Fear of rejection

The way I would approach this subject is by analyzing the two words first. Why are we afraid at all? It is the opposite of courage. So you have had the gumption to attempt something; this is very fine; rather you should be proud to have stepped outside the comfort zone. And if you are afraid, then it means that a wish is attached to the action. Is that true?

Life comes in two hues; black and white and hundreds of shades in between and then there all the colours and millions of combinations and shades of these colours. Did you really expect that life would be one roller-coaster ride where all you have to do is wish and your fairy Godmother would make it come true? This is awfully unrealistic and terribly childish.

Let us examine this subject from a realistic point of view with some not so hypothetical instances to illustrate the point. A highly learned teacher with a lot of experience goes to a school for a job for which he is more than qualified. But the job goes to a younger lady. The poor man can take this as a rejection and also as a confirmation of the moving ahead of the wheel of life. In the game of life and the truth behind this incident, there is the fact that the school is a business. The administration wants younger people to work hard and day long. Then as children are involved, there is this notion that ladies are kinder and softer in their approaches; which may or not be true but it is something that we have to live with. Then as the teacher needed is for classes well below the qualifications offered by the learned teacher, he is not really required. So the great expert is not given the job. Does this qualify as rejection? No, not at all. It is just the quirks of life at play. There are more than a couple of factors at play in life. The more qualified teacher should not take this personally and not bring his vanity into play. Rather, he should take this as an eye-opener and look for greener pastures and I would add improve himself for a greater destiny.

Lately a little downturn in the economy has prompted many companies to downsize with many people suddenly finding themselves back to square one. They can’t take this personally. It is definitely depressing and the future with all the commitments at stake is in jeopardy; at least as was visualized. But then life does not move in a straight line. The fear if any is surely from the fact that certain financial commitments had been put into place and now the lack of an income would destabilize the entire thing. In all simplicity I presume to ask, did you plan for not having a job? Let us say you bought a car on loan which you had planned to pay for as you went along and now this retrenchment falls like a block of bricks on your head. The fear is that either you will have to return the car and lose all the money already paid for or pay for it from your reserves if any. The running of the car is also an expensive proposition. Also here is the image problem. What will everyone think? Now let us speak in realistic terms: Your plans for your life were unrealistic. You were spending money which you had not. You were aiming for things that were not yours as yet by right. And the fear of being ridiculed is purely vanity at work.

There is additionally a positive side to fear. If we are not comfortable with things as they are, we strive to change. We make efforts to upgrade our abilities and think creatively and explore many other possibilities which we would have not done otherwise. This results in an educative process which benefits us greatly and will stand by us more than anything else in the world in times of crisis.

In relationships “fear” takes a slightly different colouring although the shapes being coloured are the same. Our vanity asks us to modulate our behaviour and we then present ourselves to the liking of others and their appreciation. In our zeal to impress we present a very false persona. We are being untrue; to ourselves and to the other. Sooner or later, the other person will see through the machinations. And if the other is a wizened, experienced person, he will see it immediately. This is manipulation which can never have a good ending; we bluff, huff and puff and blow our own house down. If we get hurt in the process, we alone are totally to blame. In relationships, if we were truer, honest and candid, we would not pose nor compromise our feelings at every step. We would have the courage to say NO when we want and only YES when we really mean it. We would also pay attention and listen to the other, especially when the other is trying to say NO.

In the final analysis there is nothing to fear. You are you and you should take yourself positively but with a pinch of salt. The anxieties and pain come from the ‘wants’ we impose on ourselves with finicky attitudes so all we need to do is de-complicate our lives.

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PK is a teacher of languages/communication, counsellor and a businessman active in 6 countries. He combines his knowledge of life with his education in management, applied psychology and occult psychology from his time in The Ashram in Pondicherry and assists aspiring managers to reach their next level. Please visit http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home