Relationship Hiccups

Victor and Janet go past each other inside their office. Both of them were previously teammates. Victor just moves past Janet without wishing her.  They again meet at the cafeteria. Again Victor seems preoccupied and does not acknowledge Janet.

Janet assumes that Victor is angry with her or trying to avoid her. Janet feels neglected. So, in order to avoid feeling hurt or rejected, Janet decides to keep off from Victor. As a consequence of her decision, she does not invite Victor to her daughter’s birthday party. Victor now wonders why Janet, his favourite teammate, behaved aloof and invited everyone except him. So, Victor stops mailing her interesting forwards. And Janet is now convinced that Victor has her in his bad books.
 
Keith Clark, in his book, “The Skilled Participant – A Way to Effective Collaboration”, explains interpersonal hiccups in two stages, namely “first instance” and “second instance.”

Keith explains his interpersonal analysis with the help of a “Sometimes Useful Tool” as depicted in the diagram.

In the first instance something is perceived and interpreted on the basis of an assumption, which generates a feeling. Motivated by the feeling, one chooses a behaviour. Because of the mistake of assuming someone intended the perceiver to feel a certain way, the interaction moves to “second instance.”

In the “first instance” neither party meant what the other assumed or intended. In the “second instance” both parties wanted to do, what the other had assumed, he or she had intended in the first instance. A combination of incorrect assumptions and negative feelings leads to a wrong attitude.

A skilled participant, or an effective communicator, will identify his or her stage using the “Sometimes Useful Tool.” And a skilled participant solves problems at the “first instance” itself and does not move to “second instance”. So, the moment he/she reaches the feeling stage; they will ask questions, instead of moving to the decision phase.

So, in the example quoted, if Janet had been a skilled participant in the relationship, she would have asked Victor a few questions, the first time she felt hurt.

Janet: Victor, you seem to be avoiding me and chatting too much with your new team mate Kate. Old is gold. So, don’t you ignore me?

Victor: Hey Janet, Sorry. The whole of last week I was thinking about my son’s school admission and my mom’s illness. You are always my best friend. But why did madam not send invites for your family party?

Janet: Sorry Victor. I misunderstood you and was a bit angry with you. So I wanted to snub you. Please do come for my daughter’s birthday bash.

How pleasant the outcome is when we clarify our assumptions. So, be a skilled participant and use the tools of self-awareness, self-disclosure, and hearing or listening.

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Anitha is an engineer with a masters in human resource management. She has conducted and been a part of syncronous and asynchronous training in technical and soft skills subjects. Her interests include reading, cooking, singing, and listening to music.