HIDDEN MEANINGS

Hidden Messages

“Sorry for the misunderstandings.  Yes, I try to be a good listener and helpful friend, but because of some things that happened lately in my private life I am also temporarily a bit sensitive.  I was afraid that there is a hidden message in what you said because actually I have a bad conscious because I thought I neglected you”

This is a word for word message from somebody I wrote a general letter asking how things are and giving her the gossip from my side. The aim being to renew contact; the response took me aback completely. “HIDDEN MESSAGES”? What in the name of heaven for?

But this was also a pointer to how we complicate our lives by assigning meanings to things by letting our imaginations roam and fly of the handle. How we interpret situations with angles that are not there. What could be the reason behind it?

One reason comes explicitly to mind to me because I have used it as a gambit in the game of life. Others there may be but would not be so clearly obvious. It is that we want  the other guy to say something specific and as we can’t put words in his mouth we  gaud him to come out with it by purposely taking the route of misunderstanding. We use the part accusation and part hurt-my-feelings style. The ploy is to show that we have misunderstood by accusing him indirectly or (why not) directly. In his defense and to keep the goodwill alive the other person then is sort of obligated to say something nice and reconciliatory which is more in line to what we want to hear. We may then continue the playacting by making a show of sulk so that the poor other guy, to keep the relationship alive elaborates further by saying even nicer things in his defense.

For this purpose the sentence “So you mean to say……..” to start an accusation works very well. After this sentence is in the air, the respondent has no other recourse but to go on the defensive and explain his point in very “EGO calming” tones. A lot of people have perfected this as an art. In many I have noticed this has become part of their persona. Don’t’ fall for it. You should respond by smiling coolly and changing the subject. Or if something has to be said, say something like” Oh come on! Don’t be an ass!!” and laugh it off. If you are not good at acting etc then stick to the straight and narrow and give him the explanation but remember you’ve been had.

This is something like using reverse psychology. For example I give here an imaginative example: HE- Will you come to the tailor with me; I have to try my new suit? YOU – I wish I could but I hover already promised my wife to go out with her to the market. HE – So you don’t care what happens too my expensive investment in this suit?

Anyway, generally speaking I have seen the turmoil and tragedies we humans create by being ambiguous; sometimes just for the cleverness of it. If we could only be clear and precise at all times. If we make it a habit which others will soon recognize, we would soon avoid so many unpleasant situations.

True, we may lose many acquaintances who waste our time and opportunities that would have perhaps brought us loss or fatigue but we may also be more contended and I think it is all worth it. True friends never go away; rather they relish the candid truth.

Clarity of expression is avoided only where heightened egos are at play. And when these are around, peace and happiness or great achievements never take place.  Although I have to admit in the need for tact in life threatening situations it is better to lie and play the game then get into an ugly situation for nothing.

But whatever one may say I would rather do without all this complicated stress with a dagger pointing at me, calculating at all times what is to be said and what left unsaid and how to say it. I say just let it rip but do not let any hint of malice in your words or attitude; unfortunately this is the stuff of saints and most humans would only scoff at me.