Experience versus Exuberance

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence. Anonymous

When my father thought that I should go to a boarding school (9th birthday), I had already made the best of friends at the neighborhood school. When Papa gifted me with a bicycle (14th birthday), I already had a learning license for the Hero Honda. When he suggested that, I should stop experimenting with my hairstyle every fortnight (18th birthday), I had already started shaving. When he wanted me to be a chartered accountant (21st birthday), I had already submitted the form for my advertising course. When he asked me to settle down (24th birthday), I was already bored with my advertising job. When Papa wanted me to get married (26th birthday), I had already had my second break-up.

There is one very popular phrase to describe this dynamic — Generation Gap. It has existed since the times of Lord Krishna and his father Nanda; Shehanshah Akbar and his son-turned-Romeo, Shehajada Saleem and even Gurubhai (Dhirubhai) and his schoolteacher father.

What creates this situation of conflict between a father and his son? This invariably happens because both parties are stuck in time. Sometimes in the present, at other times in their past and at some other times in a hazy future as envisioned by both. I mean, when the father is looking at his son’s future, the son is talking of his father’s past. Moreover, when the son talks about his present, the father tells him of his own past. Then, when they both talk about their present, the son is not impressed by his father’s past and the father is worried about his son’s future. Strangely, there is no talk of either the son’s past or the father’s future.

We need to understand the high price we end up paying for these generation gap conflicts. The first loss is that of mutual respect. When the silence between two individuals is uncomfortable, the relationship is in danger. The two pairs of eyes cannot meet even for the time it takes to say, “Papa” or “Beta”. Many dreams are withheld or allowed to wither away just because their experiences and expectations are different. Many emotions are repressed and concealed because of swollen egos (father) or irrational exuberance (son). What remains are many unexpressed feelings and unending arguments.

Let’s take a mango tree to represent the father. Firstly, it bears a mango (his son) only when it has grown strong and high enough to be able to nourish and sustain the mango. The mango tree makes itself dense and strong to protect the mango from the weather, animals and even greedy humans. It sheds all its leaves during autumn to retain the fruit. The tree initially gives the mango its own green colour. The first flavor of the young mango is also like the leaves. So, for an onlooker the young mango is not visibly distinct from the mango tree. Thus, the identity of the mango is the mango tree.

With time and the process of natural growth, the mango matures and it acquires its own sweet taste and a distinct vibrant yellow, saffron or red colour. Now the identity of the mango tree is the mango. The world knows the tree by the variety (identity) of the mango. Either the mango is plucked or the tree lets it fall because it has grown in weight and individuality. When they part ways there are no more expectations and promises. Just a simple and strong bonding of the soul called the “seed” (the mother). And of course of the name “mango”. The mango (son) gives back all he has received from his tree (father) by becoming the tree for another yet another mango.

And so the cycle of life continues continues along for another generation. Sons are born, fathers brim with pride and expectations abound. But with the years they grow apart and there are bruising conflicts along the way. But usually the relationship survives in one form or another. It’s been happening for thousands of years. Nothing much changes except the faces and places…..