Regards

Thanks for a good article .I like the clarity and honesty you have portrayed in the relationship.

It takes courage to say that things are not good .There are indeed rough patches .I liked your statement…..”to teach somebody, sometimes silence works better and sometimes actions and, trust me, they are louder than our screams and shouts”.

Actions at times can make the difference just to tell the partner do not take mefor granted as I have friends and parents who can take care of me (or i cna take care of myself alone)..I am attached emotionally to the family …Do not use me ….
are worth trying …It goes forall to spend some moments alone everyday.

Take care
Ashu

Cheers

Ironically someone has called this analysis as overthinking and proceeded to demonstrate a bit of, what can one say… overthinking!

The thrust of the article seems to have struck some as pessimistic but I felt it was optimistic in suggesting a way to approach the marriage relationship. Common anecdotal evidence does seem to indicate that most people do not seem to be thoroughly satisfied with the match of reality and their (perhaps vague) ideal (likely formed long ago).

Analogies, by definition, are limited but one thing to remember is that basic personality traits are the least likely to change compared to things like views and minor behavioural quirks.

Thanks for a thought-provoking article, Rachana.

Rgds

I have hardly any disagreements with your healthy thoughts towards marriage.

Just a few conceptual remarks:

You say, ‘Marriage was a duty to oneself, to satisfy our physical, psychological and social needs. Also, our need to share sorrows and happiness of each other.’

Duty and Need are two different rather many times opposite concepts. If it is need, then it may become useless if it does not satisfy need or we find something else which better satisfy. If it is duty, you have less excuses to break. That is another thing that all duties fulfill us in some or other way.

Kids, of course, are bond between couple. I am only referring to Indian ancient culture where it is also posed as duty.

I have no disagreement with you that husband wife are complimentary to each other. Rest as I mentioned in my response to Bob and Rajiv.

Regards

The tips are very useful, if anybody follows these then he/she will taste the sweetness of being “CLOSE”.

I do not think that I tried to dissuade somebody from love and marriage but tried to present what appears to us initially in marriage though it all settles down with time and efforts when we gradually understand and learn. ‘Long list of disagreements’, ‘too intimate to absorb’ etc are all initial turbulence which we face.

People change all the time, some Siddharth even turn into Buddha over night but how many people change them because other person wants them to change?

The joy of marriage which fades away in a year is the initial attraction and then couple reevaluates, comprehends and recharges their relation which remains the rest of life. I share your feelings that the intimate connection with a loving other is one of the greatest gifts we have.

Thanks for your comments.

Rajeev : Katharine Hepburn Said but I did not give any statement; I raised a question.

Nishant : All the best !

Khan Jahangir : 1-In old days marriage was duty towards society and giving birth to kids was repaying your debt to parents. Now we want to know what this relation mean to an individual. This is new approach to understand old institution.
2- About success rate we can not claim anything. There were always successful and unsuccessful marriages. Dragging any relation for society sake can not be taken as success. Hindu ideal Ram has left Sita. Now actually we are more conscious about failures and our interest shows our positive attitude towards it.

There were a few gems amongst the ten rules but for the remaining part I would go with Sam’s inferences and analysis.

Nice inputs, Sam.

Overall, it would appear that Rachana has overthought the issues. Folks can either think about life or live life. Most of us do some reasonable combination of both. Perhaps her PhD in philosophy has trained her to overthink, or perhaps that is her natural inclination and she gravitated to philosophy because of her inclination. In any event, I have grave concerns about her posits here, and hope that they do not dissuade anyone from love and marriage. While her ten rules seem to be reasonable, I have difficulties with the lead to them, which may be accurate for her but not true for the universe. Her comments and my responses follow.
1. “Marriage is such a relation that even if you get the best of the universe, you have a long list of disagreements and complaints against your life partner.”
If indeed one has a “long list of disagreements and complaints” with a spouse, perhaps they have not been handled appropriately. When things linger, they can become toxic. And, since everyone is imperfect and marries an imperfect other, folks must expect that there will be disagreements. The trick is determining the level of “disagreements and complaints” with which you (and your partner) are willing to live. Do they outweigh the benefits and love? If so, it is not the institution of marriage, but the partner chosen. There are myriad wonderful people in the world with whom I could not live or love.

2. “The problem does not reside in the person, it is in the relation itself; it is too intimate to absorb.”
Intimacy can be threatening. It means that you have to open to your partner, and she to you. With the right partner, it can be an exhilarating and humbling experience. Who among us does not wish to be understood, but how often are we truly understood? In a good (not perfect) marriage, this happens all the time. And the loss of this relationship can lead to death for the remaining partner soon after the death of a spouse. If marriage were “too intimate to absorb,” why would this loss have such consequences for a survivor?

3. “Moreover, for a human being it is difficult to transform after passing a certain age because a substantial part of our personality, outer and inner, has already solidified. Of course we can alter our behavior pattern, but do you buy a toaster and expect it to make juice for you?”
This, quite frankly, is balderdash. People change all the time. While change as we get older may be in smaller increments, and certain characteristics are more ingrained than others, change we do. You don’t believe all that you believed as a child. No matter what your age, you indeed will modify thoughts, feelings, and perceptions in many areas as you gain more life experience. If you don’t, you are ignoring the world around you.
The toaster – orange juice analogy is quite ridiculous. If I want orange juice, I certainly will have made a stupid mistake buying a toaster. That is like a man being a heterosexual and marrying another man. Marriage can be wonderful, but folks have to choose carefully at the beginning.

Love is not perfect, and in mine there have been disagreements and arguments and complaints, from both sides,. The love, however, remains stronger than the forces that try to tear us apart. Rachana says, “And the joy of marriage fades away within a year or a few month or sometimes just a few days.” This certainly is not universal; the joy of our marriage continues after 37 years. But I am sure that this attitude contributes to a high divorce rate. It has not been always easy for us, and there have been times my wife or I have been quite disappointed with the other. We have to work at marriage. But the intimacy shared, and the times talking, or just lying beside each other listening to our breathing, far outweighs any bumps in the road.
I wish the reader all happiness and success with your life partners. The intimate connection with a loving other is one of the greatest gifts we have.

Marriage is said to be an Agreement between the two parties(Husband & Wife). Strange, when so little was known about the Human relations, Psychology of Human mind, Education, Hygiene and other studies; but still a large percentage of Marriage was success in olden days.

Is it because of these learning we are expecting too much from each other? Great expectations, if not fulfilled lead to frustration and break-ups.

I would rather prefer an article from some senior guy from older era in guiding us to the peaceful existence of the institution called marriage.