Marriage Is A Rude Awakening
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Smita Bhatacharjee | Jul 28, 2009
One fine Sunday morning, I was sipping my tea as usual and enjoying the newspaper when my dear friend happened to drop by for a visit. We talked about college days, those good old days when people looked at our figures and said, “WOW!” Today today when they look at us they say, “HOW?” We laughed and cried at the same time as we talked about husbands and wives.
Marriage is a beautiful bond, but it can have some not-so-beautiful consequences for some hapless middle class women. People will tell you this is your duty toward your in-laws and that is your duty toward your husband – in Hindi so called “patni dharm.” But who will dare talk openly and honestly about “pati dharm”?
I saw two little drops of tears on my friend’s face and tried to change the topic, but she wanted to talk. Two years have passed since she was first married and she has known her husband, Abhi, for three 3 years. Someone has rightly said, it feels blissfully good when falling in love, but staying in love is really the big challenge. Abhi was such a darling at first, taking special care with even the small matters. He looked after her when she was not well, often kissing her on forehead, just to show how much he cared. She could tell him anything, even about those little, silly matters that most people dismissed as trivial and he would listen for hours.
Then something happened to change her whole life. It was called marriage!
Now the two hour conversation is reduced to a two minute talk, which is usually about something related to work. She would wake up early in the morning to cook breakfast and lunch, stock up on drinking water, clean the house and do puja before rushing to the office. After a hard day at the office, she might come back home to see her husband entertaining friends and relatives in her absence. She would find the hall littered with beer bottles, wafer packets on the floor, sofa covers strewn about and a big bottle of whisky in front of the Durga murti. She even recalled seeing one of his friends sleeping, half naked on the sofa.
In the kitchen, the platform would be decorated with chicken bones, rice, and cold drinks or whatever was on their menu that day. Her bedroom is longer her private domain because, on more than one occasion, she has seen two half naked males sleeping off their drinks, while sprawled out on her clean linen. I guess that after two years of marriage she has earned herself the right to see her husband’s friends half-naked as well.
She laments that even after two years of marriage her husband is still enjoying his bachelor’s life. And, to compound matters, he is aided and abetted by none other than his big brother. What does the marriage manual have to say on this one?
Many times the ghreheni (home maker) is expected to be very shant, and samajahdar. But how long can she remain quiet about this violation of her privacy and her husband’s immaturity?
If she complains this he needs to respect the home and act more responsibly, he is quick to inform her that she is not one of the blood relations, and that blood is always thicker than water….blah, blah, blah. She realizes that she will always remain an outsider to the family and does not live up to their expectations. She is disillusioned as a wife and marriage has been a very rude awakening for my friend.
Filed Under: Miscellaneous
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I am sorry for your friend, Smita. Truly.
Its not like that just in your culture, if that’s any relief, it happens in others as well.
The best thing your friend can do is start living her life. Her life is not her home, which doesn’t sound like much of a “home” anyways, unfurtunately. Her life is what she makes it, and she only has one life to live.
Try to encourage her to do more for herself. She’ll be happier.
And when her husband sees her happier, maybe he’ll ask himself why she’s so happy ,and think to ask her. Could lead to a conversation that lasts longer than 2 mins.
Mar
Its really surprising to know that such characters still exist and turn there own homes in bar.
Some conflicts do arise coz of the today’s work pressure.
We believe Home is a temple and one must learn how to behave in temple.
Partners must learn compromise which is the key to all successful married life and is applicable to both the partners.
My believe: LOVE URSELF….GET ENGAGED IN SIMPLICITY…MARRY THE GENUINENESS…..DIVORCE THE EGO……..THE MANTRA FOR HAPPY LIFE…..
How embarrassing it must have been for your friend. I guess she should kick his sorry a^^ out of the house.
Most of us get into relations for the wrong reasons. We make decisions based in the lacked nourishment that we received during our childhood. We get into relations to accommodate our immediate needs (love, security, affection, etc) and that we call “LOVE”, it’s wonderful at the beginning, but like any drug after the effect wears off we feel the pain and again we are unhappy so we turn to other things to not feel the pain. We turn to work, alcohol, drugs, other relations, etc,
Your friend like many of us made the mistake of getting into marriage without being well herself, and by your story her husband comes from a dysfunctional family and he is not well. She has two options: one terminated the relation (thinks are not going to get better) and go into therapy for co dependence, so next time she can choose a better partner. Second, both herself and her husband must go into therapy and try to save their marriage.
