mysery.
I appreciate that you have handled the situation with maturity and wisdom. However, I would like to say here that instead of spending more money on the occasion, had you tried spending some time understanding the boy and his thinking before tying the knot, it would definitely given you an opportunity to take a wiser decision.
Unfortunately, we people think that spending money in an occasion like marriage makes it stronger in some sense. However, I think that money spent in any occasion is just like those flowers used to decorate the place and people. The aroma dies out within days and you need to have them again to maintain that fragrance.
Had you spent more time in understanding the guy you were about to marry, atleast you would not have been cursing him today. Just remember that it is his nature, and he is not fundamentally against you. And at the same time, your MIL behaves like that because she has a certain type of nature.
You need to understand that when you decide to marry, you should be knowing the types of people whom you would be interacting on daily basis.
However, all said and done, I wish you all the best to cruise your life ahead without thinking about these bad experiences.
Somehow, I feel that you have lots of other opportunities to explore in life rather than spending time in one such failure. Everyone fails, only courageous start again.
Cheers,
Sachin
Dear Author,
I am sure if your mother in law was given a chance to write and express her feelings as well towards you, she would also prefer to resign.
As a Son, and as a Husband, I have lived through the ups and downs on the MIL-DIL combat,for almost three decades.
I neither take my mothers side nor do I take my wifes’.
I always take the right side.
The two of them form an integral part of the son’s/husbands life as such and I go ahead and affirm and say that behind every mans success is indeed his wife…his she balances all fronts.
Its like grooming up and growing up under a tough corporate boss.
Instead of pin pricking and shrapneling at one another as is the norm the two have to learn to balance at every step.
This seldom happens…and the man is forced to make choices.
Either the mom or the wife.
That leads to a ruinous situation in any case.
Are you allowed to make a choice at work?
There has to be a bit of leaning in from the DIL to win the confidence of the MIL.
She has to learn to cook, manage the home, and gradually steer the life of the man in her life her way…as he is ultimately going to depend on her!
Invariably there is a hurry/worry factor built in in the DIL’s case.
This hurry worry spoils the curry!
MIL’s in general are stern and cause heart burns too as they do not bend.
They need to learn to bend to mend too…to mold the bold DIL.
A tall task…but possible by the son playing a pivotal non biased role in such cases where MIL’s are stern and un yieliding.
The trick is to always take sides.
The right side.
Without bias.
It will leave you burning and hungry too at times my dear son/husband but here again you need to be independent too.
You should be able to stand up and fend for yourself/kids in such emergencies.
Just to keep that cart on track…as the combat if handled deftly doesn’t last long…if you have done your exigency planing very well.
All said and done in extreme cases, its always better to make choices…yes the son/husband better make the choice rather than make life hell for the whole lot.
Axee
Your article is heartbreaking. And more so because as a divorced woman, I know exactly what you mean. I hope u will not stop insisting that your husband include you in his life and that family conversations dont systematically exclude you. Insisting is the wrong word, “demanding” is more like it. Because if this continues, one day u will get fed up of your marriage. I had grown so tired of marriage that my husband practically got down on his knees to beg me to come back but I didnt want to go back to him – dont let your marriage come to that point! My ex-husband still calls me everyday, (a year after our divorce) to beg me to come back but my answer is still the same -I just cannot picture my life with this man. He had ten years to treat me with empathy and kindness and he failed. Why would I go back to a man who had no empathy for me for ten whole years?
“have tried my best as a wife to gently remind my husband that he is now married with responsibilities and our marriage is not limited to sleeping together in a bedroom”
Forget the “gently” part and also the “remind”. Rights are not alms that are given to us by others. Rights need to be demanded, not begged for. You have a right to a emotionally, mentally and sexually satisfying marriage. You have a right to be a part of his life and to feel like a companion, not just a service provider. Tell him “you have to treat your life partner, the person who is going to be there through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, with respect. I am not a service provider, I am your companion and its about time, I feel like one. Someday when you are old and pissing your pants, I am the person who is going to clean it up -treat me in a way that when that time comes in your life, you are not ashamed of the way you treated the person who is caring for you.”
Message from the author
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Dear Shalu
i am thankful to you for publishing the article, all the comments are showing me ray of hope. thanks again
XXXXXX
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Dear Author!
As we all say the real happiness is in not expecting. I know it is easier said than done. Yet, difficult situation teach you to become tougher provided one has the will to see oneself through. When a person is going through a painful experience, he/she thinks his/her pain is the highest. It is when we compare ourselves with others we do sometimes realise that we might be better placed than others. In your case think of those people who are physically and mentally tortured by the in-laws. This will not take your pain away but might give you a feeling that you have better reason to be self assured and optimistic.