Hey I object to your calling MARRIAGE A RUDE AWAKENING ……… Your friend I am sure must hv had such glimpses even before marriage and even now , she needs to justify her conduct , by moving away from such a marriage , if she cant reason out with her husband about whtever is happening…
Marriage is a beautiful relationship , it is how U make it happen , decides it !!
Hey I object to your calling MARRIAGE A RUDE AWAKENING ……… Your friend I am sure must hv had such glimpses even before marriage and even now , she needs to justify her conduct , by moving away from such a marriage , if she cant reason out with her husband about whtever is happening…
Marriage is a beautiful relationship , it is how U make it happen , decides it !!
IT is better to be alone then feel frustrated everyday.. She will be able to open more avenues for her to follow !!
The Article highlights the core issue of difference in the behavioral pattern of the Husband… it clearly appears that the man was willing to listen to his wife and was caring enough to look after her in her illness and/or hour of need… and as the article suggests he just gave up on her there seems to be disconnect here has the author even bothered to verify and validate the reason for the husband to have this attitude?
There are some suspicions was it that the husband was taken for granted? Was it that his acts were looked down upon and was mocked upon? Was it that his care and concern was considered his weakness or was it that he was kept at distance considering him to be docile?
Somewhere it is unbelievable that a husband would have his half naked friends sleeping on his bed… also until what hours was the wife working that she on returning from work would find her husband’s friends consuming liquor and eating up their dinner and then sleeping half naked on their bed and/or sofa?
Not that the husband should be supported for such atrocities but the readers need to know both sides of the stories, before becoming judgmental.
Im sorry for your fiend Smita…if only she’s my daughter, i will talk to her husband..i know the feelings.My husband did that to me 20 yrs ago..but we talked and gave him ultimatum..Now we are happy couple of 29 yrs.Sometimes love is taken for granted..husband thinks if you marry him of what they are, bear with them. while wife changes her ways when they got married. but it should not be like that. it should be a give and take relationship. Your friend needs a friend to share her problems. she’s lucky she has you..God bless
You ask: “But how long can she [the wife] remain quiet about this violation of her privacy and her husband’s immaturity?”
I ask: why should she? and why does she?
Why does an educated, working woman live with such an unreasonable husband and allow him to abuse her in these ways? It is obviously not good for her and, in terms of his human and spiritual development, it’s not good for either. So then why do it?
Its often said that..if you depend upon others to make you happy,you will be endlessly disappointed.
I think your friend probably needs to introspect… look inwards and ask herself some tough questions including… if its really worth putting her happinness in the hands of a husband who does not seem to care.
Its such a pity that a lot of people live in an unreal world during their courtship…pretending to be someone they really are not..and when people get down to the real business of living the daily life with all its attendant pulls and pressures the skeletons truly come tumbling out,and the chickens come home to roost.Thats when people show themselves for who and what they truly are, as has happened in the case of your friend’s husband.
I think,its also a function of what the stakes are.Most of think twicw before we mess with someone who is known to be a no nonsense person as opposed to someone who we think we can get away with( both in professional and personal life)
I feel your friend’s husband is taking her for granted and probably feels ‘now that she’s married to me..she’s got nowhere to go”…therefore the complete disregard and insensitivity on his part.That,unfortunately is a common enough affliction of a lot of males in this part of the world.
My experience is ..people will push you around only as far as we are willing to be pushed
Probably its time for your friend to take charge of the situation..sit her husband down and do some tough talking…for him either reform his ways or be prepared party with his friends and clean up the mess all by himself.
I am presuming your friend is financially independent,as she is working.
Sometimes, the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for a while.
Maybe her husband needs to find that out the hard way.At times thats the only approcah that works.
Thanks for all those comments friends. And thanks to the Critics as well. I will surely try to include both the sides of the coin in my next articles.
Also as most of you have said, that they need to sit and talk. I have communicated your message to her; and things are getting better between them, when her husband saw what people have to say about it.
Sometimes you need more than one person to help you realize whats right and whats wrong? Thanks for taking an initiative to help my friend.
Best Regards,
Smita Bhattacharjee