I say it from definite knowledge that there is ‘no limit’ of depth a relationship can sink to. You cannot even imagine what shame a partner can bring to the other’s inner self. It’s then that one starts looking inside and feel low as he he/she deserved it. Yet, I would say, do no wrong and then look eye to eye at yourself in mirror and say that I have born it without harming anyone not even me. When you see your own purity you start laughing at those who try to bother you.
Don’t look at others as to how they view you, Important is how you look at your won self. You have been a good ‘daughter’ and a good ‘friend’, I am sure. You have been more that a highly adjusting ‘wife’ and ‘daughter-in-law’. Yet, the best you can now be is a great ‘mother’. That completes you as a great woman. Having done your worldly roles so beautifully despite odds against you, should make you happy and confident.
There is one thing that we ignore, His presence and blame Him for all our troubles. I am not sure if your are spiritually inclined or not, yet I know it gives lots of peace and happiness to meditate and remember Him for all the good He does to us. Meditate on Him and imagine (see) yourself in the situation you want yourself to be in while meditating but with no ill-will towards others. If you are clear hearted He will listen to your prayers and one day He will see your worth.
You never know what good you can harvest from this tough situation!!!!!
With lots of Good wishes
The Seeker
P.S: Forgive me if I said something not to your liking.
Hi,
Nice mother in laws do exist. I am living with one.
A daughter in law cannot be a daughter in any family, b’coz she is expected to take care of the family and is not brought in to be pampared as the daughter is.
Know and understand yourself and stand confident. You Treat them like your parents not only in showing respect but also slowly take the right to inform them that you will not stand certain attitudes and activities. You show your best and hope them to come around.
Whether it is your own parents or your in laws living with them could have certain plus as well as negatives. But life is full of that in anything and everything you do. without darkness there is no light and vice versa.
I had a love marriage and it was accepted that we would be with my mother in law though my mom is staying alone, as both of us have only our mothers & i am an only child.
From the very begining i had accepted the fact and our relationship has become better and better over the time. we still have our own irritations on each other over certain things, but have accepted each other as the family and to live together.
Is it always all smooth with u’r parents???
I am in Chennai, India and I would say I find quite a lot of good mother in laws around me.
GoodLuck.
Dear author,
I find your story very close to my heart. For 12 years I have had a husband who puts his parents above our realtionship and needless to mention, does not care how this affects us or our kids. Not just that, my MIL on a regualr basis coaches my husband against me and my parents. Just to add some more perspective, both me and my parent , have broken our backs (financially and physically) in pleasing my husband and in-laws. So in some ways my story is perhaps worse than yours. I have found a way to be happy given all my circumstances. I have realized , I cannot change anyone but myself. I have a good job, great health and 2 beautiful kids who adore me and look up to me. I am a spiritual person and thank god everyday for what he has given me – which is a whole lot considering all that goes around in the world. My advice to you is to carve out your own life around your son and your needs. You cannot completely dissociate yourself from your husband/MIL but dont make them the center of your life either. Do anything, social work, volunteer work, any hobbies, new job but have a life beyond MIL/Husband. Trust me you will feel lot more enriched and empowered. Give your husband and MIL more rope – let them talk together. There is a saying: Give people enough rope and they will hang themselves. One day your husband will realise how much he has missed out in life by not participating in your life. Mine does now after 12 years and he regrets. But dont wait for him to turn around. You move on. Universe has a way of balancing things and it will happen to you too!!! Good Luck.
yes good mother inlaws exist. my mother inlaw showed me the path for a good mother inlaw. only 10 years i could get her love and affection. now she is no more. i myself become motherinlaw of two. i trat them as my daughters. i have a daughter also. luckily she also has a very very good motherinlaw. she shares each thing which happens in her life with her not with me. i feel proud of it. my sons got married against my will they r not from our community. still i accepted them and i stay with them and try to give my love and affection
Dear Author,
Sorry to hear your predicament. I think it will be good to let your mother in law know that you acknowledge her importance, appreciate her help as a mother in law and also accept her as your mother in law. If she could feel all these your life will be transformed. She wont be so hard on you anymore….likewise to your husband they need to know that they are accepted, appreciated and acknowledge and your relationship will bring out the best in both of you. Goodluck and be blessed in the great and awesome Yr 2010.
cheers…